Well it's 4:20pm and it doesn't look like Alfonso has been traded. It appears that the only deal that could have gotten it done was Garza from the Twins. Needless to say....I'm stoked. I think Bowden does have a link to this site.....maybe not.

Either way, I'm going back to RFK for their first home game back from a roadtrip August 8th, and I invite anyone in the area (or not) to join me in the Upperdeck. I'll have more on this later, but I want everyone to see how much better (and fun!) the rest of the summer will be with Soriano in DC.....whether we got someone for him or not.

P.S.- I think we crashed Rotoworld as well, which is impressive.

More from the hype machine that is the trade deadline:

• Julio Lugo to the Dodgers for IF-OF Joel Guzman and minor league OF Sergio Pedroza
  
• Greg Maddux is a Dodger pending league approval for Cesar Izturis.
  
• Twins are now offering Garza according to Baseball Prospectus for Soriano.
• Scott Linebrink is headed to the Mets for newly acquired Oliver Perez.
  
• Craig Wilson goes to the Yanks for Shawn Chacon. (Interesting)
  
• Mets might part with Lastings Milledge for Schmidt or Oswalt
• Tejada isn't going anywhere because Fuher Angelos turned down every reasonable offer.
• Atlanta tried to trade Andruw Jones to Chicago for Brandon McCarthy, which was immediately turned down. The Red Sox are in the mix as well, but are trying not to part with Lester.
  

So here is what's going on right now......as much as I can figure out because of my new vow not to go to ESPN.com (which is going pretty well thanks to Rotoworld.com)

1) The only deals left on the table for Soriano seem to be one National League team and one American League team. My guesses are the Dodgers and the Twins, and unless the Twins decide to give up Matt Garza it's not happening.

2) The Mets are close to landing Oliver Perez from the Pirates, which would be a huge trade for them. They wouldn't have a large contract from a Livan Hernandez, and Perez is a stud when he gets his act together.
***UPDATE***- SI.com is reporting that the deal is Xavier Nady straight up for O. Perez (Hilton). If this is the case Dave Littlefield should be fired and banned from ever entered the city of Pittsburgh again.

3) Todd Walker is going to the Padres, and Boston is talking to Julio Lugo about hammering down an extension before a trade.

***UPDATE***
4) ESPN had Kip Wells almost packed and in Boston (this according to Rotoworld...I'm resisting the urge to stop by the World Wide Leader), but he ends up in Texas. Boston misses out again.

And Lastly, this from Rotoworld.com on Brad Lidge that made me giggle......

ESPN's Buster Olney reports that a team calling the Astros this morning regarding Brad Lidge was told the closer wouldn't be traded.



Thanks Krukster.....you've always got the breaking news.

I hope that the band Europe is stuck in your head for the rest of the day now.....

Today is the day when I officially become a Washington Nationals hater. I actually started out as one since I am an Orioles fan, but the team had grown on me. A lot of readers seemed to disagree with me on the "New" Stadium and even the Soriano trade, but I really think you are kidding yourself if you see this impending trade as a good thing.

I think the owners are a great thing for the team don't get me wrong, but there are some outlining issues that I don't think they are addressing:

1) Stan Kasten did a wonderful job with the Braves, but he was also the president for two or Atlanta teams that did not fair so well (Hawks/Predators). He became president of the Braves in 1986, so he had quite a bit of time to develop the minor league system.

Mr. Kasten- Your new stadium opens in a little over two years and a lineup of Ryan's (Zimmerman and Church) isn't going to bring the fans.

2) Look, I know that DC is excited about having a team in the area (I know I am), but you have to look at the teams that DC will be competing against in the coming years. The NL East is just going to get better now that the Mets are spending money out the ying-yang, and getting rid of your only attraction (Soriano) isn't going to help you build the fanbase you will need IF the stadium opens on time in 2008. Below is a list of players that would have a larger or equal salary to the reported $12 million deal Soriano would be looking for:

Top MLB player salaries Player Position Team Salary:

1. Alex Rodriguez 3B Yankees $25,680,727

2. Derek Jeter SS Yankees $20,600,000

3. Jason Giambi 1B Yankees $20,428,571

4. Barry Bonds OF Giants $20,000,000

5. Jeff Bagwell 1B Astros $19,369,019

6. Mike Mussina P Yankees $19,000,000

7. Manny Ramirez OF Red Sox $18,279,238

8. Todd Helton 1B Rockies $16,600,000

9. Andy Pettitte P Astros $16,428,416

10. Magglio Ordonez OF Tigers $16,200,000

11. Randy Johnson P Yankees $15,661,427

12. Chan Ho Park P Padres $15,333,679

13. Pedro Martinez P Mets $14,875,000

14. Lance Berkman OF Astros $14,500,000

15. Mike Hampton P Braves $14,475,185

16. Jim Thome 1B White Sox $14,166,667

17. Bartolo Colon P Angels $14,000,000

(tie) Albert Pujols 1B Cardinals $14,000,000

19. Chipper Jones 3B Braves $13,666,667

20. Bobby Abreu OF Phillies $13,600,000

21. Carlos Beltran OF Mets $13,571,429

22. Carlos Delgado OF Mets $13,500,000

(tie) Vladimir Guerrero OF Angels $13,500,000

(tie) Andruw Jones OF Braves $13,500,000

25. Johnny Damon OF Yankees $13,000,000

(tie) Hideki Matsui OF Yankees $13,000,000

(tie) Curt Schilling P Red Sox $13,000,000

(tie) Richie Sexson 1B Mariners $13,000,000

29. Adrian Beltre 3B Mariners $12,900,000

30. Roy Halladay P Blue Jays $12,750,000

31. Ichiro Suzuki OF Mariners $12,530,000

32. Scott Rolen 3B Cardinals $12,456,336

33. Paul Konerko 1B White Sox $12,000,000

(tie) Jorge Posada C Yankees $12,000,000

(tie) Javier Vazquez P White Sox $12,000,000

(tie) Kerry Wood P Cubs $12,000,000

That's 35 Players! One of them being Chan Ho Park (which is hilarious). It just makes zero sense to trade one of the top players in the league right now. I think a deal could be made with Soriano in the offseason, and if it isn't you get two Draft Picks for him leaving through Free Agency. While that wouldn't equal the talent you could probably get from teams at the deadline......you'll at least be able to tell your fanbase that you care. Washington DC is a HUGE market...if Colorado can pay Todd Helton $16.6 million you can find a spot for Soriano. I promise you can.

So I'm getting stoked about football, and I know you are too. Check out this video of the 05-06' Collection of Jacked Up(s), and try not to get even more amped (just don't go all Gus Ferrotte on me). The Deftones and System of a Down provide your music, but be careful at work there's cursing in the songs as this was done by someone on YouTube. Enjoy and have a great weekend.

So I know I promised all 7 of you a review of one of the American Sportscasters Online Interviews, but I might not get to it. And this is only because I'm still reeling from my first viewing of the "New and Improved" Baseball Tonight.

Baseball is already a sport of cliches (as most sports are), but to hear them over and over and over and over and over and over again describing a hitter is just mind numbingly maddening. Now I'm pretty sure they are just trying out lineups (for some reason John Kruk was absent last night- maybe he was fired too), but a lineup of Ravech, Moral Orel, and Tino is NOT going to work.

I could only force my eyes and ears open long enough to watch through two segments, but this is what I got:

Segment 2: This actually came later in my viewing, but Segment 1 was so ridiculous I had to build the suspense. Coming back from commercial Ravey gets on the horn with the most random collection of people ever to talk about the trade deadline.

Side Note: I know I have readers in Chicago and Minnesota, so if you know these guys please tell me who the hell they are.

Our guests were Bruce Levine (who I can't find in Wikipedia, presumably from Chicago), La Velle Neal (who I can't find in Wikipedia, presumably from Minnesota), and some guy named Dan Graziano (whose nickname is probably Rocky, but I couldn't find in Wikipedia). I'm pretty sure they are all writers though. (My thinking at the time......Greaaaaat this should go Flawlessly.)

Well they are talking about the AL Central and who's going to trade for whom, but I couldn't even make out what they were talking about. The cell connections were so bad that all I could understand was (Cusssshshshshss) Liriano (cuuussusssshshhh) Soriano (cuuususuhhhhh) trade (cusushshsshshh) Playoffs.

And after all of that Karl Ravech had the nerve to ask them who they thought was getting the Wild Card!!! As if they were going to say any team but the one they write for.

Open Letter to ESPN: Can we please stop this joke of a process whereas the host of a show knows nothing but East Coast sports and finds it necessary to call up a jackass beat reporter on a bat phone? I completely blame Colin Cowherd, and he will get his due on this site, but you didn't have to copy the process......LET ALONE HIRE THE ASS!!! Thank you for your time, Awful Announcing P.S.- I miss you Harold.......XOXOXOXO

Segment 1: Below are two quotes from our fabulous new color guys Orel and Tino.

Describing Jesse Barfield...."This kid has Quick Hips.......Quiiiiiick Hips. Most of that is genetics"- Orel

Now I know who Jesse's dad is, but do you really think the kid wants his hips compared to those of his dad? Let alone have Orel drag out the second Quiiiiiiick when describing his body. And Orel....umm....muscle reaction is not passed down through genes.

Describing Chase Utley...."Quick hands inside.....Goes short to long with good extension.....quick inside"- Tino

Okay...(looking past how overtly gay these comments are) the funny thing about this was watching/listening to Tino struggle trying to tell this in time with Utley's swing on screen. He struggled so badly that he didn't even say the kid's name....he just went right into the quote above and then was done talking. Ravech had to swoop in behind and cleanup because there was just dead air.

So Gentlemen and Lady (although I think there are three of you that read) I introduce you to your new and improved Baseball Tonight.....

So I've been "giving it" to ESPN pretty hard lately, and with good reason. Everyone I've talked to over the past two weeks feels the exact same. The question though is- What can you do about it? And the answer I've always come to is an unfortunate.....Nothing. Until now.

They have every major sport on their network, and there's not a chance I'm going to stop watching College Football at noon (36 Days!). So what else is there to do???

Within the past three months I think I've come up with an alternative option: BOYCOTT ESPN.COM!!!

ESPN.com is such a dreadful site. If Trey Wingo tries to sell me one more phone I'm driving to Bristol and fire-bombing the "Campus". The Pop-up ads have gone crazy (how many times can you play Orbitz mini-golf?). You have to be an insider and pay for their blogs!!!

I've only been in the Sports Blogging World for about 90 days now, but in that time I've come to a realization.....The sites of people that I link to (and go to everyday) write better than anything ESPN has put out in years. The only good writers on ESPN.com are buried in the Insider section, which you have to pay $4.95 a month to read. You also get ESPN the Magazine (which is now offering a free pullover with purchase!!!), which is the most god Awful publication on the planet. It's like SI had a premature baby.....it developed A.D.D.....and then developed a Meth habit.

With the rant said...here's an interesting look at Blogs vs. ESPN. Taking into account when articles are posted to the blogs against when they are posted on ESPN/Other Large Media Sources:

Harold Reynolds Firing:
Deadspin- Tuesday, July 25th. Commenters started posting at 8:21 AM
ESPN- Obviously, no comment
Fox Sports- Wednesday, July 26. A full day later

Harold Reynolds Sexual Harassment:
The Big Lead- Tuesday, July 25th at 9:45pm
ESPN- Still no comment
Fox Sports- Wednesday, July 26th at 1:23pm

Big Ben's Motorcycle Crash:
Deadspin- Monday, June 12th at 12:15pm
ESPN- Monday, June 12th at 12:37pm
Fox Sports- Tuesday, June 13th

Anyways, you get the idea. So I'm with The Sports Frog and Thunder Matt.....I'm officially divorced from ESPN(.com). It's going to be a hard habit to kick because my fingers know how to type ESPN faster than QWERTY, but I'm going to give it a shot. (Just as soon as this column is over)

As posted in a previous article I stated that I was going to begin to rate Bill Simmons articles in an attempt to get him to revert back to the Sports Guy we knew and loved. A frivolous attempt I know, but I don't really have anything better to do.

To be completely honest with you I was actually waiting for an awful one, but he's been mediocre the last three. Plus I'm impatient, so our first article is entitled "The New Fantasy Rules". To be seen in the July 31st issue of the FABULOUS ESPN the Mag. Our judging criteria is based on the following: 1) Timing and Relevance 2) The number of Boston Sports References 3) Knowledge and conveyance of said knowledge 4) Overall writing and impact (i'm not sure what impact means, but I'll know if when I see it).

Here we go......

The article (as you've probably guessed by the title) is Simmons' take on how Fantasy Football should be governed by a certain set of rules.....his rules. First paragraph sums it up in a nutshell: You're not allowed to complain about four things in life: nudity, free food, free drinks and fantasy football. So why would I want to tinker with the latter, a multibillion-dollar business that brings us so much joy?

So there you have it! You can't complain about fantasy football, so why do we need 6 printed pages on it? Well because the Sports Guy has nothing better to do with his time.

SPORTS GUYS PROBLEM #1: Every league has different rules.

Imagine that you and your friends belonged to various bowling leagues, only some used extra-big balls, some used 12 pins instead of 10, some counted strikes as 15 points and so on. How could anyone ever brag about a 300? You'd spend more time explaining your rules than anything else. Well, isn't that what happens with fantasy football? Some leagues start eight guys, others start 12. Some leagues start multiple QBs, others start one. Some leagues count stats for individual defensive players, some don't count defense at all. When a buddy tells you a war story from his league, he always has to spend 45 seconds explaining his rules. Complete waste of time.

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Now I've never personally found Fantasy Football to be rocket science. You know the rules ahead of time and they don't ever change during a season. But I guess if I was in eight different leagues with my buddies House and J-Bug then it would get a little confusing. Also, how does that analogy even work? One is an actual physical sport the other is a FANTASY game based on an actual sport.....moving on.

SOLUTION: The Sports Guy's rules. (A little bit egotistical huh?)

B) Shutouts count for 10 points, holding an opponent to seven or less counts for five and holding the other team to under 200 total yards counts as another five. Defenses don't matter enough in fantasy. In what other scenario is a tight end more important than all 11 guys on the opposing defense? I mean, except for Ben Coates in Madden '97?

(Here is our first Boston mention, and Ben Coates was not that good in '97. Nowhere near as dominate as Ron Mexico in Madden '04)
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SPORTS GUY PROBLEM #2: Nobody can pull off a schmuck-free league.

Look, the duties of an owner are simple: Don't bring your girlfriend/wife to the draft; don't draft someone that was already drafted; don't draft an injured guy (leading your buddies to be thrust into an awkward position of either screwing you or giving you a do-over); try to field a competitive team; create an offensive team name; start a lineup of healthy players every week; return e-mails or phone calls within 24 hours unless you're trapped under something; and, when all else fails, at least come up with an occasional funny e-mail or message-board post.

(This point I agree 100% with. Last year we had a player drop out, so I got a Team Owner's brother to fill in. Needless to say he's never played Fantasy before, and proceed to draft Chris Cooley in the fifth round, Jason Campbell!?!?! in the sixth round, and never once changed his lineup. Funny thing is that he went 5-8)

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SPORTS GUY PROBLEM #3: It's impossible to make it through a season without a one-sided trade causing complete chaos.

We all know that the wrong trade can divide a fantasy league faster than the Spelling family fell apart. In my West Coast league a few years ago, the first-place team had Brett Favre and Peyton Manning. It needed a receiver and traded Manning straight up for Amani Toomer. You read the correctly. Nearly 700 angry e-mails and five near-fistfights later, the trade was somehow approved. If that wasn't bad enough, the first-place team won the title -- Toomer filled a gaping hole at receiver -- and Manning's new team finished second. From then on, we called it Toomergate. And, honestly, I never want to go through anything like that again. It was more traumatic than the last 20 minutes of "American History X."

(I was with him up until the solution............)

SOLUTION: Form a trading committee.

Enlist three unbiased outsiders who aren't in the league but are friends with a few of the owners. It's not like you'd have trouble convincing them. They'll be delighted to kill a few minutes at work arbitrating. And you think I'm kidding. They'll be like, "Wait, you want me to be on your league's new trading committee? Sure, I'm available!"

(Okay this is an AWFUL idea. First off if you had a friend that knew enough about football to analyze trades wouldn't he/she already be in your league. Bribes would run rampant....it would be like Fantasy Football turned into Deadwood....you C'Sucker.)

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SPORTS GUY PROBLEM #4: The free agent system is a complete failure.

You know how someone does a brutal job picking his team and gets rewarded with first choice on the free agent wire every week? "Congratulations, you stunk out the joint; now you get to add a receiver who just exploded for 190 yards and a TD last week!" How does that make sense? You're almost better off tanking Week 1. Anyway, those days are over.

SOLUTION: A weekly auction.

Give everyone a budget of $100 to spend on free agents. Every Thursday, if you want someone, you bid for him; highest bid wins. Not only is it more fun than humans should be allowed, but there's some genuine strategy here. Let's say nobody picks Bethel Johnson, who busts out with a 160-yard game in Week 1 after Joe Horn breaks his collarbone patting himself on the back. And let's say you need a wide receiver because Chad Johnson blows out his knee dry-humping the upright. What do you bid for Bethel: $15? $20? $25? Isn't this more exciting than everyone putting in for the same three standouts, followed by the three most incompetent teams landing those guys?

(How does that make sense?!?!?! Because that's the way every damn free agency system in the world works! For example, say the Diamondbacks waived Russ "Too much Junk in the Trunk" Ortiz after the trade deadline. Would it be fair to your Red Sox if they automatically let him go to the Yankees who would almost automatically buy everyone available? Just retarded.)

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SPORTS GUY PROBLEM #5: Unless you make the playoffs, your fantasy football season is done by Week 14.

Everyone willingly accepts a shorter season. Why? Because that's the way we've always done it. Well, isn't it possible we messed up from Day 1, like when HBO greenlit "Arli$$" and kept it on for seven years?

(I completely disagree with this. The highlight of every season is when the lower level teams make the loser's bracket and start picking of teams and the trash talking escalates to ungodly proportions. Not a chance I take that out of my league)

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SOLUTION: Make the regular season last 17 weeks.

Why? BECAUSE A 21-WEEK FANTASY SEASON IS MORE FUN THAN A 16-WEEK FANTASY SEASON, THAT'S WHY!

Here's how this works:

1. The top four teams advance to the playoffs.

2. Playoff teams can protect just six players from their roster, which makes the original September draft more interesting. Now someone like Tom Brady is worth more than someone like Drew Brees, because of his playoff value.

(This is a fine idea....in fact a good one. But here's the problem: HE'S ALREADY TOLD US THIS IDEA 10,000 BLEEPING TIMES!!!! I've been hearing about this for 3 years now, and not once have I seen someone try it. Give it up already.....also we had our second Boston mention)

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Remember, the whole concept of fantasy is based on procrastination: guys wasting incredible amounts of time preparing to pick the team, then picking it, managing it, arguing about it, following it, rooting for it and alternatively bragging/complaining about it. That's why we're involved. We should keep tinkering with the product until we get it right.

If that makes me a world-class complainer, so be it.

(No your personality and ego make you a World-Class Complainer, so be it.)

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GRADING:

1) Timing and Relevance: I'm with Deadspin on this one. Our league's draft isn't until the middle of April. I don't entirely blame this on Bilbo since he's pretty much at the mercy of the World Wide Leader, but July is a little early.

2) The number of Boston Sports References: There were only two so I'm giving him a pass on this category......this time.

3) Knowledge and conveyance of said knowledge: Bill has been playing and commenting on Fantasy for quite sometime now. So much so that his ideas have become ridiculous. Not every idea was bad, but the bad ones most certainly outweighed the good ones....and to a pretty large degree. It is also my view that Fantasy Football doesn't need fixing as it's already time consuming enough.

4) Overall writing and impact: The overall impact of this is pretty straightforward. You knew it was coming, but not this early. It was funny in some spots, but pretty pointless in others. At this point he could cut and paste old fantasy articles and come up with this in 10 minutes (not his fault since he's been writing forever).

CONCLUSION: I was going to give this article three Boston Championship Rings (out of 5), but then I saw the ESPN the Magazine that it was featured in. Simmons now has his articles in the main part of the Magazine!!! Not that he should be penalized for something like that, but ESPN the Magazine is the worst publication ever put together.....so I'm penalizing him for that.

View the Digital Version of ESPN the Mag here. Page 64/65 of 152. You of course have to have Insider like everything else. Make sure you note the gay cartoon Moses on the one page, and flip past the article to see Chris "I cheat on my wife with Redskinettes, AND I'm from Utah" Cooley blowing a beautiful bubble.

So the Big Lead did the leg work this evening and dug up most of the truth. I will still say that I liked Harold Reynolds on Baseball Tonight, but Sexual Harrasment is not cool. I did jump to a pretty big conclusion and I take it back. While we will probably never know the actual truth I think that we can say that Reynolds is a giant ass. I'm still distraught that Drug Use doesn't get you fired from the World Wide Leader though.

Good Work The Big Lead.

Also good article on the history of harassment at the World Wide Leader from Bad Idea Blue Jeans.

So the New York Post and Deadspin have both noted that Harold Reynolds was fired after 11 years of working at ESPN. Now normally I'm a negative, nit-picky, and condescending person when talking about Sportscasters....but not today (well at least until later today).

I truly liked Harold Reynolds. I liked him when he played, and I liked him on Baseball Tonight. He was really the only one, besides Karl Ravech, that ever made any sense. John Kruk is so non-sensical that you just shake your head at him (much like McCarver), Steve Phillips was fired from the NY Mets for a reason, and Jeff Brantley is so unlikeable that I actually involuntarily punch the TV when he's on the screen.

The main thing that made Harold Reynolds great wasn't arguing whether A-Rod should be traded on Baseball Tonight, but doing the jobs no one else would do. Harold would routinely show up when others couldn't make it. He filled in for Woody Paige on Cold Pizza last week, and most importantly he always did the College World Series and the Little League World Series. And he didn't just show up and coast through the broadcast. You could tell he really loved the game and the kids involved. He knew everything about the players.....even down to their favorite band (from the Black Eyed Peas to The Red Hot Chilli Peppers)

Unless this firing is based on something substantial, like Drug Use or Sexual Harassment, ESPN further has solidified it's spot as the LAST place I will go to for news. If ESPN wants to fire people who make quotes like the one below I hope they eventually fail just like their Mobile service.

“It's a great time. They're in their own dorms with no parents, only coaches and their buddies. And Little League treats them like kings – a video game center, ping pong, a pool, ice cream . . . you name it, anything a kid could want. And on top of that, they get to play baseball.”- Harold Reynolds at the Little League World Series

So I was on hand this past weekend for one of the Nats games against the Cubs that was billed as the "Grand ReOpening of RFK".....the name of the event being "Paint the Town Red". According to the Washington Post the following was to take place over the 3-Game long series.

• "Red Carpet" Treatment
• A different giveaway each day of a Hat, T-shirt, and Towel
• Players greeting and signing Autographs
• The New Owners greeting the fans
• Introduction of New Foods and New Foodcourt
• Cutting of Prices
• According to Opposum-Palooza, Giant headed President races
• More kids activities and games
• Music before, during, and after the game

So let's analyze what we (the fans) really got, and since I'm a skeptic....this isn't going to be pretty.

First of all I went on Sunday at 1pm, and apparently the "hoopla" was worn about by now. I made it to the parking lot, and noticed the most important change that they hadn't decided to make.....parking was still $12.

RFK OUTSIDE: On the walk up to the stadium I noticed the new "Fan Fest" section which is in the middle of a blocked off road between the Main Parking Lot and the Metro Exit. It looked relatively fun (as does anything with a moon bounce and a ball pit), but the placement is just awkward. I'd be surprised if anyone even walks over to it. I then crossed the street and noticed that the "Red Carpet" wasn't smelling too hot. I don't know if it was the material, but the whole front of the stadium smelled like dung. There was also an Olde Tyme three person band playing by the ticket booth, so there was the first music sighting of the day. I walked up to the ticket window and proceeded to ask for the $7 Upper Deck Deadspin Special (if anyone ever comes to a game with me I will show you the fine art of stealing lower level seats, which I've been honing for the last 20 years of my life). I was immediately told that weekend tickets are $12 (which I already knew) and proceeded to note that ticket prices were exactly the same in every section......

Note: No players or owners outside (The pic is from Friday)

RFK INSIDE: Walking in I received my "Paint the Town Red" Towel. Now I know it's my fault for not going to the first two games, but I was really banking on Sunday being the T-shirt day. The towel was tiny and the logo was already coming off from the heat, but hell....it's free. I grabbed a Guinness (which I hadn't noticed they offered before at RFK) and proceeded to climb up to the 500 level (you can't just go seat jacking in the first...you have to give it four innings at least).

On the way up the ramp I noticed the new "Food Court" between levels. It's a quaint little place with about 5-7 different booths where people can pick different foods. The only problem.....IT'S IN BETWEEN TWO SECTIONS ON ONE SIDE OF THE STADIUM!!! How does that even constitute an upgrade? Finally comfortable in my seats, in section 548, I was treated to even MORE music as The Pat McGee Band was rocking the stadium. If you're not familiar with said PMB all you need to know is that there's another band with very similar initials that they are apparently trying to imitate. Well Pat sang the National Anthem and later God Bless America.....there's your music before, during, and after.

DURING THE GAME: Once "newly" planted in section 206 (about the 20th row or so) I started watching the crowd. As the Nats were taking it to the Cubs I noticed that everyone was having a wondrous time. Everyone was waving towels, and dancing to the "Pump It" song when Soriano came up in the 4th Inning. Soriano proceed to blast a ball into just about the Left Field Upper Deck (it landed in the Terrace Seats) and it's that moment that the true DC fans came out of their "Pageantry" induced comas. About 31,000 people collectively turned to each other and said, "They better not trade that kid." Everyone stood for the entire last out of the game (which hasn't happened during a DC Sporting event in the past 15 years without having you yelled at). The game ended soon after and the Nats had just swept the Cubs to move up to last place in the division.

AFTER THE GAME: This is the point of any experience where I begin to pick apart things as best a pessimist can. Maybe it was because I came during the last game of the series, but things seemed more of a cover-up than anything. As Nats fans were giving the Cubs fans the business I couldn't help to think that DC Fans were again being brainwashed....again.

The Nationals are still in last place. So much so that a sweep only pulled them within 3 games of the second to last place Phillies. They are 16.5 games behind the NL East leading Mets and are third to last in the entire National League. They are on the verge of trading the only player worth the price of admission on the team in Soriano. And no matter how much you polish a turd....RFK is still a 45 year old stadium. Prices weren't cut, the Foodcourt was found only by chance, the music sucked, the giveaway was cheap, I didn't meet any players or owners, and most importantly I missed the damn President's race while I was stealing lower level seats in the fourth.

THE DAY AFTER: Here's where it gets bad. I'm an Orioles fan...I always have been, and unfortunately always will. But over the past two years the Nats have had a chance to take the honor of being my favorite "National League Team". I generally like the players, I have fun at the games, and it's only 6 miles from my house. But even after this weekend I open up the "Virtual" Papers and find nothing but negativity.

MLB is accusing the DC government of missing deadlines that could threaten the April 2008 opening of the new ballpark.

This was the perfect opportunity for the Nationals to "steal" Orioles fans in Northern Virginia like myself (I mean come on the Orioles just called up Fernando Tatis!), but they botched this like everything else so far.

The Soriano trade watch has him going to a different team almost daily. With the new wrinkle being that he wants a No-Trade Clause.

"I've never in my career -- three teams, all these many seasons, [even with] all-stars, Hall of Famers -- no one has ever had a no-trade contract," Kasten said. "That's just a matter of history. . . . I have a philosophy about that. You can give a guy what you want, you can pay as much as you want. What you can't give away is your power to improve your club."- Stan Kasten, New Nationals President.

And even as I'm writing this down there's more to piss me off about the Nationals. Apparently The White Sox are "extremely close" to trading for Nationals outfielder Alfonso Soriano, a source close to the situation told ESPN The Magazine's Tim Kurkjian. The Nationals have great interest in pitcher Brandon McCarthy......that's right Brandon "Stuck in the Bullpen" McCarthy. Just shoot me now.

I have just one thing to say to the Lerners and Stan Kasten....actually make that 31,000 things. You Better Not Trade This Guy.

Here's the video of Ricky Willams breaking his arm in a CFL game. It actually looks pretty bad in Slo mo. I cannot believe his career isn't over yet....he's like the Terminator.

Interesting weekend...... Barbaro is Still Alive (I love horses!), Tiger Wins (I didn't watch), Ricky Williams breaks his arm (don't care), RFK re-opens to a sweep of the Cubbies (I went, nothing was different), a Bengals player is arrested (Um...no comment), Floyd Landis wins the Tour de France (exciting, very exciting), and after wasting months the Chiefs sign Ty Law to a 5!!!! Year deal? (Makes no sense)

Well here at AA we are always looking forward, so enough on the weekend....onto the week ahead.....

Here's what you will see this week (guaranteed):

1. A review of the "Grand Re-Opening of RFK"
2. The Inaugural review of an American Sportscaster's Interview.
3. The Inaugural Simmons Review
4. All the MLB Trade Deadline Hype (well that ESPN can shove down your throat)
5. And any Awfulness we find during the week.

Hope to see you as the week goes on, and until we get to #1......here's a brief from the Onion courtesy of Off The Baggie

P.S.- I don't really love horses....I was just hoping the Reese Witherspoon look-a-like could hear me.....but alas, no luck.

Okay everyone, I have to preface this by saying that I was saving this for 1) The right moment, and 2) The right way to use it.....

I found this website. A website that contains such hidden comdedy that I can't even begin to express my glee through your computer screen. I thought about teasing the thing and giving you chunks at a time without giving away its identity. I thought about sending an email in and seeing if I could get an interview with the "founder". I even thought about not sharing it and hording it for my own personal enjoyment. But in the end I felt it was my job, nay MY DUTY!, to share this with you.

So without further ado I give you The American Sportscasters Association Online!

Oh have I ever found it enjoyable and informative! Now I will let you peruse this thing yourself, but there's a couple of things I wanted to show you up front:

First place you have to go is the Interviews Section. Such comdey.....these are going to have to be their own pieces. I'm gonna pick these appart so bad....you have no idea.

___________________________________________________________

I lead you now to the "Officers and Board of Directors." (List below) I have no idea who Louis O. Schwartz is but I am familliar with the rest, and the interesting thing is that 3 out of the 7 are currently deceased. I'm definitely not making light of their deaths, but you'd think they'd bump a couple of the Advisory board up to the Officer's Level, and at least acknowledge Curt Gowdy's passing.

Officers & Board of Directors

Dick Enberg (CBS Sports), Chairman of the Board
Louis O. Schwartz, President & Founder
Curt Gowdy (ABC Sports), Vice President
Jon Miller (ESPN/Voice of the San Francisco Giants)
Jim Nantz (CBS Sports)
Don Dunphy (Voice of Boxing) Deceased 1998
Jack Brickhouse (Voice of Chicago Cubs) Deceased 1998

________________________________________________________


The "Advisory Board" (List Below) just kills me. A few questions (and if anyone can answer these in the comments I'll send you an Awful Announcing T-shirt, due in stores 2011). 1) Who the hell is Jeannie Morris and What is an Adventure Diva? I looked it up at AdventureDivas.com and they describe it as "a broad enterprise that unites adventure travel and modern-day heroines to create fresh new media for television, the web, and print. On our up days we call ourselves a girl-driven media empire. On our down days…well, we just drink more coffee".......How on earth does this relate to sports again? 2) Is it really necessary to have representatives from Quinnipiac University and Georgia State? I mean you couldn't get someone from maybe a Temple or a Clemson? 3) Pat Summerall is listed as such: Pat Summerall - ESPN (fill-in). Who the heck is he filling in for? Please tell me it's Shelley Smith.

Advisory Board

Marv Albert- TNT Sports & Westwood One Radio
Todd Ant- ABC Radio
Scott Clark- WABC-TV Sports Anchor
Bob Costas- NBA & HBO Sports
Donna de Varona- formerly of ABC Sports
Merle Harmon- ABC/NBC Baseball Announcer, retired
Tommy Heinsohn- Fox Sports/Boston Celtics
Gary McKillips- Georgia State University
Jeannie Morris- Adventure Divas
Bob Murphy- New York Mets (deceased 2004)
Robin Roberts- ABC/ESPN
Bill Schweizer- Quinnipiac University
Pat Summerall- ESPN (fill-in)
Lesley Visser- CBS Sports
Dick Vitale- ESPN
Bill Walton- ABC Sports & ESPN
___________________________________________________________

Okay...moving on to the ASA Jobs section...my personal favorite is:

7/6/06- CLIENT SERVICES REPRESENTATIVE- Seattle, WA: This position provides support for the sales team and traffic department in the areas of interdepartmental relations, client services, computer data generation, general sales projections and overall administrative assistance. Qualifications include effective time management skills; close attention to detail; knowledge of software such as Word and Excel; and a professional appearance and attitude. Four-year degree in marketing or communications preferred.

Really??? I spent four years at Qunnipiac majoring in Communications to be a Client Services Representative?

_________________________________________________________

And then finally I give you the Hall of Fame.....

While everyone on this list is very deserving it shows exactly what I was describing in a past article The decline of Announcers is so bad that the Association set in place to reward such individuals hasn't put someone in the Hall Of Fame since 1999!!!!!!!

More later on the interviews, but here's a tidbit from our favorite announcer one Joseph Francis Buck:

Lou Schwartz: "We have many young men and women writing to the ASA asking us how to get on the air. Tell me a little something about your background and how you started."

Joe Buck: "I would recommend to any young person getting into sportscasting to first get a famous father. Once you pick that up then I think you're fine.

(Now I would never condone harassing emails but Mr. Schwartz does list his email address on the main page)

So this is the new feature of Awful Announcing (Since I can only watch so many local feeds of MLB games and make fun of the Announcers). The weekly/bi-weekly/monthly review of everything Sports Guy. Let me explain....

For the longest time Bill Simmons was my favorite sports writer. He was knowledgeable, a good writer, funny, and loved Karate Kid. Back when he was writing every other day his columns were a staple for me. When I was in college I would read them in class. When I worked for the Wizards I would print out the articles and read them on the metro. When I worked in Philly I would print them out and read them in the bathroom. I even have an autographed article from the middle of the playoff chase last year. My birthday was coming up, and I explained to a friend in Boston that I was sick of all the Yankees/RedSox Articles. At a book signing he had Simmons write, "This column rocked, hope your birthday sucks." Well I loved that gift, and I still do, but here's my real issue.

Ever since Bilbo moved out to Los Angeles his articles have changed. They are no longer funny, the Boston References moved from 60% to 80%, and his knowledge of the game has seemed to wane. Now there are a few things that could explain this...obviously he's a new father...but his jumping of the shark is directly correlated to the company he works for. Personally, I cannot stand ESPN. They have been brain washing the masses for years now, and I think they finally got to Simmons. I had noticed this change for awhile, but I didn't want to believe that my favorite writer was changing. Then came this column.

The second to last Mailbag question someone asks him the sitting/standing rules in sports, and this is his response:

1. When the ball is in play, you can't make a unilateral decision for your section to stand. It's not up to you -- you need 3-4 people in your row backing you up, and everyone else in your section should follow suit within 3-4 seconds. If it doesn't catch, sit down. Or else you're being a jerk.

2. During a big play, you can't jump out of your seat erratically -- like, as somebody is shooting a jump shot (not when the jump shot actually goes in), or as the QB goes back to pass (not as the football is in the air). Try to act like a normal person. It's not hard.

3. I'm all for the whole "stand up, wave your arms and try to get everyone in your section to stand up" routine, a valuable weapon that almost always falls into the wrong hands ... but pick your spots, for God's sake. Try to have some sense of the moment.

4. When there are cheerleaders on the floor/field during a timeout, that doesn't make it OK to stand up and ogle them like you were just released from prison. That means that everyone else will have to stand up to ogle them. ... Basically, you're blowing our cover.

5. Coming out of a timeout, it's not acceptable to stand up, then tug violently at the front of your jersey hoping to get noticed by the guy working the Jumbotron camera. Unless you have a mental problem. Then it's OK.

6. I'm all for standing up and yelling at the referees; I'm the same guy who carries a list of their jersey numbers and names in my wallet. But say your piece, belt out your best "hey, ref, bend over and use your good eye!"-type joke and sit down. Don't turn it into one of those endless Lewis Black rants.

7. If you break any of these rules, and someone screams at you to "sit down," you can't turn around, remain standing and start jawing at that person -- they're just trying to watch the game, you're the one who's blocking them. Be considerate and sit down. Unless you weigh 250-plus and can kick everyone's ass. Then you should do whatever you want

Now I agree with the majority of those rules...mainly #'s 2, 4, and 5. But the rest seem to me something a "Sports Guy" would never say. In his latest article he talks about how, "Soccer does have the one thing that drew me to sports in the first place: Great crowds. There's nothing like following a sport with fans who know how to make a big game feel even bigger." Soccer would be an awful sport if it wasn't for Rules #1, 3, 6, and 7. He goes on to say, "American sports have been ravaged by TV timeouts, ticket price hikes and Jumbotrons that pretty much order fans how to act. Just look at what happened in the NBA playoffs. "

Now for those of you who don't know, I live in Arlington, VA and grew up in Maryland. The teams I root for are the Skins, Maryland Basketball, Wizards, and Orioles. There is not place where that quote above is more evident than FedEx field. The ticket prices are insane, football TV timeouts are the worst, and they have these awful jumbotron graphics (Including one that can only be described as three mob construction workers having seizures. If you've been there you know which one I'm talking about.)

Well the reason that American Sports have become so bad to attend in person is because of the teams ignoring the fans and catering to the big corporations. Every lower level seat in FedEx is filled by some Washington Bigwig Douchebag who thinks Heath Shuler is a Tobacco Lobbyist from South Carolina. There's a reason why FedEx field (at 91,000 seats) can't even compare to the noise at Lambeau (70,000), Arrowhead (79,000), and the 68,000! at Gillette Stadium. I've been battling these a-holes for years. The root word of fan has always been fanatic.

So basically Simmons just contradicted himself in just the mere span of two months, and I'm tired of it. Here's the plan going forward:

I'm going to rate his columns on a scale of 1-5.....1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest. And what you ask will he be trying for??? But of course.....Red Sox Championship Rings.

What it boils down to is this...For the longest time I held him up on a pedestal, and I still think there's a great writer in there somewhere. I believe that ESPN has turned him into half the "Sports Guy" he was, and I refuse to believe that I will ever stop being a fanatic. I'm protesting until he's back to his old form. From here on out he will be rated on 1) Timing/Relevance 2) The number of Boston Sports Mentions 3) Knowledge of the Subject.....and 4) Overall writing within the article. As always, I welcome your comments and the first review is coming soon.

Should be another busy day today, but I'm planning on unveiling a new feature to Awful Announcing that I'm sure you'll love. In the meantime enjoy this video of Donald Brashear playing in a Quebec League during the lockout. There's an unwritten rule in Hockey that once you go down the fight's over. Let's just say the Donald was no longer in the league after this. (He's the guy at the top of the screen...don't take your eyes off him)

For months now New Yorkers have been looking for someone to "replace" Mike Piazza as the incumbent man to "poke" fun at.....Alas, I think they've found their man. One David Allen Wright. Now I'm not one to spread rumors, so I will provide you with physical evidence.

First, he is way too pretty. As a man I can comfortably say that he makes me jealous. He's young, in the majors, and apparently can hold his liquor. But he has quotes like these, "When I first got to the majors in 2004, female fans held up signs asking me to marry them. Those girls today were what, 13, 14? I'm 23, but that's a little young even for me."

Hmmm....so that was the evidence before I saw him on The Late Show with David Letterman on July 12th, 2006. Here's what I got from Mr. Wright (as the females love to call him):

2:54 into the video- "I like to suck up to Willie, As long as he writes my name in the lineup everyday, I'll suck up to him. (No Comment)

3:45- His brothers beat him up as a kid. (perhaps wrestling matches?)

4:13- Constantly sticks his tongue out when he plays. (Not sure what this means but it's funny looking)

7:10- And the tell tale sign.....they played Dave Matthews Band on the outro.

Now if that doesn't scream _____ then I don't know what does. So I think that pretty much solves my theory that David Wright is ______. Or he's a ridiculous baseball player, and I'm jealous of his abilities and dreamy good looks. I think you know the answer to that one.....yea it's the former.

Ahhh, I feel better now.

So I'm going to be ridiculously busy over the next few days. (Job/Life...blah, blah, blah) Anyways, I don't know how much time I'll have to post, so in the meantime I'll be throwing up other sites work (in an awful attempt to pretend like I'm still posting). Up first, this video from Kiss Me Suzy. Make sure you watch the whole thing....just when you think it's over.....Bo does it again!

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/07/no-words-they-shouldve-sent-poet.html

So the new management of the Nats made a big splash tonight swinging the first big trade of the Summer (Aubrey Huff doesn't count 'Stros fans) Here are the particulars:

Nationals Get: Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner
Reds Get: Gary Majewski, Bill Bray, Royce Clayton, Brendan Harris, and Daryl Thompson

"We paid a steep price," Reds general manager Wayne Krivsky said. "I'm sure this will be a controversial trade. I know a lot of people will be leaving nasty messages on my voicemail, and I'll have some who think it's great."

Ummm yea. You're damn straight you paid a steep price! The Reds bullpen was horrible, but you are going up against the Cardinals....you're not going to catch them. You gave up Austin Kearns who's a power hitter who's coming into his own at only 26 years old. You gave up Felipe Lopez who is 26 also, 4th in the NL in steals, and an All Star last year. And you also gave up a former #1 Draft Pick.

And what did you get? A righty and lefty reliever of average nature. Both are really young and haven't proved anything. You get a 36 year old shortstop (obviously to fill the void that was the elderly Barry Larkin). And two random with a total of 27 games in the majors between them (Harris-27, Thompson-0).

So you think Bowden was getting back at his former team or what? A deal like this was probably worked out in his severance package when they let him go.

P.S.- Ponson is now a yankee, and as an Orioles fan.....I couldn't be happier for the Yanks.

Wow that was pretty bad.....Here's what I learned 1) The AL will always triumph, because the NL is dumb. (I hope at least a few of you get that reference) 2) All-Star players looove to hit into double plays and ground ball outs of various nature. 3) Michael Young was apparently the AL Batting Champ last year. Was Ichiro dead? 4) The MVP wins a Chevy Avalanche? When Tejada won last year he got a corvette. If I was Michael Young I'd be pissed. And most important......

5) I've figured out Joe Buck and Tim McCarver:

Here's the thing....Joe Buck isn't all that bad as an announcer. He knows light-years more than Tim McCarver, and he is genuinely into the game. It's the "Disgusting Act" thing that put him over-the-top. McCarver is a different story. He's a complete dolt, and just makes things up as he goes.

You know this going in, and that's fun to make fun of. You can have McCarver'isms all day long and just shake your head at him, but it's when they get together that makes me want to cut my ears off. There's just something about the combination that just grates at the nerves and makes you physically want to harm someone or something.

With Berman you have ridiculousness, With Stephen A. you have over the top yelling, With Theisman/McCarver/Hubie Brown you have Idiocy, and with Bill Walton you have disdain. It's a very easy formula and you know what to look for going in. But with JB and Timmy Mc it's a different story. Joe Buck's smarmy attitude (which he obviously didn't get from his dad) combined with McCarver's utter ignorance of everything Baseball (funny, because he used to be a player and a pretty good one) mesh together and create something so God Awful you have to change the channel. Looking around the web today here are some of the comments I've found:

• The funniest thing about Joe Buck is that he ACTS like he knows people don't like him, in order to achieve the cheap self-deprecation laughs- PostmanE (from Deadspin)
• Thankfully we only had to endure Joe Buck for the telecast and not any asinine hotel commercials.- filthyfowl (from Deadspin)
• Jamie said...The plane will be a little lighter... fucking IDIOT I HATE YOUGO SLAMALAMA DING DONG YOURSELF YOU FUCK (From the Comments)
• Andy Mac said... Imagine if you were not a baseball fan and stumbled upon one of those Holiday Inn commercials by accident. It would be almost as disturbing for them as it is for us. WTF. (From the Comments)
• I do not know what happened until the 9th inning after these events, because the middle of the game doctors were trying to remove the various long, dull objects that I was ramming into my ears.- GA Hill (From Deadspin)

You get the idea....

For some ridiculous reason the stations that broadcast the All-Star Games, Championships, etc. have decided to put the worst collection of Announcers together for the most important games. While great ones like John Miller, Marv Albert, Bob Costas, Al Michaels (did last years SB, but not this years), Gus Johnson, etc. get passed over because the "Flagship" Announcing team already HAS to be in place. Like mixing and matching would be a crime.

Just to give you a better sense of how far downhill we've gone in every major sport here are the Announcers now and who the teams were when I was younger.

Baseball (ASG, and WS):
Current: Joe Buck and Tim McCarver 1995: Bob Costas and Al Michaels

Football (SuperBowl, tough because of the rotating schedule):
CBS- Current: Jim Nantz and Phil Simms 1992: Pat Summerall and John Madden
NBC- Current: John Madden and Al Michaels 1998: Dick Enberg, Phil Simms, Paul Maguire
ABC- 2005: Al Michaels and John Madden 1999: Al Michaels and Boomer Esiason

Basketball (NBA Finals):
Current: Mike Breen and Hubie Brown 2002: Marv Albert, Bill Walton, Steve Jones

There is only one case where I see an improvement and that's in NBC's Football Broadcast team. And they only real reason there's a change because ABC dropped out of the SuperBowl rotation and Michaels and Madden jumped to NBC. I'm sure if ABC still had M&M, NBC would trot out a ragtag Announcing team of Don Meredith and Melissa Stark....and Bob Costas as a sideline reporter.....but I digress.

I guess the conclusion is that no other Annoucning Troupe brings out pure hatred like these two. And now, with the recent Fox Announcement, combined with Joe's arm around McCarver and the incesant cackling as they went off air....we now know they will be with us for 7 more years.

But hey, I guess the bright side is that I have something and someone to write about for the next seven years.

Some comments used from the article at Deadspin here.

We'll be back again tonight for an evening of live-blogging action on the 2006 MLB All-Star Game where Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will be on hand as our hosts from Pittsburgh. This promises to be a sure-fire laugher all the way through. See you a little before 8pm everyone.




















(Ozzie gives the thumbs up to the live-blog....So should you!)

8:46- I'm in! Finally.....okay sorry about that. Since Fox can't start a broadcast on time I missed one out. Jeter up and almost gets crushed by a Brad Penny pitch. 99mph on that one. You might say he's "over-throwing".

"Unh Unh"- TM imitating Brad Penny. Thanks for that McCarver....thanks a lot.

Penny strikes out the side....screw it over throw. STAND UP!

8:56- Wow, live-blogging baseball is much slower than I thought. I'm just waiting to pounce on McCarver, but he's given me nothing so far. They do have their Pirate stats prepared though...even breaking out a Van Slyke reference. No score after 1.

9:03- I was just wondering about Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Challenge(s). Has there ever been a bigger self-proclaimed whore in the history of television. And what ever happened to her debilitating liver disease?

Fox goes to an untelligible Sounds of the Game. I think it had to be bleeped out because David Wright was cursing again. Vladdy Homers. 1-0, so much for the perfect game Penny.

And the Wiggles provide the Homerun music......riiight Fox, riiiight.

"And Mr. Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes hits one at his Shoulders and hits it out"-JB, Here we go....I'm feeling it.

9:12- Wow! Now this is comedy. A Holiday Inn commercial where folks feel Joe Buck's neck and make him talk. How many of the extras did they have to cut because they kept trying to choke him???? Anybody? Anybody? Moving on....

9:15- Uh oh....there's action in the bullpen early. This can't be a good sign for Penny.

"Not only is the guy a great player you can see with the smile on his face that this is a marketable young player"- JB, wow! like him much?

9:24- The AL taps into the bench with Ordonez coming to the plate. Real High scoring affair we have going here. Ken Rosenthal is in the crowd.....fake and bake Ken....fake and bake.

This sure is boring....Will from Deadspin sent me an email early....and I quote, "Have fun....If you CAN".....I'm pretty sure he was trying to jinx me. DAMN YOU WILLIAM!!!!

Other viewing choices at the moment: Supernova- a show about a "Super Group" trying to find a new lead singer (think INXS but worse), and Last Comic Standing. On CBS and NBC.

9:34- Soriano is gunned out at home by Vernon Wells, and Beltran then scores on a Wild Pitch. Did I mention that I'm betting on this game? I figure I'd get it all out in the open before the crack down on the gamblers out there. Cover your tracks everyone.....cover your tracks.

9:40- Brandon Webb in for the NL.....here come the runs. Even when Tim McCarver is making sense I still hate him.

ARRIBA! ARRIBA! Such a great fitting tribute to Roberto Clemente Fox. Not racist in the least.

9:53- Joe Buck honors Roberto Clemente....shoot me. I love Roberto Clemente and his Autobiography is one of the best books I've ever read (even did a book report on it), but this is not the way to honor him. I bet you Bud thinks the standing O is for him.

"You guys having any fun tonight?"- JB, NOOOOOOOOOO!

10:02- Freddy Sanchez is in.....Yesssss. So is Arroyo. Or excuse me....Brandon Rice. "He can play guitar he can sing"- JB describing said Rice. "When your from Key West Florida you can do those both very well"- TMc , I think that was a Jimmy Buffet reference, but I'm not really sure....either way, good one Timmy.

I've got twenty that says Little Man overtakes Pirates this weekend....who's on board?

"It is not easy constantly playing catchup when you're scoring in an All Star Game"- JB, Yea it's not easy in any situation, and it's gay. I'm the guy that spills the beer on your scorecard JB.

10:13- So the roommate bring out the comment of the night. In a straight voice he says, "Sooo are the Orioles playing tonight?" (Maybe he should be writing this)

10:17- "Albert Pujols almost walked right into Jerek Jeter"- JB, Yea I'm being picky now but they've give me nothing tonight.

10:23- "The Question Mets fans are asking is What if we had Kazmir?"- JB, Yea I'm sure that's what they're asking sitting atop the NL East 10+ games.

Okay that catch by Gary Matthews Jr. was ridiculous (and he's an ex Oriole)

10:30- Joe Buck just killed ESPNs trade deadline rumors with this quote "20 of the 30 teams in the Majors are within 6 games of the playoffs. That's why come the trade deadline there won't be that many moves" I think a hit was just called in.

"He got into a food fight when he was in High School"- David Wright's Father, Wow I guess he hasn't seen the photos of his son taking shots at 2am in NYC

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Tough play for Howard Sanchez....crawls into the web"- Timmy McCarver!!!

Oh thank my lucky stars.....who the hell is Howard Sanchez and the ball crawls into the web????

10:38- "I don't think anyone squares up on the mound quite the way Santana does"- TMc, Umm What????

The Pepcid Complete Double Play......Sponsorship at its finest.

"Jam shot to 2nd"- JB, I'd give anything to get a jamshot these days....but I digress.

10:50- Harold Baines gives a kid a splintered bat.....can someone say lawsuit?

2-1? Really?????

10:53- Is Joe Buck really that popular? And how much did Holiday Inn waste to time these ads with the All Star Game? Did I mention I'm plotting to kill Joe Buck? THAT IS A DISGUSTING ACT!

The Roommate, "Nice hit Brian McCann.....more like Brian McCan't!" The roommate is a Braves fan which makes this funny, but it's really the only thing I'm laughing at now. That and the comments.

11:01- Ninth inning is almost over before I can post this. "Crowd starts to climb back in it"- JB, Suuuuure they do.

FELIPE LOPEZ!!!!!!!! is in the game.

MICHAEL YOUNG! And something actually happens in the game.....

Apparently no one has ever heard of the AL batting Champ before says Buck, and he delivers a two-run double.....on to the Bottom of the ninth, and I think I speak for all of us when I say...
"LET'S PLAY TWO!"

11:12- Mets fans everywhere cringe as Beltran legs that out.....I have a feeling Garner is trying to get him injured.

11:19- So thus ends the worst baseball game ever.......

Wow that ends a WONDERFUL night of "All-Star" Baseball. There was no Tim McCarver quote that could beat this quote, so I will leave you with it......

"Bobby Abreu is so good because he has the lightest grip with his left hand in the league. He grips the bat like a pianist." - Timmy Mc

Repeat pianist over and over and tell me how much more funny that sentence sounds. As always thanks to the troopers (commenters) I appreciate it greatly. Good night, sorry for the technically difficulties, and thanks again for stopping by.

****UPDATE**** Fox has announced that they will have Baseball for the next 7 years....Fuck me. (Sorry Jamie)

****DOUBLE UPDATE**** Brandon Rice sings the outro for the ASG.....I'm going to go hang myself now.

So here's what I learned last night: 1) Even though I lived in Pennsylvania for over a year I still had not heard of any of the cities Leather mentioned last night. 2) Deadspin fans in Pittsburgh are liars....no YWM,L sightings. 3) David Wright has a potty-mouth 4) "Pulling a Harold" was not what I originally thought it was. 5) The Homerun Derby is pretty boring without liquor and commenters who are much more funny than I will ever be......

TOP 12 Comments (Please click on the names and check out the other great sites out there.):

12. DCThrowback said... Might as well make it a troika from DC. Shouldn't we just form our own kickball team and get it over with? This is only funny to the DCers, but it's sooo true.

11. Alex said...Gary Thorne announcing the celebrity softball game makes me sad. Me too actually...he's one of the good ones. He got screwed in the Hockey deal.

10. Auric said...I think berman just climaxed after howard's shot over center. His signature Ohhhh! was in full effect last night.

9. BoSox Siobhan said...Ya know, I sort of hope D. Wright has a filthy mouth. It would offset his pretty face. Not sure how to take that comment....especially from a RedSox fan.

8. Goulet said...Why is Dan Uggla there? Good question. I looked deeper into this and here are the reserves for each league: AL- Mauer, Konerko, Thome, Cano, Jose Lopez, Glaus, Tejada, Michael Young, Dye, Matthews Jr., Ordonez, Ramirez, Rios, Sizemore, & Pierzynski NL- Berkman, Howard, Cabrera, Rolen, Reyes, Holliday, Eckstein, Freddy Sanchez???, A. Jones, Brian McCann???, Carlos Lee, Garciaparra. Reyes is the only one in the NL not playing, and his replacement was Eckstein. So that means Holliday, Freddy Sanchez, and Brian McCann were named to the team as original reserves. In the AL Cano, Ramirez, and Rios are out with Jose Lopez being the only replacement. Now I'm not telling anyone to bet or anything (because it's illegal) but come on!

7. jordan said...Cabrera lets the ball come to him? Really? As opposed to running out and catching it halfway to home plate?

6. R U B E N S T E I N said...The super slo-mo is cool, but Big and Rich can lick my ball and ball.

5. Jamie said...McCarver makes me want to bang my head on the television like Zidane on Materrazi's chest. Me too Jamie....me too. Wait until tonight.

4. stan said...I'm pretty sure harold reynolds called it the "Alligator River" first.
GettingBadPunsWright said... Whatever. It's still Berman's fault.
stan said...that's totally fair. It's always Berman's fault.....always.

3. R U B E N S T E I N said...I am a heterosexual Mets fan. But I think I have a huuuge crush on David Wright.
Tom said...I'm a heterosexual Tigers fan, and I have a huge crush on David Wright.
Ahhh, D Wright is bridging the gap between fans of all teams and sexual orientation. What a breath of fresh air.

The Top Two were tough to decide, and I was going to award a tie, but this is America! (and a Ken Burns joke wins in my book)

2. red candypaint said...The Yankees just offered that black kid shagging balls in LF ten million over three. Now that's just comedy.

1. Tom said...Wasn't the House of David that barnstorming Jewish Baseball team? I could be totally off base on this one, but I think Ken Burns told me about that once. Too funny...I have no idea what Berman was referring to, but thanks to great research from Tom at the The Roscoe Report we see that....um, he doesn't really know what he's referring to either.

As always....if I missed anyone's site post a comment and I'll add it in later today. Thanks for your comments, and we're doing it again tonight live from PNC

Until then....here's your homework assignment: Read up and prepare your comments for one James Timothy McCarver. I make fun, you provide the funny.

Is everyone ready for some half-assed Live Bloggin? If you are looking for a much more Non-Announcer (Chris Berman) go to RedSox Chick Okay let's do this thing......

7:52- Below are the jerseys that the AL and NL All-Stars will be wearing. Somewhere the designers of the World Football League Jerseys are smiling.

7:59- Swing Batta Batta Swing Batta Batta Swang. Seriously Worst song ever. And we have Country at the MLB All-Star game. We're comin' to your Citay!

8:02- COWBOY TROY WHAT!?!?!

8:04- "If you want a little in your Ching Chang come along" Oh and I will Big and Rich....I will.

8:09- Our first Berman sighting....."Are you ready for some long ball?" No nicknames in the intros....I'm upset. Say it ain't so Christopher! Karl Ravech, Joe Morgan, and the Krukster are in the outfield, but protected by a screen.

8:12- Rule changes: HRs carry over from the 1st round, slate wiped clean starting with the Final Two. I don't understand how that's different but okay? "We had a flyover a few minutes ago, and Harold we're about to have a flyover of some baseballs"

8:14- Does there really need to be a first pitch of the Home Run Derby. Either way, Maz gets a standing O......and throws a ball. Let's go Ryan Howard.....coming in at 7-2 odds.

8:17- Tejada up. "What a thrill for those kids to shag balls"-CB. Why are they all talking at the same time? Stop going to the Baseball tonight crew at the same time! Followed by a 4 hour diatribe on how Tejada's mood has changed since the B-12 allegations. I'm pretty bored all ready. "Well the fence shorter the distance is longer for righties"- CB....uh what? Someone explain that to me please. "Solid Gold there....maybe that's what he needs....the gold ball"-CB

Three for Miggy, and we get a shot of Ortiz with his kid and Berman pulls this out, "Big Papi actually being a Big Papi." Oh god here we go.

8:27- Berkman coming up.....and Wow!!!!! Chris Berman is taking a batter off!!! That's just crazy. First one into the river.....looked foul to me. Okay Berman is back....whew. "Doesn't matter it's wet." "Berkman from Texas and they make things big in Texas, and Berkman needs a big finish here" "Kayak city out there!" That's right CB.....there it is. Keep em' coming.

Lance Berkman is weak as well.....just three....the other Miggy is coming up now.

8:33- Berman gets another break between batters....he gets needs time to replenish his Puns. Okay guys it's not Baseball Tonight let's not talk over each other. Bonnie Bernstein is there.....so that's good. Ivan Rodriguez says something about the reason the Tigers are better in the record books is because of winning. "How about his uh...leap on the Post season er stage" Can Berman form a sentence anymore? And there's our first voice crack of the night from Berman "POOooooOOjols."

"Little Baby Face"- HR describing Cabrera....."Is this one a Baby or is it....yes! Gone!"- CB.

Cabrera with nine......he's too tired. Stupid Rookies. Glaus up next.

8:47- Troy Glaus is up....as I grab a Keystone Light. Don't even know how those made it into my house. "Yikes....way up there and gone" I'm still hoping a kid climbs the wall one day. Good call on Troy Glaus Kruster. Did Kruk just say, "Not to be a Heroin"? Um what? "Now the Golllld......oh wait he's done. Good save Bermski. David Wright coming up.....

8:54- Paul Lo Duca pitches to David Wright....interesting move there. The Baseball Tonight Crew is so f'ing boring it's ridiculous......they don't even talk about the batter at all. "Did he get too much air on that? No,.....2nd Deck."- KR, close call there Karl. Does Joe Morgan ever stop laughing at his own jokes?

New drinking rule- Everytime the huge "kid" in the outfield steals a ball from a little kid drink a beer.

Wow Wright is putting on show......"He hits this one all the way to Sulwicky!"- CB. And there's our first Pennsylvania reference. YES! "This ball is just pounded to McKeysPort" That's two, as David Wright's OH DAMNs are bleeped out, and we can't hear CB's OHs! Wright hits 16.

Oh Davey.....you're so Dreamy! Even moreso on the SloMo Cam.....JDye coming up.

9:09- AJ Pyez in the Booth! Is his kid missing a chin too? Is something like that genetic? I'm still upset by Chris Berman taking off parts of innings....."AJ you're like pigpen from Charlie Brown" They bring Berman in and he continues to interupt AJ and the gang. "It's gone to Upper St. Claire"-CB "He that one almost to Erie- AJ, "Almost"-CB. (Berman is thinking.....STOP TAKING MY BIT YOU JACKASS....so he makes fun of AJ's daughter) "How come your daughter is so polite?" Nice exchange....two dicks don't ever make a right though.

9:16- A very old Professor tells us how to hit one into the Allegheny....good piece ESPN.

9:17- I think he can hit it all the way to the Confluence"- CB and then somehow takes us by river to Three Rivers Stadium. Just insane.....I can't believe it! Fight each other in the Kayaks! Wow two into the Alligator River! Good stuff. "Some serious Trombones"-CB, talking about the top three distances.....WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!! Seriously, someone explain that to me. "Swimming Swimming the Crawl Stroke beats the Breast Stroke" Yes CB it does.

Damn, Ortiz just hit the ball over the BTonight Tent. BoSox Siobhan said...
Why does Berman persist in pronouncing "Big Papi" like "pap" smear? Very good point. Just another reason to hate him.

My boy Howard is comin' up....

9:31- Okay D Howard let's do this for the money.....all we need is 8. "You almost got a guy in a kayak out there"- CB to Ortiz. "He tried to get Kruk that's why"- HR officially hates the Krukster. "I wanna say what's up to my man Willie Harris"- Ortiz. Happy Birthday Deangelo....obviously named after the D'Angelo that sang Brown Sugar.

***UPDATE***- No YWM,L sighting as of yet.....keep your eyes peeled! DHow was clutch and keeps my 7-2 bet alive! On to the 2nd round.

9:45- David Wright up....."This good be the House of David here in Pittsburgh."-CB, umm what exactly is the House of David? Hahaha.....thanks kid! Keep robbing Wright. That kid is way too tall for a six foot wall, but anything so Howard and Ortiz are in the final. At least two of Wright's Dingers were arguably over. More golf references from Berman. "While others golfers are in the clubhouse" Berman botches where Wright is actually from...he says Norfolk, VA....it's Chesapeake, VA.

"Looks like the division winner is going to get in the playoffs"- Mark Loretta, Wow thanks Mark! Didn't know that.

9:52- Papi up as Pap Smear is in the BTonight booth. I didn't realize that Papelbon was such a degenerate.....seriously who beats on the home run Derby????? Um...yea....Moving On. "Maybe he needs Ravy to get late (sounds like laid) into his at bats here"- CB with the sexual innuendo! Berman turns Back, Back, Back into Paddle, Paddle, Paddle.....just retarded. "Got a message from Sam "Little Big" Horn, and he has a song out called Come to Papi".....Message to Deadspin, FIND THAT CLIP!!!!!!!!!

10:02- Miggy 2.0 up.....he's apparently on the "Highway to the Final Round" thanks Karl. "He said he pulled a Harold and Cabrera is pulling a rabbit out of HIS hat"- CB, He's officially lost it. "Cabrera knows Ryan Howard can thunder right behind him"-CB, more innuendo.

So Ryan Howard needs a total of 15.....

If you get bored with this turn it over to VH1 and watch the Pop Culture Trivia Challenge. How am I not on this show? I demand a recount!

10:10- Howard up....needs eight. DO IT! "Boomer, that is a Bomb"- HR Phil Garner's nickname is ScrapIron.....great name. "Thanks Bonnie, and these guys are dodging balls again"- CB, referring to the BBall Tonight booth. More Freudisms from Leather. One Homer left to get into the playoff two to win it. At least four people drowned on that 8th homerun.

There's only one charity you have to worry about Mr. Howard and that's my gambling account.

AND HERE'S YOUR FINAL- WRIGHT VS. HOWARD.....come on Ryan....one for the money.

10:23- And we're on to our "Penalty Shootout"....thanks Berman....you dick. "I've taken Wright from the start of this thing"- Kruk. "This has more spin than a whirlpool"-CB, yes Chris....yes it does.

"I think I'm going with Wright because......"-CB "Because you're a racist"- My Roommate.
Man I wish I made that joke.

"Lo Duca is the key here he's throwing the ball right in his little loop zone"- HR, What exactly is a "Loop Zone"

Wright looks cooked......Papi towels him off. Yes......only need 5 for the payday.

Howard could soon become my favorite player......no pressure big guy.

10:35- Last batter of the night (sans a PK Shootout) OOOOH, Should I live blog the Taco Bell All Star Legends and Celebrity Softball game????????

"Speaking of the Sea of Tranquility and the Moon ball are going into the water"- CB "That one was all the way to LaTrobe!"- CB....more PA references.

"There's only one way to do it and that's HARD."- David Wright, Tru dat Dave.....TRU DAT.

Oh yea baby! It's over! Where's my money?!

AND ON HIS LAST BALL HE HITS THE "HIT IT HERE" SIGN.......UNBELIEVABLE!

So Chris Berman wasn't as bad as I thought he woul be, but I blame that completely on the breaks he was getting. It's an outrage I tell you! Anyways, Awesome night, and not only because I won money for my "Personal Charity" but MLB gives away the farm....Howard hits the sign, they give away a house, and $300K to charity.

Good times all thanks for stopping by. You'll get your proppers tomorrow. See you tomorrow for the Big Game where McCarver and Buck will not have the opportunity for a break.

As Chef Ramsey would say "SHUT IT DOOWWWN!"