(Kinda similar looking huh?)

So the Slate had this article about the so-called improvement of Dave O'Brien over the tourney, but it reads like a complete Simmons' article. The title is there to grab your attention, but every point contradicts what the piece was to be about to begin with.

For example the title is "In Defense of the World Cup Announcers- They haven't been that bad. Seriously."

The title is almost immediately followed by this comment, "O'Brien has improved noticeably since the opening games. Yes, he started out overyapping, attempting to cram in everything he'd learned as he moved from the baseball diamond to the pitch. His first couple of games resembled the Opening Ceremonies at the Olympics, when reams of "fascinating" tidbits get dropped on the defenseless viewer." That sounds pretty bad to me. Please excuse me if I like my Announcing sans-Cramming. I don't think I'm alone in that category.

"He's also been prepared, on top of shifts in tactics and momentum, and has a good sense for the tone of the occasion. And it doesn't hurt that he's got one of the best voices in the industry." Really? Does this include the comment from the championship game in my previous posting AS WELL as calling Ronaldo "The Right-Footer from Brazil" in the Quarterfinals?....just checking.

"This was his charge, not to win over the hardcore minority who were going to watch the games regardless. A cynical maneuver by ESPN and ABC, perhaps, but that's football—it's the broadcasting equivalent of playing for a draw." Of course it wasn't his job to win over the hardcore minority...they were going to watch either way. His JOB was to win over the American sports fans, so they would watch the MLS on ESPN. People like me, who think soccer is boring, full of BS, and a very pretentious sport. There's a reason why we watch certain sports in the U.S. Say what you will about the majority of Announcers, but there's at least one/two good ones in each sport.

"O'Brien didn't help his cause among the soccer cognoscenti by referring to them as a "petulant little clique." " Umm...no, no he didn't. And it didn't help when he said "They're mean spirited", or when he said "They aren't the audience we want to reach anyways." Really Dave? You don't want Soccer in the U.S. to have the same passion that it does in Europe? I'm sure ESPN feels that way too. I worked for a league that took the family approach....you may have heard of it. The WUSA.....that worked well, seeing as I still have a job with the Philadelphia Charge. Wait, I don't? And I don't date Heather Mitts??? Crap.

"John Harkes, though, has stood out. The former U.S. National Team stalwart has a discerning eye for the players, knows where they ply their club trade, and has been properly aggrieved at the relentless diving and thuggery on display. Harkes and JP Dellacamera, a veteran of ESPN soccercasts who knows the game and doesn't feel the need to talk for the sake of talking, probably should have been the lead team." Yes, exactly. So doesn't that mean that everything you just said about O'Brien and Balboa is now debunked? Harkes was the only bright spot besides Julie Foudy's oddly endearing personality. I once met her at a bar after a game in Philly, and she was...well umm....let's us the word "Non-receptive" to my advances.

"Perhaps football isn't the world's unifying passion; it's announcer criticism."
Okay that I'll agree with. And with that said here are the Top Ten Awful Announcing Comments from Mr. O'Brien & Mr. Balboa over the past month:

10. "Robbins makes a reactionary save!"- Balboa, Reactionary is not a word. And the English Keeper's name is Robinson. (Thanks for the heads up fact checkers!)
9. "Ronaldo, The Right-Footer from Brazil"- O'Brien, Does his footing matter at all?
8. “This is the World Cup! This is why you need a computer chip in the ball! It’s like if you’re watching the World Series, it’s only inches between a strike and a ball.”- O'Brien, What does that even mean?
7. "Lampard is a great holding midfielder"- Balboa, That's not a real term either.
6. Commenting on England’s Peter Crouch: “He’s tall, like a skyscraper…”- O'Brien, THERE'S that "Story-telling" element you were referring to.
5. “If Costa Rica pulls this game back to tie, it will be one of the greatest victories in the history of the world cup”- O'Brien, Yea.....uh huh....riiiight....
4. “If they pull a goal back here, then the game turns around 360 degrees”- O'Brien, Close to a personal favorite there.
3. “A great chance there for Germany” (During England-Paraguay).- O'Brien, Seriously is he even trying at this point?
2. “We’ll stay for both overtimes and penalty kicks”- O'Brien, I don't need to get riled up again, so refer to the previous post.

1. "If the ball’s in play, ONE/TWO sentence quips or info nuggets are ok ‘Cole to Owen, who’s only played 8 hours of competitive football this year due to injuries, lofted ball to Lampard…’Basically they started out on Radio. And if you can make it interesting on radio and still get across exactly whats happening, you’re onto a winner.If the ball’s not in play, witter on all you want but DON’T talk over replays with idle chatter.The ‘play-by-play’ commentator is *usually* only allowed to butt in on stoppages or replays and even then it’s only ‘what did you think of that shot?’ ‘it was poor, he should have hit it better’ or ‘that shot nearly hit the corner flag’ stuff.I know its a bit rich me attempting to tell ESPN etc how to suck eggs but maybe they’d better learn that it’s hold egg in lips and draw breath sharply.I logged onto the ESPN coverage via a P2PTV service today for the ITA-AUS game having nowhere else online to watch it and was absolutely gobsmacked, so much so that I emailed ESPN to complain.Australia ran the ball up the left hand side, crossed, it was cleared, Italy broke down their left, lost possesion, Australia attacked again and got a free kick. During all that time (about 45secs-1min) the two presenters were nattering on about a previous yellow card.That’s really not helping me watch the game guys…Sure the BBC isn’t perfect, some of it is boring, but hey - BBC, ITV and Sky are the main 3 networks to watch Soccer on in the UK, (the BBC have been doing it since 1964 at least) sure they all have their fancy graphics and virtual replays, offside overlays and other gimmicks to inform (even the 10yard circle for free kicks to show how far back they’re not). But NEVER do they use them during attacking play. If the ball is in the centre third of the pitch, then maybe a graphic 1/8th size of the screen can appear giving the score and scorers. All other fanciness is for offsides and breaks in play. Don’t clutter the screen or someone will throw their Pint at it.Even the ESPN banner at the top of the screen is annoying, it’s HUGE. Sure it’s semitransparent but why is it also BLACK (that lovely see-thru colour..).You have no idea how sorry I felt for you guys this afternoon trying to watch it. It’s not so much the references to other sports and perceived ‘dumbing down’ its the lack of attention.. there is a GAME happening here, who’s on the ball? is the player who just lunged already on a yellow? who’s coming on as a sub? (in fact today it seemed they couldn’t find notes as to who Aloisi was when he came on for Australia, 30 secs of ‘yeah good change, this should make a difference’ before the brain clicked and OH THATS WHO HE IS).Maybe I expect too much, but i’ve seen so many posts since the beginning of the Cup talking about how people are listening to internet Radio coverage and watching Univision just to get some decent commentary."- Posted by a commenter "FoxHill" on the New York Times Blogging Site.

(Amen FoxHill.....Amen.)

There was a rather large Soccer game yesterday, where apparently a man nicknamed Zissou headbutted some dude in the chest??? I must have completely missed that because I was too busy listening to the verbal doo-doo that was coming out of the Announcers' mouths. (Of course I saw the head butt, and of course I thought it was rad, but come on everyone is writing about that.)

So our month long companions O'Brien and Balboa were the chosen ones to take us through this last and grueling match. And while I will have an entire rundown on them throughout the tournament later (mainly based on this retarded article from the usually reputable Slate) We'll reserve this space for yesterday's Championship Game.

At first I didn't think that they were doing too bad of a job, but alas 2+ hours of Soccer is a long time to not completely stumble over your words. 1st half was relatively flawless (well as flawless as it can be for those two) besides the James Lipton like comments i.e. "And the first half is HISTORY" & "Look at the magical left boot of the glorious Zidane". Second half and overtime is where they would shine.....

1. With Cannavaro making a great defensive play Balboa threw this out, "He’s been the nail back there that has kept the defense together." Really Balbs, what does that even mean? You can't just take common sports phrases, mush them together and try to make a new one suitable for your sport (he did this the whole tournament).
2. During Penalty Kicks as Pirlo from Italy buries the first kick straight down the middle past Barthez, Balboa explains, "Barthez dives the wrong way.” Now technically I did not do that well in Physics in college (D+, C-), but to save that ball that Pirlo kicked it probably would been beneficial if Barthez didn't dive at all. But like I said....I'm not the person to answer that question.
3. This wasn't really Mike Tirico's fault because he is doing what he is told by ABC, but come on...a cut-away to the Western Cialis Open PGA event right before penalty kicks in the biggest game in the entire world?!?! That's just appalling....way to kill the mood ABC. "Hey, stick around for the Western Cialis Open after the Penalty Kicks in the World Cup" (Tirico) F-off ABC.
4. This was a close runner up to the best comment of the day, and in fact it infuriated me when it was said, but number 5 was so ridiculous it had to be the best of the day. As Zidane is up-ended and hurts his should Balboa starts this exchange with O'Brien, “I think he hurts his shoulder there” (as Zidane points right to his shoulder as the medics run out)...“That’s the sign for sub.” Or it’s the sign that you have a hurt shoulder ass?!?!? There are no subs up, and you just stated a second before that he hurt his shoulder. Then the juggernaut duo tried to turn this into a "Zidane is God" angle for the rest of the game. Does anyone really think that Zidane would have come out of that game, in extra time no less, unless he was laying dead on the pitch? (Well that and a red card)

And my personal favorite....a perfect end to the tournament from our man Davey O'Brien....at the start of overtime he tosses this out there for the masses.....

“We’ll stay for both overtimes and penalty kicks”

I really don't have to comment on this do I? Okay I will anyways. It's the biggest game on the F'ing Planet you tool!!! I know only 1 out of 16 people in the U.S. watch the game compared to 1 out of 6 in the rest of the world, but that's approximately 18 million people (based on previous year's data)!!! If you changed it over to the crap-ass Western Cialis Open there would be a riot on your hands.

I can understand messing up Foreign player names, and even trying to bring up political topics to connect with American viewers, but are you that much of an Americanized idiot to think that ABC wouldn't "stick around". Come on.....

More on them later.....read the Slate article above, and post comments please. (P.S.- This would have been up sooner, but I spent an hour trying to find a picture of Dave O'Brien....but to no avail. So I leave you with French Goal Keeper Barthez's nuts. Such a beautiful pose.)

So Big Ben is moving West to Chicago, and I'm still trying to figure out how this happened. I understand that the Pistons gave Wallace the biggest low-ball offer they could have given to the 4-time defensive Player of the Year. But haven't the Pistons been creating cap space for just this moment?

Darko was making 4.1 million per year, and they completed the trade with the Magic just to clear room to resign Ben. So they all of a sudden decide he's not worth it? It makes no sense. So they replace the best defensive player in the league with Nazr Mohammed, and are rumored to be interested in Joel Pryzbilla. Nazr Mohammed is set to make $6 million a year and Pryz is commanding even more than that. Say Pryz gets $7 million....you've just paid two players almost what Wallace will be making at $14 million.

Actually now that I think about it....that might not be a bad plan. Detroit had one of the shortest benches in the East. So much so that the Heat exploited this during the playoffs. Any one dimesional player (especially a defensive one) shouldn't be worth $14 million dollars a year. At the height of Dennis Rodman's career he only made $9 million, and that was for only one year (1997). The very next year he dropped back down to $4.5 million. If Pryzbilla actually gets playing time (unlike in Portland) he could be pretty average offensively, which is light-years better than Wallace. But here's the rub...

No one short of Kevin Garnett can match the energy and intensity of Ben Wallace. They will have to change their entire offense, and run much more. The likes of Sheed and McDyess haven't had to run in years with the slowdown offense being prominent in Motown.

Ben Wallace is also a cult hero in Detroit....long before the Pistons even made the playoffs Detroit Fans were sporting Fros in the stands, and clammoring for the #3 jersey. When they finally won the Championship, and Ben Wallace came out with the Belt around his waist, the Blue Collar city knew they had found their Blue Collar guy.

It's rare that you find someone like this in your orginization. The only thing I can compare it to personally is when the O's lost Mike Mussina to the Yankees. The Yankees paid him $10 million in 2000, and the Orioles then decided to sign the likes of Dave Segui for $7 million in 2001...but that's a completely different story (and one that will send me through the roof). The Kings of the low-ball offer these days are the RedSox....just ask Pedro and Damon. Sometimes you just can't re-create a run in the playoffs or a World Series with guys of equal or even better talent.

So what's the conclusion then? I'm really not sure. But on paper it looks like this:

Miami- New Jersey-
1) Jason Williams 1) Jason Kidd
2) Dwayne Wade 2) Vince Carter
3) Antoine Walker 3) Richard Jefferson
4) Udonis Haslem 4) Josh Boone/Jason Collins
5) Shaq 5) Nenad Krstic

Cleveland- Detroit-
1) Eric Snow 1) Chauncey Billups
2) Larry Hughes 2) Richard Hamilton
3) Lebron James 3) Tayshaun Prince
4) Donyell Marshall 4) Rasheed Wallace
5) Zydrunas Ilgauskas 5) Joel Pryzbilla/Nazr Mohammed

That is the top 4 seeds of last years playoffs, and Detroit looks like the worst now (especially down low) They have no one who can guard Shaq and no help defense on Wade. So Detroit gets worse within those four, but the rest of the East (with the exception of Indiana) is just going to get better. Chicago looks like the 4 seed now. The Wizards might learn how to play Defense to match their 4th best scoring in the league at 101.7 ppg. Boston will be better (as long as Doc doesn't F it up). Milwaukee will be there in the end. Even Charlotte will be better with the young players gaining more experience.

The layback and wait approach will no longer work for the Pistons because their work-horse will be gone. They have zero rebounding, and no bodies down low. There's no time better than now for predicitions, so here's my Eastern Conference Playoffs for 2006-2007:

1) Miami Heat
2) Cleveland Cavaliers
3) New Jersey Nets
4) Chicago Bulls
5) Detroit Pistons
6) Washington Wizards
7) Boston Celtics
8) Milwaukee Bucks

.....that looks like a nightmare for the Pistons if you ask me.

*****UPDATE*****- Pryzbilla has apparently resigned with the TrailBlazers for 5 years $30 million. So much for that plan. But hey, Bonzi Wells is still available. (I hear he's high on their list)

So I'm actually going to be doing "The Man's" Work today. For your viewing and reading pleasure I have provided you with this homework assignment:

First assignment.....Compare and Contrast these two videos. Very similar eh?

Video #1

Video #2

Second assignment......Read these fabulous articles that will make you pee yourself:

The Mighty MJD has an IM conversation on the draft. I do not agree with him on Jay Bilas, but click the links. (Not while you are work though!)

Eddie Griffin was caught in a "not so flattering" situation. I actually saw a car parked in St.Louis once with porn playing, but never while moving. (FYI-Don't yell "Hell Yeah" to anyone in St.Louis....they DO NOT take it as a compliment.)

Off The Baggie shows us what there is to do in the fabulous 39th State of our Union.

The Roscoe Report rounds things out with a beautiful poem from our new friend Andrea. We can only hope he is as good at writing poetry as one Jonathan Clay Redick.

Please review everything above and leave answers in the comment section. THIS ASSIGNMENT WILL BE GRADED!

Have a great 4th. I might be up for some MLB live-blogging, so if you're around stop by.

So with an Announcing troupe as stellar as Dan Patrick, Greg Anthony, Jay Bilas, Stephen A. Smith, Stu Scott, Rachel Nichols, Dickie V, Fran Fraschilla, Steve Jones, and a random Jim Gray you knew I'd have some gems for you today. Here they are Clint Eastwood Style.

The Good:

“Teams in the SEC didn’t even guard him”- Jay Bilas on Rondo.
“Golden State is like a donut. They have everything but that middle”- Greg Anthony, This was a well thought out jab.
“Dan I was sitting in the back listening to your pithy comments waiting for you to say something nice about our draft picks”- Stern to Dan Patrick, Stern is obviously not a fan of the newly Dyed Dan Patrick
“Rodman was 6’9” guarding centers….not 6’6”.”- Greg Anthony in response to Bilas’ comment that Balkman is a Rodman/Artest Type.
“He keeps both teams in the game”- Dan Patrick on Spanish Chocolate
“Looks like Mark Jones just took a charge from a fan”-DP, “Yea, Eminem”-JB on Mark Jones interview with Knicks’ Fans in the crowd., Jay Bilas was on his game...especially when throwing awkward racial comments at Knicks fans.

The Bad:

“What did Simone Augustus tell you about this night?”- Stu Scott to Tyrus Thomas I have no comment for this whatsoever.
“Late Bloomer…wants to be a chef. Well he’s cooking now in the Bay Area”- DP on Patrick O’Bryant. Just terrible.
“Looks to shoot first and pass 3rd, 4th, and 5th.”-JB describing Quincy Douby I've analyzed this one over and over, and I still don't understand what Quincy does 2nd?
“He’s a sleeper”- Spike Lee describing Balkman
“Jordan is most definitely in the decision process.”- Rachel Nichols on Charlotte
“Metallica is coming to ChaTown.”- Stu Scott on Morrison going to Charlotte Where exactly is ChaTown? Please don't let this be a trend like the "Nation" crap. I can't bear anymore Raptors Nation talk.
“It’s gonna be an Awesome Baby Year in the NCAAs. I’ve got to go to bed.”- Dickie V
“Only three teams called his agent.”- Fran Fraschilla on Minnesota’s Loukas Mavrokefalidis
“Isiah is good in the draft I will say THAT much”- SAS, He said this 40 times apparently keeping the door open for Isiah to come back on his show and make fun of Bill Simmons. Speaking of Bill Simmons.....

Side Note: I know I've been ragging on Simmons a lot lately and I think I've had the final straw. A staple every draft has been his Draft Diary, which he is in the tenth year doing. Well if you haven't read it this year....Don't. There is no analysis on the players, zero funny/witty comments, and he weeps through the page about not getting Foye. The thing was a total of nine printed pages in giant ESPN font.....I had 11 pages in 10pt font!?!?! And he's the professional? Riiight....Bill Simmons has officially jumped the shark. Okay rant over....

....and.....drumroll please....The Ugly:

“I haven’t seen him play that much.”- SAS on Rudy Gay Just tell the entire world you're an ass right now. One of the best players in the draft, and you haven't even seen him play?!?! I bet you have great insight on Hotam Yalperin then.
“Randy Foye…raised by his grandmothers. Talk about a difficult situation.”- Dan Patrick This was a very awkward comment at the time because he gave us no background at all.
“It’s like a Lids store at the mall with a 2 for 1 Sale”-JB describing the trades.
“Get your mom game up. I’ll do anything for my children as long as it’s legal.”- Ms. Williams,mom of Marcus Williams.
“They like a lot of what you are saying on the set.”- Rachel Nichols on Adam Morrison. Thanks for YOU'RE opinion Rach.
“He was spotted bagging groceries.”- Dan Patrick on Joel Freeland

....and my personal favorite courtesy of one Rachel Alexander Nichols....
“Why are you here right now?”- Rachel Nichols to the Best Basketball Player of All-time.

Do you even ask that to any athlete? Nevertheless, to His Airness? Seriously, Mike can you get Oak on the phone and call in a hit? As you can probably tell I haven't really liked her up until now, but that's just ridiculous. Another thing that is crazy....She never blinks! Ever! It's crazy....check it out sometime. Welcome to the AA HOF Mrs. Nichols.

Here is the rundown of some of the best comments posted during the draft last night. I appreciate every single one of you for helping me out last night.

We'll do this Dave Letterman style....and links to the sites are embedded in the names. If you get a moment check out some of their postings, as always there is some great stuff out there. The Sports Blogging Community is just amazing to me sometimes. If you posted and your site wasn't linked into your name please feel free to add to the comments section and I will update this posting later in the day. Here we go:

Honorable Mention: Dtoxic said...Speaking of Dicky V, I'm hungry and I want some Digornos. 7:10 PM
Irene Done said...The player of the month in France? Excellent! 9:28 PM In response to my Wizards drafting a foreigner. Just twist the dagger a little more Irene.

10. Mike said...people already booing the knicks, awesome. 7:37PM. Ah yes Mike seemed like a preview of the night at the time, but we had no idea what Zeke had in store for ues.

9. Stuart Scott said...I am an embarrassment to the human race, 7:45 PM. I can't be sure if this is the real Stu Scott or not. I guess we'll never know.

8. Mini Me said...Umm Awfulannoucner we need to have a talk...your profile says one of your favorite movies is Major League III. Can this possibly be true?, 7:12 PM. No Comment, but I will say this....any movie that has Scott Bakula, Corbin Bernsen, Dennis Haysbert, and Ted McGinley in it can't be that bad, can it? Umm no? Okaaaay, moving on....

7. Irene Done said...You know that scene toward the end of Moonstruck where the grandfather is crying because he's so confused? That's me after all these trades. Welcome to Dallas Mr Ager.
11:26 PM. Thanks for diffusing the Major League 3 reference with a Moonstruck reference. Only the draft could bring out comments like this.

6. Claude said...Fantastic rundown. Great job! I've noticed that if you aren't carefully listening to JB (Jay Bilas), everything he says seems intelligent and authoritative, and you'll find yourself nodding your head in a trance of agreement. Only when really thinking about what he is saying does one realize about half his comments are utterly nonsensical and/or completely contradicting prior statements. And that's why I love him. 2:23 AM. Me too Claude....Me too

5. Spirit of Jack Morris said...Very well done my friend...And yes, Typing for 5 hours is surprisingly exhausting...Now beer me!!! Nothing out of the ordinary except that this came into my email box at 5:15am! Too funny.

4. Tom said...Bargnani won me over with this statement explaining why the New Yorkers were booing him."I from Europe." 7:47 PM. Welcome to the Marketing Juggernaut that IS the Toronto Raptors....let's see you make this one sell Colangelo.

3. Tom said...The one rule of the NBA draft: White players must be compared to white players, even if unfairly so. 7:11 PM. So very true, perfect example on ESPN.com "If Jake Voskuhl can make it in the NBA, Paul Davis should be able to as well."

2. Tom said...Rachel Nichols is reporting from a mall, judging by the sound. 7:14 PM.
Irene Done said...And Dickie V is reporting from a whorehouse, judging by the curtain.
7:20 PM. Great reader banter there. The echo in the place was very eerie. But then again a peck like Rachel Nichols needs all the help she can get.

1. Tom said...Dan Patrick assumes that because Dick Vitale's name ends with a vowel, that he must be a Bargnani fan. That's like assuming all Jetta owners love hiking. 7:23 PM. Tom came fast and furious with the comments, and then disappeared into the night. I'm pretty sure he was busy writing Haikus.

(Thanks again everyone.)