Pink Has A Job?
Thursday, September 14, 2006
I've waited a little while to comment on this....but I truly wasn't aware Pink was still alive. Now we are all aware that music choice for games and intros is always suspect (I feel like my father is in the board meeting, and he's insisting on Three Dog Night as the opening act), but seriously since when have Pink and P-Diddy been relevant?
I'm not as much "up on the times" as I used to be, but I consider myself a pretty knowledgeable authority on Pop music. So I have a few questions/statements for NBC....you never know who's reading right?
1. In the funny, but true category.....I looked up Pink's last album and it was entitled "I'm Not Dead"...how about that for coincidence. But seriously NBC.....when someone has to name their album that.....you might not want to hire them (even if they do come at a discount).
2. Pink called out Britney and Christina in her "Stupid Girls" video (interestingly right before she fell off the face of the earth). Do you know how many albums Pink has sold since her Album debuted in April? 475,570....not bad right? Mrs. Aguilera had 346,000.....in her first week!!! Damn, she IS stupid.
3. The only reason anyone knows who P-Diddy is anymore is because of that Making the Band show on MTV....which is HORRIBLE! Are you trying to revive people's careers now?
4. (Unfortunately) I know a little bit about Country Music (I equate that to living in Virginia). The Rascal Flats are huge.....actually gigantic. "Me and My Gang" came out the same month as Pink's album and is 2x Platinum. There's one song from the album that they play across all radio stations in Virginia....you've probably heard it. It's that sappy "What Huuuuuurts the Mooooost......was beeeeeeing sooooooo clooooooose." Well is that the song NBC has them play??? Nope....another good choice.
5. F-you NBC for making me do 30 minutes of Billboard Research on Christina Aguilera, Pink, P-Diddy, and The Rascal Flats.
______
(As much as it pains me to say this) I feel a little like Bill Simmons here, but can we get some advisors or something to do these intros and musical montages? I mean 9 times out of 10 it's U2 anyways......just hire me for that one time.
Ahh, what am I saying?.....I'd probably personally sabotage the montage by playing "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder, during a Tom Brady Piece, within the Week 3 Broncos/Patriots matchup. Screw it NBC stick with Pink (as you can see below.....SHE ROCKS!)
The (Mr. & Mrs.) Simmons Review- V.10
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Well we've made it to #10, and the World Wide Leader hasn't shut us down yet. Some people have wrote in expressing their displeasure with my portrayal of Simmons....you know sticking up for "Their Guy".....and I can understand that. But just so we're on the same page here.....Recap: I don't hate Simmons. I loved him at one point, and I think he's mailing it in now (See This Weeks Article. It's his diary from SuperBowl XXXIX....you know the one two years ago. Enjoy it...I'm not re-reading it.)
Well #10 is on the Guy vs. Gal article this past week.
It's a picks article, which come every Friday during the football season, but it has a new wrinkle. A mailbag combined with the Sports Gal's picks! (Fun times I hope she kills him). She also gets a 200 word or so paragraph to write on anything she wants. Not a bad idea I might say. Let's get into this.....
Quick story: When I sat down to watch last night's game, after enduring the excruciating pregame show that featured P Diddy, Rascal Flatts, Pink, some Madden highlights and a nearly orgasmic Rich Eisen (where the hell was the football talk?), the Sports Gal asked me which team I picked. After I told her Miami, she glanced at the TV and shook her head. "Isn't the game in Pittsburgh?""Yeah."
"Why would you pick against a team that just won the Super Bowl? Won't the crowd be really excited?"
"Well, yeah. But ..."
"No wonder your picks stink. Pittsburgh's gonna win."
Just like that, she walked away. And she turned out to be right.
(and so it begins......)
Q: I should have known your NFL preview would have read like this: "Blah blah blah, New England (without a single NFL caliber receiver) will win 10+ games. Blah blah blah, I love Tom Brady. Blah blah blah, New England will win the Super Bowl."Actually that would have been damn funny. I think if you're going to mail it in then you should go all the way with it.
--Brian, New York, N.Y.SG: Now I'm kicking myself -- that's what I should have written! Would have saved me two full days and 5,000 words of writing. Damn. Maybe next year.
Q: Has anyone, as far as you know, given thought to why the NFL teams that play on Thanksgiving don't save a bye for the Sunday before Thanksgiving? It seems like that would be the smart thing to do, but nobody ever does it.I may be wrong here, but NFL teams don't have a say in what their bye week is do they? Why would he even answer this question?
-- Cindi, Wethersfield, Conn.SG: Come on, Cindi, that's way too logical. This is the same league where a coach can't get a referee's attention to challenge a touchdown unless he sprints onto the field and whips the red flag at him like Miggs flinging his body fluids at Clarice Starling's face. A bye before a Thanksgiving game could never fly.
Q: I just picked up the "Madden NFL 07" Hall of Fame edition which has John Madden on the cover again. Now that the curse is official, is he immune since he was on previous covers before, or will he mistake his microphone for a turkey leg in November and be out for the rest of the season?I agree wholeheartedly with that statement. The worst is when a receiver is clearly out, but somehow the computer thinks they got that floating phantom foot down. Also, the HOF version is a complete ripoff. $10 extra dollars for a DVD.....but guess who bought it???? Me Baby.....Me.
--Joe Schultz, Tucson, Ariz.SG: I'm leaning toward the latter. By the way, is there anything more frustrating than challenging a call in "Madden," watching the replay, seeing that you were clearly right to challenge the call ... and then the ref runs out on the field and announces, "The call on the field stands"? You can't complain, you can't bitch to anyone, you just have to sit there and grit your teeth. Drives me crazy. (By the way, I graduated from college 14 years ago.)
Q: Nice "thumbs up/thumbs down" article. Maybe for your next one you could do a "cheers" and "jeers" feature. Dork.Umm, riiiight. And this is coming from the same guy that posts on SOSH? That comeback was weaker than Nicole Richie's left arm. But then again I am spending about 30 minutes doing the same thing, so there's not a chance I'm not sticking up for my boy Marco. (P.S.- Marco's right.)
--Marco Ruffini, ChicagoSG: Wait, you just took two minutes out of your life to fill out an internet form so you could try to insult some random Internet columnist ... and I'm a dork?
Onto the Picks.....and I will not make fun of these because I wasn't much better this past weekend.
Sports Guy: Miami L, Bills +9.5 W, Bucs -3 L, Titans -2.5 L, Rams +4 W, Browns -3 L, Lions +6 W, Chiefs -2.5 L, Eagles -5.5 W, Falcons +6 W, Cowboys +2.5 L, Cards -7.5 L, Packers +3.5 L, Giants +3.5 L, Vikings +5 W, Chargers -3 W
Total: 7-9
I was talking about football announcers with my buddy House last night after a three-hour game in which Madden and Michaels didn't offer one critical comment beyond, "I'm not sure I would have gone for it there on fourth down." House watches college football and claims that the announcers are 100 times worse, which I find hard to believe. But we got to talking about Kornheiser, and here's the thing: This HAS to work. He's our only hope. If he doesn't bring up salient questions, offer critical remarks, inject some personality and move a formulaic, cliché-ridden, punchless profession into an entirely different direction, you know who ends up losing in the long run? Us. That's who. Anyway, that's why I'm rooting for Tony to succeed. Same for House.The Sports Gal Section: Pittsburgh W, Denver L, N.Y. Jets W, New England L, Baltimore W, Kansas City L, Seattle L, Atlanta W, Houston L, New Orleans W, Dallas L, Green Bay W, Arizona L, N.Y. Giants L, Washington L and Oakland L.
(Hmm, I'd agree with that for the most part, but the college thing is just a dumb thing to say. Most college announcers are just starting out, so they would be inheriently worse. But I don't think you can discriminate when you make fun.)
Total: 5-11
There's a new commercial where Lindsay Lohan claims that she uses Proactiv a few times a week for healthy skin. This made me laugh because she lives at the Chateau Marmont and probably gets a facial and massage every other day. Also, this girl can't even show up on a movie set on time, now I'm supposed to believe she remembers to take her Proactiv every day? I don't think anyone who's famous or wealthy should be able to go on TV and endorse skin products unless they divulge the other "keys" to their beauty routine, like acne extractions every week, microderm abrasion two times a month, two facials a week and La Mer moisturizing products at $200 a pop. These celebrities spend at least $2,000 a month keeping their skin "healthy." In Lindsay's case, she's a chain-smoking, club-hopping tramp who spends her spare time getting tanning sessions, shopping and forgetting to eat. She's going to look like a leather purse in 25 years no matter how much Proactiv she takes. She should have to mention that too. I hate that commercial.
(I agree 100%. F, Lindsay Lohan and her side boob. No seriously, that was actually pretty good. I'm impressed by SGal.)
Grading:
Just an average showing from Simmons, but I'm giving the SG the win today. See 200 words of thoughtfulness beats out 3,000 of nonsense anyday (now if only I could abide by those rules). SGal loses some points for the picks, but it's her first try and she's only down two. Simmons is also going to be on The Colbert Report this Thursday night.....back Friday with another Review. (Oh and since it's football we're changing the rings to the Patriots.)
SG: 2.5 out of 5
SGal: 4 (Kate Spade Purses) out of 5
Everything is Right in the World
Ahh, now everything is back to normal....After the depression of Monday Night has worn off I now have a renewed sense of animosity. Here are some great stories that I found today as we return to normal. (Back Later with a Simmons Review and he better hope it's good because I'm feeling frisky today)
ESPN.com- Yea I know I said I wouldn't go back to the site, but it's like crack at this point. Check out this story on the Northern Colorado backup punter. Too funny......he's a punter.
Yahoo!-Britney Spears gives birth to another boy. God hates that kid.
CBS Sportsline- Rocky is back where he belongs. "Yo, Philly! How ya Doin?!?"- Sylvester Stallone
MNF, Tomkat, Some Flags, and a Loss
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
First off, a ton of thanks to Stan from Gentrifried Rice. Stan has a permanent hall pass here at AA for doing a stellar job last night. (I personally liked the cheerleader occupation piece. Good stuff.)
Also, thanks for the comments last night readers. I'm updating my links sometime this week (hopefully), and you will have a permanent spot in my sidebar.....
Onto the game.....Okay that game wasn't that bad, but it sucks when you buy 3rd Row seats to a MNF game (an opener) and your team loses. They could have won that game easily, but just like every other team in the NFL Week 1, they had no red-zone offense. Ah well it's just a game, and I got to see TOMKAT FROM 10 FEET AWAY!!! (Seriously, Dan Snyder....Danny Boy....You have too much money.) Here are some pics......back later today or tomorrow with a Simmons Review (apparently he had the same link I did as well....hmmm. I'll have to check the times on the posts.)
(90,000+ Flags Delivered to FedEx.....it was called the "Fedex Special Delivery". Seriously, I'm not kidding about that.)
(This was during the Redskins' introductions. Third Row isn't always a good thing with 90,000+ American Flags. But hey, who am I to complain?)
(The Funky Four doing their thang. If you don't know about the Funky Four....you betta axe somebody!)
Skins! Vikes! Liveblogging! Catch the Fever!
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sorry about the late start, people. (Anyone here?) I'll be up and running in two seconds.
[Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I'm Stan, I blog here. I'll be your cruise director tonight.]
-----
"Let the new era begin!" - Mike Tirico
...and we have an injury on the kickoff.
An inauspicious beginning, no? Anyway, ESPN has MNF now (you'd think they would have advertised it a little bit or something) and they're hoping that all the preseason jitters have disappeared for their vaunted triangle offense--It's Tirico as the straight man! Introducing Tony Kornheiser as the color guy! With Joe Theisman as the retard!
I wouldn't normally resort to name-calling, but I had to work that link in there somehow. And say what you will about Theisman... at least ESPN didn't bring Paul Maguire along for the ride. It says something about that old Sunday night threesome that the suits at the WWL thought, "That Theisman kid... he's a keeper."
Anyway, that's enough for the intro. For fuck's sake, someone's already scored in this game. Tony's smiling, the Skins have the ball. Let's get this shit started.
---
7:29pm - In a new twist on a tired device, MNFONESPN has one player introducing their teammates. Sound like a disaster? It, surprisingly, works better than I would have thought. At least it beats Lavar Arrington inexplicably telling us that he's "Mr. Nichols from the School of Hard Knocks."
7:33pm - There's been some talk about how Brad Childress is really trying to help the Vikings get past their scandal-ridden year. As such, FS Dwight Smith is inactive tonight due to "indecent conduct." Yep. Get caught having sex in a stairwell? That's a game, buddy! Wanna try me? I'll make it two! Also, love this note from the news item: "Rookie Greg Blue, a fifth-round draft choice from Georgia, will start in Smith's place at free safety." If the WWL won't make a joke about Smith getting blue-balled, then I'll try to refrain as well.
7:39pm - By the way, my buddy Aaron informs me that this is not an HD camera-friendly crew. But I'd bet my life that Michelle Tafoya looks better in HD tonight than Andrea Kremer did in standard def. last night. Yikes.
7:44pm - I should mention that the Skins scored on that last drive. 6-3 Vikings. I'm new to this liveblogging thing. I'll get into a rhythm soon. In fact... Kornheiser! I'll race you!
7:46pm - Kornheiser points out that there were about sixty QBs taken in front of Brad Johnson in the 92 draft. Anyone think that the Raiders were looking at that list and thinking, "Hmm.... what's Tommy Maddox up to?"
7:51pm - Brad Johnson tosses an absolute bomb to Troy Williamson, who somehow fails to catch it. Seriously, it's like Johnson hit him in the numbers from behind.
7:59pm - Shot of Tom Cruise sitting in Daniel Snyder's luxury box. Theisman adds, "KATIEHOLMESISWITHTHEM" like a twelve-year-old girl. No word on whether their Asian baby is there as well. Hopefully ESPN is readying a "Minority Report" graphic in case that happens.
8:02pm - "It's worth the price of admission. That one return... is what it's all about" - Joe Theisman. Yahoo! Gamecast has Randle El's punt return at 12 yards. That's what it's all about.
8:05pm - Jamie Foxx is in the booth. The big question is: where's Mario Lopez? ESPN Hollywood has legs!
8:08pm - It's worth noting that this kind of shit (see: Kornheiser asking Jamie Foxx about Tom Cruise) would generally only fly in the fourth quarter of a game that's been long-wrapped up... or say the ninth inning of a baseball game where the commentators have run out of shit to say. But not at ESPN, suckers. It's a new era. Did I mention that MNF is on ESPN now?
8:09pm - It's also worth noting that I need Santana Moss to have a big game in order to win my fantasy football match-up this week. Like 2-TD big.
8:11pm - Speaking of fantasy football... you know how most people set their rosters knowing that Clinton Portis would be out of action today? TD for Janky Spanky. 10-6 Skins.
8:15pm - "Oh, Daniel Snyder will give you money. Tell him that you're eligible and he'll give you money." - Kornheiser, to Jamie Foxx. I'm not sure, but did he just call Jamie Foxx a whore?
8:17pm - Ralph Maccio is in a new movie. This will not necessitate commentary from me.
8:21pm - Theisman confirms that the hardest thing for a young QB to "get out" is "the verbage." Second hardest? Getting the bones out of your leg, obviously.
8:23pm - Interesting sign from a fan: "DEE-FENSE". It's the obvious choice for anyone who thinks "D-Fense" doesn't fill up a sign enough and "Defense" is just too accurately spelled to intimidate visiting offenses.
8:26pm - Theisman mentions that we haven't seen Brandon Lloyd in the game yet. Happy to be out of San Francisco, are ya Brandon? Best of luck on the sideline. [I suppose this is a good time to disclose that I'm a Niner fan.]
8:30pm - Fantasy stalwart Santana Moss almost has a big catch called back, but it's ruled that he was pushed out of bounds. To remind you of the rules, you're not allowed to touch balls once you've been on the sideline. In retrospect, this excuse coulda been an easy out for Suzy Kolber, no?
8:34pm - Santana. You gotta hold on to that shit. Not just for you. Not just for your team. But my team. My fantasy team. I'm down by 10.
8:35pm - Darren Sharper, now available in burrito form.
8:37pm - By the way, the Skins had to settle for a FG. They're up 13-6 now, which is somewhat surprising given the relative ease with which the Vikings scored that first TD.
8:42pm - There's no way in hell I'm liveblogging the halftime show. I, for one, don't need Chris Berman to reflect on 9/11 for me.
8:50pm - They just kicked it over to the other MNF crew to plug the next game. Jaws: "31! 37! 28!" (LDT's carries in his three games in Oakland). Nessler: "Those are pretty good measurements, actually." And I thought Tirico was a dog.
9:05pm - If you think about it some more, 31-37-28 would be pretty freakish.
9:07pm - I've been trying to talk about announcing, given that this site is called "Awful Announcing." One of my big pet peeves about football commentary is this: "You talk about..." As in, "You talk about a tough guy at the line of scrimmage" or "You talk about a guy who commands a huddle." At this point, I think the "You talk about" count is at about fifteen, and the third quarter just started.
9:09pm - Another bomb from Johnson. Caught by Marcus Robinson. 17-9 Vikings.
9:12pm - Tirico just scolded Kornheiser for plugging his daughter's company. Amateur Hour on the Worldwide Leader.
9:13pm - I think these Nike "Briscoe High" commercials are pretty well done, but I really don't think a high school team that starts LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Vick would need to rely on trick plays to win games.
9:16pm - Anyone else notice that Kornheiser has really toned it down tonight? I'd really like to see him provoke Theisman some more, but I was the asshole kid who fried ants with a magnifying glass.
9:21pm - Tirico: "When you see two 27-yard field goals and one 22-yard attempt, you know that says two things--good red zone defense and missed red zone opportunities." Remember, folks, keep it tuned to ESPN for the latest in breaking news and biting sports analysis. Seriously, this analysis bites.
9:26pm - I checked to see if I could find that one cheerleader they just showed before they went to commercial, but why bother linking to just one? LINK TO CHEERLEADERS. I love that their squad has a "Crystal B." and a "Crystal H." Not to mention a "Tiffani" and a "Tiffany." And a "Chastity" and a "Ginger." The Redskins roster is one "Amber" short of opening a Cheetah's.
9:33pm - That Redskins fan was waving around a yellow towel. I mean, I'm a Charlie Batch fan too, but I wouldn't wave that shit around at a Niner game.
9:35pm - From the comments, Jay writes, "And, I love how so many of them claim to be a "student". Probably pre-law like most the strippers I've met. I blieve them too." Here are my favorites from the Redskins roster: Kimberly, IT Program Manager. Lauren, Neurotherapist. Shaina, Risk Management Consultant. Ginger, Third-grade Teacher.
9:41pm - Tirico: "Fred Smoot smelled it out." I got nothing, guys. Write your own jokes.
9:42pm - Big ups to Kornheiser for bringing up the sex boat. It'd be really easy for them to gloss over shit like that, cause... well.... that's what ESPN does.
9:45pm - Looks like the Vikings are out of the danger zone, but I need to talk about this anyway. Is there anything dorkier in football than a defense's celebration after a safety?
9:56pm - You talk about an announcing crew that can make a tied game boring.
9:58pm - See, this is why you need three top-notch guys in the booth. Tirico: "At 6'5", he can jump up almost eight feet and make those kinds of plays." Theisman: "See, Tony, you don't need seven footers! We were talking about that earlier." Kornheiser: "But he's 6'5"." Quality you can taste.
10:04pm - Sean Taylor has just been penalized for the 105th time tonight. Class act, that guy.
10:08pm - I'd be perfectly happy with this game ending in a tie.
10:12pm - UPDATE: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes prefer the pinky-hold to the full hand clasp.
10:13pm - Minnesota was awfully nonchalant about taking time off the clock with some short runs in the red zone. Now they're settling for a field goal. If I were a betting man (and I am), I'd bet good money (which I don't have) that the Redskins come back to win this thing in the next minute and a half. IN FACT, they won two or three games that way last year, did they not? Bombs to Santana Moss? Yes. Yes, I believe that happened. Anyway, watch for it.
10:16pm - By the way, that field goal made it 19-16 Vikings.
10:19pm - Wide right. Shoulda gone deep to Santana, fuckers. Final score: 19-16 Vikings.
---
Hey guys, it's been a blast. I'm not sticking around to do the second game. Thanks for reading and commenting. Enjoy the Chargers and Raiders! Oh yeah, and remember... Brad Nessler likes em top heavy.
Monday Night Football Opener- Live Blog
Join our friend Stan from Gentrified Rice for a live-blogging good time tonight. I'll be tailgaiting at 3 or so and then the game after. See you tommorrow. Enjoy.
