Friday, September 29, 2006

So if anyone has ESPN U....boy oh boy, you get a treat tonight! You get to see the High School from MTV's Two-A-Days, Hoover High (Alabama) Ranked #1 (seen below), take on John Curtis (Louisiana) Ranked #11.

Game of the week: No. 1 Hoover (Ala.) faces its toughest regular-season test Friday when No. 11 John Curtis (River Ridge, La.) visits Metropolitan Stadium. The game is on ESPNU at 8 p.m. ET. Curtis, Louisiana's top-ranked Class 2A team, has won 20 state titles, including the last two. RB Joe McKnight has rushed for 232 yards and five TDs on nine carries, averaging 25.8 yards a carry. Hoover averages more than 40 points.
All the players from the show are gone except Ross Wilson the Quarterback, but you can get an early view of the players I'm sure you'll be watching in next season's Two-a-Days. As far as the show it's pretty much a farce. Coach Probst keeps trying to motivate these kids by threatening that they won't get to play in college......well, they don't. The only player to get a scholarship was Max Lerner #24 who is playing for 1-AA Furman. My boy, Repete #91, walked on to Auburn, but then quit the team. He says he will walk-on again next year. And the main star Alex Binder??? You can read about where he went in my closing joke at the bottom.

The 2007 senior football class, on the other hand, is considered by some recruiters to be superior to the 2006 class portrayed in the series, with wide receiver Brandon Clear, guard Patrick Crump, center Ryan Pugh, defensive end Byron Clear, and defensive tackles Josh Chapman and Kerry Murphy all considered legitimate Division I prospects. (Wikipedia)

Pressure! Pain! Heartache! ESPN! My favorite quote comes from the chick dating Alex halfway through...."I think we were meant to find each other as weird as it is." Yeah, I'm sure he's thinking the same thing as he bangs Co-eds at Bevill State Community College. Go Bears!

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 12:44 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

MNF Memories

Remember when MNF was good and Al, Dan, and Dennis were in the booth? (I hope you know I'm kidding)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 9:24 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Dude Where's My Helmet?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

ESPN Exec #1- So who are you thinking about picking up the helmet this week? We had Arnold for the game in California.
ESPN Exec #2- Yeah that made sense....and we had Eva Longoria last week for the game in Jacksonville. That made less sense, but she's on an affiliate of ours so people let it slide.
ESPN Exec #1- Yeah they did. Well for this one we'll need to get someone dynamic because of the impact of this game and the rebuilding after Hurricane Katrina.
ESPN Exec #3- Hey, I couldn't help overhear you guys talking about the helmet thing. I hear all the time about this kid named Aston Kutchard or something. My daughter loves him! Anyways, he's popular right now because of this TV show on the Music Television called Punk'd
ESPN Exec #s 1 & 2- Perfect! Call him up!

(ESPN is so in touch with the youth of today. Nothing says rebirth and rebuilt like Ashton Mutha F'ing Kutcher)

Odds for next week: Terrell Owens 1000-1, Sylvester Stallone 25-1, Will Smith 10-1, and Stephen A. Smith 2-1

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:46 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The Post Where I Tell You That You Were Right

Moving off of the Simmons discussion.....

Ask anyone close to me and they'll tell you that I never admit when I'm wrong. Never. But I am today (and this will be the only time). I made it through an entire Tuesday Morning Quarterback and I was surprisingly entertained (even though I still think the name of it is cheesy). So color me "behind the times" as I was unaware of this weekly column. I honestly thought it was similar to UniWatch, which I could care less about. Here are the highlights from It Doesn't Pay to Punt:


Stats of the Week No. 10 : The Saints are 3-0 for the first time since 1842.
Considering 1869......Rutgers and Princeton played a college soccer football game, the first ever, November 6. The game used modified London Football Association rules. During the next seven years, rugby gained favor with the major eastern schools over soccer, and modern football began to develop from rugby. The actual NFL wasn't formed until 1920.... It would lead me to believe that he meant 1942, but I could be wrong (just a typo though so no big deal, and if it's a joke that I don't get let me know)

Great Points:
Favre Moratorium Call Renewed: It's good that the storied Green Bay Packers have a W. But midway through their game this Sunday, after completing a routine pass for a first down, Brett Favre jumped into the air and began pumping his fists as if he'd just won the Super Bowl. A year ago, Tuesday Morning Quarterback proposed a moratorium on press coverage of Favre, who's a first-ballot Hall of Famer but at this point ridiculously over-emphasized by the sports media. Any other player who jumped into the air and celebrated wildly after a routine completion would be mocked. The standards that apply to everyone else should also apply to Favre.
I watched a good chunk of this game and I couldn't agree more. I argue that there isn't a more overhyped athlete in all of sports.

Please, Announcers, Learn the Distinction Between an End-Around and a Reverse:
Watching a highlight of receiver Marty Booker of Miami running against Tennessee, novice sportscaster Jerome Bettis exclaimed, "Reverse!" It was an end-around, not a reverse: Daunte Culpepper faked up the middle, then handed off to Booker coming around. The ball never changed direction. Announcers, here's the easy way to tell if it's a reverse: count handoffs. An end-around requires one handoff. A reverse requires two handoffs, one to make the ball go in Direction A, another to make it go in Direction B. The very rare double reverse requires three handoffs, so the ball ends up going back in Direction A.

Last night my TMQ e-mail box got more than 400 messages from people watching "Monday Night Football," as the United States Saints ran a reverse and the MNF crew called it a double reverse. Drew Brees faked up the middle, then handed to Reggie Bush running left; Bush handed to Devery Henderson running right for the touchdown. That's one change of direction (Bush handing to Henderson), making it a reverse. Count the handoffs: two handoffs mean the play is a reverse. For the play to have been a double reverse, a third handoff would have been needed, from Henderson to someone running left, Bush's original direction. Danny Chamberlin of Memphis, Tennessee was among many readers to point out that Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser erroneously described the play as a "double reverse," while former quarterback Joe Theismann correctly described it as a "reverse." Mike and Tony, you're not alone. Adele Stannard of Springfield, Ore., noted that even the official Game Book erroneously describes the play thusly: "Double-reverse handoff Brees, D. to Bush, R. to Henderson, D." Hey official Game Book, that's two handoffs and thus cannot be a double reverse! See the entry at 3:04 of the first quarter.
Great Great Great Point. I've being yelling at people for years about this.

This article was a little less than my first read (9,000 down to 7,000), so it was tolerable and I didn't really get bored with it (much like I do with someone else's). I could probably do without all of the womanizing stuff (Hottest Cheerleader, etc.), but I recommend it if you haven't read it before.

As far as the subject of my ire now.....Robert "Scoop" Jackson. I really cannot think of anyone who is less informed than Scoop. He makes the largest generalizations ever and talks in such hyperbole that it's unbearable.

Well I noticed this site... Scoopwatch. They started up this September and I think I will leave the Scoop-bashing to them (they are doing an awesome job) and find someone else to pick on (and I think I have....more on that tomorrow).
I'll be back later with a small rant on the Monday Night Football Intro (F'ing Ashton Kutcher!).

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 1:46 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Bill "I'm So F'ing Hollywood" Simmons

Okay so last night I read through some of the other online stuff, and was going to not post anything today, but I woke up with a killer leg cramp this morning at 5am and I'm ticked off. So I (re)read everything again including the Chat, and I have some comments. But before we get into them I want to ask a couple of questions directly to SG (All questions addressed to Bill. Feel free to answer them Bill if you reading).

  1. You made a career making "snarky" comments but when they start being about your egotistical ass they become a problem? Get over yourself.
  2. You make fun of Tony K for repeating a fantasy football joke over and over, but isn't that your whole shtick? Or are you just jealous of him now?
  3. Are you trying to go out in some sort of blaze of glory, and alienate every fan you've ever had?
  4. As far as Whitlock "venting to a blog" haven't you done this thousands of times? I.E.- The Sports Stool, Sons of Sam Horn.
  5. Why do you think you are so Hollywood now? You couldn't hack it on the Jimmy Kimmel show....your book sucked (and your re-releasing it?)....and your boy Paul Shirley got the pilot that you so desperately wanted. Again, Get over yourself.
I'm not going to post any of the comments.....the one I posted before should suffice (If you don't have Insider I can cut and paste the chat to you...just email me.). But I am going to comment on the overall sentiment of his chat.

Bill is the self-proclaimed "Sports Guy", and for the longest time the moniker worked. He started his own site (much like I'm doing), bitched about stuff (much like all sites do), and ended up succeeding in turning that into a career. Well somewhere along the way he lost that title, and he lost my (and many other's) respect.

I've always lived by the principle that "The same people that you meet on the way up, are the same ones you meet on the way down", and that's the reason that everyone who comes to this site big or small will always have a link in the sidebar. I know Will at Deadspin can't or won't comment on Simmons (you might want to distance yourself now), but Will is the epitome of this credo. Same with Jamie at Mister Irrelevant. Both are pretty big in the Sports industry and both take the time to help us smaller sites out daily. Jamie is a TV personality (Cold Pizza/Fanhouse) now and routinely sets up happy hours for us DC Bloggers to meet and greet at. The Sports Blogging Community (Army) is actually pretty damn amazing. And if you, Bill, or any writer thinks that you are immune, or that you can stop the snowball, I think you will find you'll be sadly mistaken.

Anyways (sorry for the tangent), here's the main thing I've been trying to get across for months. From the very first post on Simmons (here) I have stated that I (and I think most of us) have put him up on this pedestal and it was time to call him out for "changing" on us. I wanted him to be the "Sports Guy" again. Well I think we got our question out there, and I think we got our answer. He's the smarmy dick we always thought he was in the back of our minds. He doesn't care about anyone but he's pseudo egotistical self, and at least now we know we can just make fun of him.

That's all I really want to say about him. The chat pissed me off like it did you, but what are you going to do? Oh yeah....That's right! Write even more smarmy and hateful comments....because that's what us blogs do.

Here's your list of Simmons Bashers from their stuff, but remember that AA has been on this for months (and is kind enough to link): The Big Lead, KSK

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 11:14 AM 4 Comments Links to this post

T.O. Did Not Commit Suicide

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

But he's still a dick.

As far as the Bill Simmons' Chat....there's really only one response to post.

Josh (Indy): What happened to your old intern, Kevin Cott?

SportsNation Bill Simmons: He graduated from law school and just took the bar... I am trying to get him to start his own sports blog. I have this great idea for him - instead of writing columns and testing the limits of his talents, he can just sit back and post snarky comments all day about other people's columns. I think this could work.

Oh he's aware....he's aware. Does testing the limits of your talents involve a game of mad libs? Or going through older Mad Libs changing a few nouns and verbs and sending them out to the masses? It does?!?! Okay then, tomorrow I'm starting the Skip Bayless posts all over again.

"You're a public figure. When you screw up, people are going to write about it. Get over yourself." - Bill Simmons, Jan. 17th 2006

Anyways, today was a crazy day. Back tomorrow with some fresh meat: Tuesday Morning Quarterback (okay will only hear this once.....are you ready??? You were right....his column is pretty good if you have 4 hours to kill) and Scoop Jackson (It's okay that I make fun of Scoop Jackson right? Good.).

(Update: The title of this post should actually read T.O. Did Not Attempt Suicide. I think it's actually more funny this way though.)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:52 PM 6 Comments Links to this post

The Simmons Review- V.14, I Dream of Billy

Okay so I wasn't going to do one of these this week, but after last night I am compelled to. I (your humble host of all things awful) had a dream about Bill Simmons last night. No this isn't a joke or anything I've made up.....I had a dream about the Sports Guy last night.

The Dream: I am sneaking into this Bill Simmons Fantasy Boot Camp to write a piece for the site. Well we are outside what I can only assume is his parent's house in Massachusetts and he's yelling at us "bloggers" (I used a fake blog to get in) drill sergeant style. It's a stay over camp and I'm staying in a tent in his backyard. Well, we each get one on one time with Bill and as he's "critiquing" my blog he shows me a newspaper clipping and points to a quote that reads "Is there something you'd like to admit?". I say no and we begin to walk towards the door. I stop him and say...."Okay you're right. It's me. I'm Awful Announcing." Bill replies, "Yes, I know" and gives me a speech about not picking on people and then invites me to his wedding.

We head to the wedding where I meet J-Bug who looks like he wants to beat me up (in fact he looks a lot like Sean Astin). Well we're at the reception where I meet the best man....none other than one William Zabka. F'ing awesome! Well the dream ends as I'm sneaking around his parent's house looking for damning evidence that he was once a Kansas City Royals fan or something.

I wake up and I'm wearing a Kevin Youklis jersey and scream into the early morning, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The End.
So there you have it. That's my dream in a nutshell....onto the review. Living In Daunte's Inferno

Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke....Recycled Culpepper joke.

Tuck Rule, Tuck Rule, Tuck Rule.

Now the only real beef (besides that it sucked) I have with the article is that his statistics are all f'ed up again. He says,
"Cunningham had four good seasons, peaked as a runner in '91 (118 carries, 942 yards, 11 TDs), blew out his knee the following season and was never the same."
Well SG, Cunningham's knee was blown out in 1991, so how did he get all of those rushing yards? Oh was in 1990. Good fact checking Billy.

Your current standings: SG, This week: 8-4-2. SGal, This week: 8-4-2.....Season Leader SGal

Grading: Sports Guy (1.5 out of 5) Sports Gal (3 out of 5) My Dream (5 out of 5)

I also have a mission today. Bill will be chatting in SN today, and I must get a question about my dream answered! Simmons Chat

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 10:07 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

MNF Football Week 3 Recap- Announcing

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

One of the best, or most entertaining, announcing jobs I've witnessed in a while. But the ESPN production again was plain awful. The fact that they had Ashton Kutcher pick up the helmet before the game was an insult, and they had 18 different employees on camera at one point in the game.

As far as the booth....I keep going back and forth on Tony K.......right now he's past the 50 yard line (probably to about the opponents 39 yard line. Good analogy I know). But I can't say whether Joe Theeeeesmann is killing them in these broadcasts, or adding to the overall experience. Color me confused....anyways here were my favorites (most from Joe).

"The toughest part was to scrub away the cess pool of human misery."- Mark Schwartz
I don't even think the devil should be allowed to say that.

"Scott Fujita- The Asian Assassin"- Mike McKenzie
No joke....I've been calling him that in Madden for 5 years now.

"Mike is close on him. This is snuggling."-JT

"The Safties know that Vick Loves Crumpler"- MT
"AND the Saints know he likes Crumpler"- JT
This is classic Joe right here.

"This turf is going to be a problem all night. This turf is going to make receivers run with their bodies over their legs."- JT
This was the running theme of the night for Joe. Tony kept trying to give him a chance to redeem himself, but of course, he had no idea what he was talking about.

"Reggie is the guy who can draw attention and you can't forget about Ernie Cromwell"- JT, JT first off it's Conwell, and second I didn't even see him in the game.

"When the flag was thrown he must have seen something to take it out of his pants."- JT
"Hahahahahaha......that's a no commenter for me"- TK
"Tony sometimes it's like having a little kid in here"- MT
Just the epitome of great exchanges. In fact I think this is the only time a three person booth has ever succeeded in having all three parties involved say something funny.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:44 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

MNF Football Week 3 Recap

Fun times last night. The commenters came to play last night and I appreciate it. Here is our tradition (if it can be called that after 4 months) of counting down the best of the best. We start with the comments and then later we'll have the Announcers (and last night was almost as good as it gets). Here we go....websites are linked through the commenters names, so check out their sites.


Honorable Mention: days-e're going to miss the U2 encore rob i.
Anytime another commenter tries to convince someone to watch the halftime show is worth a mention.

5. Rob I said...Drew Brees just threw the Most Important Block by a Quarterback Ever. Man, this stuff writes itself!
It's very true. I think the Boston Globe is hiring.

4. Jay said...Jeremy Shockey just called to say that the Falcons have been outplayed and outcoached in the first half.
Does anyone else have Lionel Richie stuck in their head right now?

3. Bender said...Spike Lee doesn't care about Vick's completion percentage.
They really didn't talk much about the game when he was up there did they?

2. FuckingBrian said...Oh yay, we get to hear from Archie. He was just a spectacular NFL Quarterback. Can we stop that myth yet?
I agree. Archie was a horrible QB with good genes.

1. Jay said...Where the hell is Michelle Tafoya? Does she call it a night at halftime?
Seriously, where did she go? Did she pull a Joe Pa on us?

0. Rob I said...I think Roddy White just slipped on some human waste from....oh...too soon?
Too soon! Too soon! (Just kidding, I actually did a spit take on this one. But know you're going to hell right? See you there.)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 9:48 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

MNF Football Live-Blog Week 3, We're All Saints Tonight

Monday, September 25, 2006

And no I do not mean that crappy R & B group from the 90s. We'll be live-blogging away tonight for the return to The's GRAND Re-opening if you will. The regulars will be here and I'll be your host for the evening, so comment early and comment often. Welcome Home New Orleans (as much as that statement can mean after the hell you've been through).

New Orleans Needs the Saints, a great article by Michael Smith.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I don't know if there are/were words for these.

Welcome. Here we go.....Live from the Superdome, The Big Easy, Louisiana.

7:01- "What would we do without the Goo Goo Dolls?"- Roommate. Ah yes it's going to be that kind of night.

7:09- So Sean Payton took them through the entire game before the actual game, including a performance by U2 on the jumbotron and fake fan noise. Do you think he simulated the pounding that the Falcons running game is going to give them? Sorry, I'm rooting for the Saints I'm just ain't going to be easy.

7:15- Is a spleenectomy and actual word Mort? And look out Buzzsaw.....Mr. Paris Hilton is your new QB.

7:18- Jaws' Keys to Victory

  • Falcons- Run the ball dominantly
  • Saints- 1/2 Punch Running

Umm, At least U2 and GreenDay are here tonight. So much for high scoring.

7:20- So far for this program we've seen: Berman, Young, Irvin, TJ, Stu, Jaws, Sean Salisbury, Michele Tafoya, Suzy Kolber, Ditka and Rachel Nichols. ESPN spares no expense.

7:24- Add Robin Roberts (the lady not the pitcher) and Bob Ley to the mix.

7:27- Add Jeremy Schapp Mark Schwartz (who looks just like Schapp) doing an interview with Joe Horn. I'm a huge Joe Horn fan by the way....He's a class act. Cell phone and all.

7:36- I have no idea who Chris Berman said caught that Bengals Touchdown....sounded like Houssshshs....zim.....mandadzaha.

7:39- Add Ed Werner (sp?). This is getting ridiculous.

7:43- Is Peyton Manning the new Joe Montana. I mean it is okay to say no to SOME commercial offers.

7:44- I think Steve Young was still mic'd up when they came back from a piece. "I'll call you when I get back from Atlanta." Either Steven had one hell of a transfer flight, or he's already forgotten where he is. Don't see how that's possible at this point.

7:45- "It's under budget and on schedule.....unlike most of New Orleans."- Bob Ley, Okay Bob Ley is a f'ing dick. ESPN really should have bleeped that.....don't see how they are not getting backlash on that one.

7:48- "The toughest part was to scrub away the cess pool of human misery."- Mark Schwartz, Okay....we have another dick. Thanks ESPN....I'M ready for some football are you?!?!?!

7:52- I think I just saw the fat kid, Goldberg from the Mighty Ducks, in a Castrol commercial....Can anyone verify this for me?

8:00- To the booth! Enter our players.....MT, JT, and TK. TK has some pretty big bags under his eyes. I think now is a good a time as any to say this.....I hate U2. There I got that out of the way.

8:05- "U2.....GREEN DAY!!! They are all coming up before the game"- CB

Your other viewing options tonight: Prison Break, Wife Swap, Deal or No Deal, 7th Heaven, HIMYM, Beyond the Glory- Jerome Bettis, The O'Reilly Factor, Inside the Actors Stuio- Angelina Jolie, and Diary of Ludacris.

8:15- Intro time....U2Day after the break.


8:26- "There is a house in New Orleans they call the Superdome."- Billy Joe, set to the Led Zepplin song House of the Rising Sun.....pretty badass with the horns and all.

8:30- "You're Beautiful....Music Rises." I may hate U2, but they are awesome individuals. Music Rises

8:32- When the Saints come Marching In.....we are still here. Who is on that motorcycle?

8:35- Wow TK's symbols speech was pretty amazing....just shut Joe Theismann up now.

8:38- Are you fucking kidding me? Ashton Fucking Kutcher picks up the helmet for this game? Fuck ESPN....I'm serious.....fuck them to hell and back.

Correction- As FuckingBrian notes House of the Rising Sun was not a Zepplin original. I'm not that up on my folk music and I think that's the first band I heard play it. You learn something new every day.

8:42- Erma Thomas on the mic......I'm actually surprised that they didn't boo.

8:44- George H. Bush is on hand for the coin flip.....George W. Bush is a pussy.

8:45- You would think that ESPN would skip the f'ing Hank Williams for tonight.....umm no. Welcome Back New buy our stuff. Sincerely, Nike.

8:48- Kickoff. "Mike Vick with Virginia Tech almost won a championship in this building against Florida State."- MT, 46-29 Mike...close game

"Scott Fujita- The Asian Assassin"- Mike McKenzie


7-0 Saints!

Holy Cow that was amazing.

8:54- Rossum tries to fake a backward pass, which faked no one.

Rob I said... I just spit arrabiatta sauce all over my TV screen. The Most Important Punt Block Ever.

8:59- Hello Lelie....nice to see you again.

9:01- "Mike is close on him. This is snuggling."-JT, aww that was so cute Joe.

"I've got him in fantasy tonight. You've got to catch that."- TK, as Alge Crumps drops a TD


9:09- Omar Stoudmire blasts Rossum........and.......another commercial.

9:13- "The Safties know that Vick Loves Crumpler"- MT
"AND the Saints know he likes Crumpler"- JT

Umm what Joe? That's what he said?

"This turf is going to be a problem all night. This turf is going to make receivers run with their bodies over their legs."- JT

Ummm Wha!?!?!?!?!?!?! Okay I quit. Joe Theeeesman is a straight up idiot. Period.

"At what place is their body someplace else?"- TK

Thanks Tony.

9:18- "I don't want to make it seem like he was Lorraine Cross and he didn't take any money."- TK, umm who Dennis Miller.

9:22- "This turf doesn't favor Reggie Bush"- JT, Okay two minutes ago Joe said it was going to be harder on people with long strides and not those with smaller legs. Now he changes his tune.

"When Patrick Kerney isn't flying his airplane he's roughing the quarterback."- Keith Brooking, ha my jokes make myself laugh some times.

9:24- Don't let State Farm fool you....this is all spin. Spike Lee destroyed them in When the Levees. Remeber Hurricane protection does not protect you from water damage.

Uh oh, Deangelo Hall is banged up. Go up top N.O.!

9:25- Oh that block was sick by Drew Brees! Great Play. Sean Payton brought some Jap plays with him.

14-3 Saints. Now the Dome is rocking!

9:30- "I know we have social issues to worry about but this is a great start."- TK, yep...that's right Tony "Social Issues".

Side note: I HATE Archie Manning.

Rob I said... Drew Brees just threw the Most Important Block by a Quarterback Ever.Man, this stuff writes itself!

Now that's funny.

9:33- Michele Tafoya said Deangelo got a call from Deion....Contest: What did Deion say? Winner gets a bottle of Uncle Jemima's Mash Licka!

1st Quarter Done. 14-3

9:37- exactly do you "Gash" a defense? Hmm....I see.

9:41- Warrick Dunn cares about black people. Seriously though that letter was amazing and I can't believe that they didn't raise the $8.5 million. What is that to an NFL player?

So Vick is 2-10, and only has the one long one. Can we stop with all the Vick has finally arrived articles now?

Jay said... The steps going to porches that are no longer there are like "gravestones". TK is on a rhetorical roll tonight.

Very good point. He's almost over-doing it at this point. Save some for the second half Tony.

9:48- Spike Lee is in the booth. Watch out for the Bush comments......

"A year later it's still not right here."- Spike Lee
"It's 4 Hours and then back to their FEMA trailers."- SL

Joe Horn is a badass still.

"I'm not going to pull a Kanye up here."- SL
"I'm assuming you'd like to see more done"- TK, Shut the hell up Joe
"Potential Coach of the Year, Isiah Thomas"- SL, Shut the hell up Spike.

BoSox Siobhan said... Re: 9:18 and "Lorraine Cross." I'm pretty sure TK said "The Red Cross." Makes more sense, right?

So what BoSox....I'm drunk. You wanna fight about it? Just kidding. That makes a WHOLE lot more sense.

9:58- Ed Houchuli is our ref.....forgot to mention. Women bow to his bisceps.

Carney FG 17-3 Saints.

Text from my friend Boston Barry (a Red Sox fan)....."Did you watch Heros?" Umm no.

10:05- 4th and 1 Mora going for it. And......First down. Nice Play.

"They took blood from me and dust came out.....that's a funny line."- TK, maybe to an 80 year old like you. I heard that joke on HBO's Snaps in 1992.

10:08- "Three Receivers come towards you."- MT, he's developing new terminology! Sweet.

"They should hire someone who can throw the flag far distances like Theisman"- TK

"In the Belly of Dunn"- MT, Get in Dunn's BELLY!

10:15- Welcome back to the NFL Morten. There's a Block Party in New Orleans! There you go newspapers....I write them for you.

"They call it tape Tony"- JT, getting kinda perturbed with Tony! Tony!

Jay said...Jeremy Shockey just called to say that the Falcons have been outplayed and outcoached in the first half.

Dammit beat me to it.

10:22- "The Saints need 40 more yards to give Carney a 50 yarder"- JT, Well Joe....they are on their own forty if you get another 40 yards that's at the 20 yard line.....add 17 yards for the FG, and that's a 37 yarder. You were close though Joe.

Wait Joe it's a 51 yarder....what yardline did they reach? Oh yea the 34.

Halftime 20-3.

So just a quick sidenote here. My roommate (not the first one but a different one) can fall asleep anywhere. Well right now he's passed out cold on the couch. Do I mess with him?

"The Falcons didn't want to get swept away with the Tide of Emotion"- TK, more hyperbole. Seriously, stop it.

JT blames the problems of the Falcons on the new field. The Saints seem to be having problems.

10:43- Marques Colston is not bad....not bad at all.

10:50- "Who says you have to be 6'5" to play quarterback in the NFL?!?!"- JT, I'm pretty sure no one Joe. And in fact....I'm pretty sure that Big Ben is the only quarterback in the NFL that's 6'5".

10:53- Reggie Bush into the game....."Reggie is the guy who can draw attention and you can't forget about Ernie Cromwell"- JT

"Quick call the play third-and-goal"- TK
"Play Action"- JT up the middle
"I'm the worst"- JT


11:00- So I went to 7-11 at halftime to get a coffee, and was coaxed into an impulse buy. Two packs of UpperDeck Football they are:

Pack 1- TJ Whosyamomma, Larry Johnson, Champ Bailey, Willis McGahee, Keyshawn Johnson (Jersey Card Insert! But it's red? And he's playing for the Cowboys?), Issac Bruuuuuce, Jeremy "I dream of a threesome with a mother and daughter" Shockey, Ben Troupe, Adrian "Watch out for that Mascot" McPherson, and JJ Arrington.

Radio Man said... Actually, that big guy with the cheesy hair and mustache and cell phone told me that I should like 6-5, 230-pound quarterbacks with laser, rocket arms. So I like those, not Drew Brees.

Good point. Their advertising isn't working on me.

11:06- Harry Con Jr. show up

Pack #2- First card....Mike Vick (look out N.O. this might be an omen), Ashley Lelie, Eric Moulds, D Jackson, Joe Horn! (uh oh another sign), Michael Bennett, Ciatrick Fason, Troy Williamson......damn three Vikes in a row (i'm sure there's a triple headed dildo joke in there somewhere)

11:10- "The most the Falcons will have in this game is four posessions"- JT, I take that as a challenge. We're on one right now.

"It's brand new grass and the blades are long"- JT, Umm longer grass would lead me to believe that running would be slower, but that's just me. He did bring up the beads, which is most definitely the reason.

11:15- "When the flag was thrown he must have seen something to take it out of his pants."- JT
"Hahahahahaha......that's a no commenter for me"- TK
"Tony sometimes it's like having a little kid in here"- MT

Oh man oh man.....was that ever funny. I hope at least some of you are still up. Lines are being drawn!!!


"Don't you think that Atlanta wasn't confident running the ball coming in?"- TK
"Yes I did, but then the Saints decided to be invincible"- JT
"That and the size of the field"- TK

I can't even keep up with this anymore. Too F'ing funny.....keep it up Tony....onto the 4th!!!

11:24- Your sign of the night "Dirty Birds make Good Gumbo" least the creative juices are flowing in N.O.

TV Viewing Update: Women's Trick Shot on ESPN 2!!!!

Jay said... Just in case anyone was wondering the Cardinals lost and the Astros won again tonight. Cards 7.5 game lead is now only 2.5. Epic tank job in progress.

Wow....I might skip Deadspin tomorrow morning.

"Seize the second of this season"- Avery Johnson?
"Dancin' Dartin' and Dropped Down"- MT, Aliteration aside guys I think I'll take my chances in the tournament.

That's two possession Joe......11:15 left in the fourth.

Jay could basically do my job for me at this point (as if I get paid for this) but....

Jay said... Where the hell is Michelle Tafoya? Does she call it a night at halftime?

Very good question.....they've gone to Suzy about 5 times in the second half.

11:33- We're coming up on the third possession Joe....anything you'd like to say? 9:29 left.....

11:36- Wow, Mike Vick with a hell of a run.....3o yards.

If the Saints DBs play like this all year look out for the Saints playoff run.

4th down conversion for the Falcons. Vick actually hit someone in stride.

11:41- The Asian Assassin makes himself known.

"This is like one of those Tom Brady drives like last night where it takes nine minutes and you run out of time"- TK, very good point. More importantly it's ruining my 4 possessions challenge to Joey T.

11:48- Still no Michele Tafoya.

"I'm coming in knee is coming back."- JT, on Deuce. I'm channeling my inner Tony here but.....I would hope so.

4 possessions.....Joe is looking to be spot on. That pisses me off. 2 Minute Warning.

Radio Man said... Did Sean Payton really learn how to run out the clock from Bill Parcells?? That is why Parcells is a genius, because he knows to try to run out the clock when you have the lead and the ball late.

It's's so true.

11:56- Matt Wienart and Neil Everett standing by.......OH JOY!

4 possessions......Joe is right. Dammit.

Final....Saints 23- Falcons 3. Let the Good Times Roll. Good night all......New Orleans is back and 3-0?!?!?!?! See you next week for the Pack v. Eagles.

Quick Note: I'm going to be sappy here, but I've always felt that Sport emulates life. The city of New Orleans had their biggest home rebuilt, and now they can go back and (please god) rebuild the rest of the homes in that region. Even as the highlights are being replayed on SportsCenter you can hear the trumpets in the background. I think I'm going to take my first trip down to the Big Easy in this next year......who's coming with me?

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:07 PM 34 Comments Links to this post

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly- Cajun Taco Style

Good weekend all-around for sports, er Sport. Didn't watch any baseball and didn't watch the slaughter that was the Ryder Cup (Phil should take notes on how to distract Tiger though). Football is priority number 1 here at the moment....especially when it comes to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Announcing. Let's get into it.

Oh, and we will once again be live-blogging the MNF game tonight. Watch Spike Lee's documentary and then join us later on tonight.

The Good:

This is always a tough category for me to find entries in, but I think I'm going with Gus Johnson and Steve Tasker. Not only was Steve Tasker a badass on Special Teams when he played, but he's pretty darn good as a Color guy. Gus Johnson is a little over the top most of the time, but he has to get you interested in the Ravens/Browns game somehow right?

I'm also giving a nod to Brad Nessler here. After Joe Pa had, "problems" in the middle of the game. Nessler was commenting on the beef of the OSU defensive line, and chimed in beautifully....
"And Joe Pa is wishing he DIDN'T have the beef last night"

In my can never go wrong with a poop joke in the booth. Ever. I was also going to give one to Sam Rosen and Tim Clark Green (Tim Clark would be a golfer) (Skins/Texans), but they got bumped down because of one Sam Rosen goof.

The Bad:

We have a few entries for this category. First is the aforementioned Sam Rosen....As he and Tim Green were sailing along the tricky Andre Johnson threw Sam a curveball....

"And Andre Rison.....I mean Andre Johnson with the catch on the sidelines."

Good call there Sammy. Andre "Bad Moon" Rison (F you Berman) was last seen winning a Grey Cup up north for the Toronto Argos in 2004 (RIP Left Eye).

I'm also giving a bad to my lady who provided the inside joke for the day. With the Skins beginning to T-off on David Carr, Tim Clark Green (Tim Clark would be a golfer) threw this out there....

"The Skins are just going to rattle Carr's cage and continue to tackle."

Which my gf turned into.....

"What did he just say about a Cajun Taco. You should write about that in your blog thingy." (As you wish)

Another Bad goes to Bob Griese who is normally not so terrible, but he makes some pretty odd statements some times......

"This is the time of year when you get together with your neighbors and see who's toughest"

Umm, not sure if I remember that time of year but okay.

The Ugly:

I am trying my hardest not to give this to the Announcing Team of Pam Ward and Mike Gottfried every week. If you haven't heard Gottfried yet this really sounds like he just had a stroke. Since I haven't confirmed one way or another I'm going to stay away, but feel free to sit in the comfort of your home and laugh your ass off every time he tries to say a word that starts with "S".

Your winner (or loser...however you look at it) for the past weekend is one Christopher Spielman.

I loved Chris when he played....especially after that SI article came out. You know the one where he "Thought horrible things in the locker room before the game. Things like my Wife and kids being raped and killed. I would come out to the field in tears." Just Psychotic! Well maybe Chris has taken one too many hits to the head.

When Mario Manningham knocked a ball out of bounds he suggests that "Maybe Mario was flagged for Illegal batting of the ball." Well immediately after he realized he had made up a rule, he praised Manningham for doing so.

At one point during the game Sean McDounough coyly told an entire nation of viewers that Chris was "Farting in the booth." See, I told you poop jokes always work in the booth.

And my personal favorite.....after a Wisconsin tackle.......
"Belly to back souffle"- CS "May I ask what that means?"- SMc "Some wrestling term....souflle, I don't know.- CS

There you have it. Your first GBU....I hope you enjoyed. I'll see everyone tonight for the live-blog. I also leave you with some of my favorite Chris Spielman'isms from his playing days.

  • "If I ever lay down on the football field," Spielman told reporters last March, "one of you guys get your hunting rifle out and put me out of my misery."
  • During camp defensive end Phil Hansen missed a few days of practice with a shoulder injury. Naturally Spielman sought to make him feel bad. What's the problem, he asked? "It's my A-C joint," said Hansen, referring to his left achromio-clavicular joint. "A-C joint?" Spielman replied. "You don't even need that thing. I had mine taken out, and I've never had a problem!"
  • He has missed only those four games in eight years, none last season, despite tearing his right pectoral from his rib cage in the Lions' opener. "I thought I'd broken my collarbone," he recalls, "so I said, 'We'll just finish her out.'
  • "I realize I'm psycho, man. But I know there's a lot of psycho men like me out there."

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 9:57 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Future Broadcasters of America

Friday, September 22, 2006

So I'm being lazy this afternoon/evening and I'm done posting for the week. It's the day of my birth and I feel I can slack off on that Simmons Review you've been dying to read. Anyways, here's your weekend video straight to you from Suwanee Sports Academy Broadcast Camp. You want to know who your future announcers are? Well here you go.

(My personal favorite is the kid at 2:13. Look into the camera son!)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 3:33 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The Simmons Review- V.13, All Things Inner City

A quick Simmons review before we get into the weekend (and probably another review for the picks later). This article was pretty good, but I think it's kind of BS. I'll explain more on that later. There was definitely good in the article but I didn't like the overall premise.

Mad Libs World in Hollywood

The Good:

  • Every time he entered a room, I kept expecting him to take a dramatic pause, look up to the sky and scream, "Finally the Rock HAS COME BACK TO JUVIE!" That's pretty funny.
  • Hey, I'd like to tell you that this is progress. I'd like to tell you that most of the classic sports flicks catered to white people to an embarrassing degree, that the current shift of focus was long overdue. I'd even like to tell you that this is a great sign for society as a whole -- 25 years ago, a sports movie with a black star and a mostly black cast probably wouldn't have finished No. 1 in its opening weekend. True.
  • Now I'm wondering if I avoided "The Wire" because its central themes -- drugs, corruption, urban decay -- were realities that I simply wanted to ignore. Instead of being haunted by a show like this, it was easier and safer to skip it entirely. Most people feel this way, I'm guessing; it's the only conceivable reason why five times as many people would watch "The Sopranos" over a show that's better in every way. I'm in the minority here, but I hated the Sopranos. This statement is very true though, and a good point.
The Bad:
  • For instance, the producers of "Gridiron Gang" pulled out these four cards: FOOTBALL + JUVIE + INNER-CITY + THE ROCK. Umm, you are getting mad at formulas? I've got one for you....PATRIOTS+REDSOX+KARATE KID+90210+THESE ARE MY READERS.
  • Upon further review, maybe the problem isn't Hollywood after all. Oh my god! WE'RE the problem?!?!? Get over yourself.
  • Now things have flipped: we don't need the likes of Rocky Balboa, Danny LaRusso, Crash Davis, Lickety Split, Jimmy Chitwood, Henry Steele, Reg Dunlop, Roy Hobbs, Scott Howard, Paul Crewe and Jonathan E. anymore. Inner-city kids, prisoners and juvie kids have become the heroes, blacks are just as likely to play lead roles as whites, and characters become decidedly unsympathetic if they attend a school with enough money to afford uniforms with names on the back. Coaches have emerged as the most important characters, not because they're the most interesting, but because it's the role most likely to attract a major star (and there really aren't any major stars under 40 anymore). If you can find a setting that can be accentuated by the right hip-hop soundtrack, all the better. The Hip-Hop comment was un-necessary and seemed a little bit racist actually. What about Remember the Titans? It had a CCR song.
This is where I have an issue. The fact that a white writer in Hollywood shouldn't be weighing in on the issue. He acts like this is the first movie and show to tackle this problem. It reeks of Rich White Guy thinking he's cool for writing an article about race issues. We know it's a problem and most of us would rather not think about it. But if I weren't white I really wouldn't want some online writer to wax-poetic about my trials and tribulations.....just let me enjoy the movie.

(Read the Picks Article Here and report back later today)

(Update: Forgot to give it a grade, and I'm too lazy to post the rings. 3 out of 5)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 12:05 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

The Fucking First Amendment.....FUCK YEAH!

I'm up fucking late tonight.....and no it's not because I'm fucking turning almost 30 (28) it's because I've been fucking contemplating. That's right folks I fucking contemplate.

(Please skip this next part if you don't like anyone going fucking philosophical on your ass)

The fucking BALCO thing (first of all how the fuck do they deserve all caps?).....I've been avoiding that shit like the plague. I fucking hate steroids, I doubly fucking hate Barry Bonds, and I basically I don't even fucking understand what's going on with the trial. You know why? Because I hadn't fucking cared....until fucking now.

Please read this by Wright Thompson of ESPN......Outcome For Chronicle Reporters Means We All Lose

Now I have no idea who the fuck Wright Thompson is (allbeit he wrote one hell of a fucking article), but I know this much.....The reason I get to do what I matter what....ESPN, you, my mom, my pastor (if I had one), or jesus.....thinks is because of the Mother Fucking Constitution.

Now, I am just a blip on the radar screen of fucking of millions of people who read websites everday....shit, I had maybe 500 fucking people here yesterday (2,000 if Will at Deadspin sifts through the 90 fucking emails I send him a fucking day in a poor fucking attempt to link me) But for these two individuals to serve jail time is FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

Fuck Balco, Fuck Barry Bonds, Fuck Michael Rains, Fuck Steroids, Fuck Contempt, Fuck The Justice System, Fuck Greg Anderson, Fuck The Clear, Fuck The Cream, Fuck Gary Shef, Fuck Raffy Palmeiro, Fuck Jason Giambi, and Fuck every other player I can't think of who took steroids.

There's a reason why I can curse 36 Fucking (37) times in this post. And it's because of people like Mark "Bad Ass Mutha Fucker" Fainaru-Wada and Lance "You wish you had Fucking Balls like me" Williams. Just to use the phrase "Nobody is Above the Law" in a courtroom is just plain showboating.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 12:45 AM 5 Comments Links to this post

These Keep Getting Better

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Maybe they've figured out this intro thing over at ESPN.


1) Beyond their moment TV/Music Star- Check (Eva Longoria)
"I'm desperate for some football"- Hmm, no cross promotion there.

2) Crazy graphics going through ficticious city- Check (Looks a lot like Gotham)

3) GMC Trucks turning into an Offensive Line- Umm, Check....I guess.

Then again.....I don't think they have. See for yourself:

(P.S.- I can't wait until next Monday to see who picks up the helmet. I'm thinking either A) Mayor Nagin, B) President Bush, or C) Lil Jon.......YEAH! Early money is on "C".)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:43 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Oh Roller Hockey.....How I've Missed You

I saw this link (James Mirtle) over at Deadspin, and decided to look up some of those old Roller Hockey games that they used to show on ESPN 2. Well I found this instead....nothing like skinny white High School kids starting a brawl on fake ice. Enjoy!

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:15 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Ladies and Gentleman, Your New & Improved Page 2!!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

So I was getting ready to post a Simmons' Review of the latest Sports Guy vs. Gal thing they are doing now, but I decided against it. Do you want to know why? Because I can! (Just kidding...I'm just bored with it.) Basically the article had way too much on Art Shell...who the hell cares about the Raiders anyways? And, The Sports Gal kiiiilled him this week: 11-5, 8-8. She takes the season series lead.

Any_ways, with the recent "downsizing" at Page 2, I was beginning to think there would be no one good left to write for the site. Basically Simmons would be on an island. Well you know what I found out? That's exactly the case. Even though Bayless was a complete ass, I always read his stuff.....Same with Jason "I like to crush couches" Whitlock, he wasn't that bad....and I even enjoyed Shanoff's thing in the mornings (it's how I found Deadspin). What's left you ask?

Well if Page 2 was a basketball team.....for your starters you've got a wily veteran in Jim Caple at center (the point of all things point-less), at Shooting Guard is Scoop Jackson (who is on a bigger tennis kick than Mary Carillo at this point), Eric Neel and Bomani Jones are at the 4 & 5 (the Jared Jeffriessss of sports writing), and at PG you have the rookie DJ Gallo (from Sports Pickle fame). And your coach....none other than Mr. Simmons himself (a virtual Larry Brown).

As far as your bench you have: Tim Keown (who?), Mary Buckheit (who?), Kurt Snibbe (um who?), David Fleming (who's not bad, but writes only once a week), Patrick Hruby (who I like, but tries too hard to be funny), Paul Lukas (I don't care about uniforms), and everyone's favorite Pop Culturist....Chuck Klosterman. Oh and one more person who I need your comments on.......

Greg Easterbrook. He does the Tuesday Morning Quarterback thing for Page Deuce. Today was personally the first time I've ever read it, and......well.....basically.....I don't get it.
(View the latest Tuesday Morning QB Article here) I know he's from and he's versed in all things, well...NFL. But do people actually read this trash? This is going to sound like a joke, but I promise you it's not......his latest article....

9000 Words and 17 printed pages!!!!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me? There's not a chance in hell I would read something A) Poorly called the "Tuesday Morning Quarterback", or B) Something that was a frickin' novel. Here are the topics he covered in no particular order.

  • Cheerleader of the Week
  • Stat of the Week
  • Stargate SG-1
  • Kenneth Star
  • Dan Snyder
  • Fake Punts
  • Sweet Team of the Week
  • Sweet Play of the Week
  • Sweet Block of the Week
  • Sweet and Sour Play of the Week
  • Sweet Defensive Play of the Week
  • Sour Play of the Week
  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Sour Play of the Week #2
  • Beefcake of the Week
  • Buck Buck Brawckkk of the Week
  • Segways
  • The CIA
  • the International Space Station
  • Ronald Reagan Aircraft Carrier
  • NFL Primetime
  • Wacky Food of the Week
  • Sominex
  • Howard University
  • Higher Education
  • Pfizer
Umm so yeaaah......Umm, I don't have that kind of attention span. In fact I don't think you do either which is why you probably didn't even make it through the list. And if you did.....bravo. So I'm adding Easterbrook to my repertoire. I will give you his topic rundown every Tuesday just so you can skip reading it all together.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:16 PM 8 Comments Links to this post

Oh It's On Now Europe!

I am not a fan of golf. There I got that out of the way.....I like to play it, but I consider it a hobby and not a sport. Well the one thing I know about golf is that you don't "F" with Tiger "I have Ice running through my veins, which are also made of Ice from Iceland (yes I know Iceland is green and Greenland is ice....but it sounded better. Work with me here.)" Woods. Don't say I didn't warn you Dubliner. What is your Rookie Card worth Gem Mint 10 Jose Maria Olazabal??? Huh??? (P.S.- Maria is a girl's name)

Tiger Woods has reacted with fury after a Dublin magazine printed topless photos of a woman which it wrongly claimed it was the superstar golfer's wife. Woods and the United States team are said to be "appalled" by the article in the latest issue of the Dubliner, which portrays the players' wives and girlfriends as cheap on the eve of the Ryder Cup. The photograph purporting to be of Woods's wife Elin Nordegren appears in the September issue of the listings magazine. Under the headline "Ryder Cup filth for Ireland" is a picture of a topless woman. (From the Daily Mail)

In fact the Dubliner didn't stop with Tiger:

The article continues: "Most American golfers are married to women who cannot keep their clothes on in public. Is it too much to ask that they leave them at home for the Ryder Cup? "Consider the evidence - Tiger Woods's wife Elin Nordegren - pictured left - can be found in a variety of sweaty poses on porn sites across the web..." But the photo is not of the 26-year-old Swedish model. Sources close to the American team said Woods was dismayed at the publication and other members of the US side were very unhappy. It goes on to claim that Chad Campbell's wife Amy is a " largechested singer" and suggests that Jim Furyk's wife Tabitha " married geeky Jim as his winnings hit £10 million". The piece also says Sonya Toms, wife of David, finds it "liberating" to wear her bikini around the house.

Oh okay Ireland I see how it is! Not only did you make my decedents from made me with your precious Red Hair and threw on a Ronald McDonald afro on my head from the time I'm born until about 11 years old. But being beat up by dickhead kids is nothing compared to trying to rile up my boy Tiger. I'm officially anti-Irish.....someone help me scrub these f'ing freckles off my skin now.

(I might actually watch the Ryder Cup now. Nah, probably not.)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 11:39 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Hanging by a Moment

With quality programming like this, it's a wonder that they are talking about getting rid of Cold Pizza! Seriously Lifehouse Acoustic Rocks! That's what I want to start my day with.

Also, welcome back Peter Gammons. You are a gentleman and a scholar. If I didn't care about baseball anymore I'd read your columns (that and they are on insider). I'll see you in the playoffs though. Cheers. (Can you tell I have nothing to write about?.....Simmons review later. That's my go to any ways.)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 10:19 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

MNF Live Blog 9/18

Monday, September 18, 2006

It's the Jaguars.....It's the Steelers. ON MONDAY NIGHT!!!

Welcome all. For ease and accessibility our Announcers for tonight are MT, JT, and TK. Keep up with me in the comments, and let's get into this thing.

7:27- Mike Ditka says something that can only be deciphered as Goooudfudud Defense Goudududud!!!

7:32- We have our first Tony Boselli sighting! Good times Jags fans.

7:42- Your first preview of 18,212 tonight of Bill Cowher

7:46- Ben Roth is suiting up......get your Steelers' Official Motorcycle helmets out!

7:51- Okay taking a break until the start of game time. You people better show up.

8:10- "I hear he has a broken bone in the C-Section, or C-6 section of his back"- Jaws.

8:18- "That's better than kissing your's kissing your coach!"- Berman on Joey Porter, Ummm what?!?!?!?!

Your other viewing options for tonight:
2 hours of Deal or No Deal, Howie Mandel is my hero
Prison Break
Wife Swap
The Class
How I met Your Mother
Two and a Half Men
(if you're looking for something else to do....I know you're not)

8:26- "Jacksonville, is Jagged Up! Tonight!"- CB. Let's get this thing going.

8:28- Your final line looks like it's -2.5 Pitt.....I'm on the Steelers. The public went with the Jags when they heard Roth was playing.

8:31- Eva Longoria is DESPERATE for some football......Cross Promotion Alert!!!

8:33- GMC Trucks! Cross Promotion Alert!!!

8:33- We are from Jacksonville! How much teal can one stadium wear!?!

8:35- "Ben if it weren't for bad luck you'd have no luck at all.....what's next does he find out he's pregnant?"- TK, I think winning a SuperBowl without a TD pass is pretty lucky.

arcuRADIO said...I didn't realize they're now called the Jacksonville Limp Dildos. What the hell are the JAX fans shaking?!

There's my commenters.....breaking out the dildo references right off the bat.

8:37- Okay I hate Suzy Kolber....she's not hot, and sounds like she's doing a Toyota commercial every read.

8:39- "Hank Williams and Kickoff in 60 seconds"- MT, thanks for the countdown Mikey!

8:40- I love that NFL jacket that Hank is wearing...classy. Damn Questlove from the Roots is on this? Can someone say sellout? Little Richard, Bootsy Collins, Stevie V. Here we go.....Pittsburgh gets the kick. Apparently Kordell Stewart is returning....oh wait that's Santonio Holmes.

8:42- Hines Ward on the intros......too straight laced in my opinon. "Papa Smurf"? Big Ben completes his first two. Light em up BB.

8:43- Welcome to Duvall? What is Mike Peterson saying?

8:45- How many times can JT say the phrase limited play? And we have our first review! Monday Night Excitement!!!

Here's your How I met your Mother update:

.........just kidding.

8:53- "BEEEE YEAH"- Joey Porter

So I think it's time to say that I'm giving up on the Redskins and I'm now a Jaguars Fan.....someone in Florida please send me a Matt Jones jersey stat.

8:56- "Ike Taylor could be one of the best corners in football"- JT, seriously stop Joe....just give up. Pickle by Leftwich Hagans gets it for Pitt.

9:28- Okay sorry about that delay.......Comcast turned the internet off for me knowing that I was killing them in traffic.....moving on.

Here's what I was going to talk about:
- Appendix Diagrams
- This crew is always talking....slow down a bit.
- TK threw out a gambling reference during a "family program"...."Daddy, what's an over/under?"

9:35- ***UPDATE***- This game suuuuuuuucks.

9:38- Dwayne Wade is in the booth for some reason???? He's no Jamie Foxx that's all I'll say.

9:40- If there are ever fantasy punters in leagues I'm taking Jacksonville's Kicker.

9:43- 2 Minute Warning of the Worst game ever........

Okay I'm officially watching Deal Or No Deal.....So Welcome....To the Deal or no Deal LIVE BLOG!!!!

9:47- Highest offer in the history of Deal or No Deal......right when we come back!!!!!!!!!!

buckeyegirl or no deal is on...more exciting then the football game ;)

See I told you.

9:53- "$650,000!!!!!!!!!", coming from the thickest NJ accent you've ever heard. He's going for the on it.

9:55- "NO DEAL!!!!!!!!!" "This is the greatest show ever....I play at home. Hanging out with you and these beautiful ladies"

$500,000 case.....but the guy still has 1 and 3 mil cases (this is so staged)

9:56- I flipped back to MNF in time to hear (with ACRUradio) Joe T. say, "With Breath coming out of their mouth".....umm yeah.

9:57- DEAL! $675,000 dollars......and what's in his case?????????

$3,000,000 Dollars! Wow....not staged at all.

HALFTIME- Pittsburgh 0/Jax 0.......shoot me in the face. "We've got a pitcher's duel"- CB, shut up Chris.

Okay, most people would leave you high and dry and not return for the second half. I'm going to drink some more (2-liter of Coke) and plug away at this second half. You know why? Because I love you....that's why.

10:15- Daunte Culpepper in Madden is literally 14 times better than DC Pepp in real life (yep just made that nickname up).

Irene Done said...You know what this telecast needs? A Tom Cruise sighting, that's what. We just didn't know how good we had it last week.

Irene is so right. Tom is our everything.....plain and simple.

10:22- Jimmy Smith is on the sideline! Put him in the damn game and get him the ball. P.S.- If this game ends in a 0-0 tie I will go down as the only person in the history of the world to live-blog a 0-0 tie. Just wanted you to know that.

10:24- Jags Driving! Look out scoreboard.

10:25- "This is the deepest penetration for either team"- MT......Penetration, hehe.

10:27- Steelers challenge. More time wasted. I hate how ESPN goes to commercial before showing a replay.....I need TIVO.

10:30- Hey a team got into the Red Zone!......Steelers D looking mediocre on this drive.

10:31- Wow Larry Foote (From!?!?!) blasts Leftwich on 3rd down.....FG Attempt.....

3-0 Jacksonville.....Thank god.....some points.

10:34- Okay Santonio Holmes sucks as a return man.....down the ball once please.

10:37- I'm predicting a final score of 7-3.....TD Hines Ward in the 4th.

10:40- "You said he was back two plays ago"- TK, after JT said that Big Ben was off his game and forcing throws. Now we're playing with fire!

That last exchange was pretty multiply that by ten and you'll have a winner.

10:47- Jacksonville taking it to Pittsburgh now. Big third down conversion.

10:52- Still boring.

10:56- Still boring. (I could probably type this in 5 minute increments the rest of the game)

11:00- Great defense by Mathis......wait for it.............wait for it......

11:01- PUNT!!!!!!!!! Steelers.

11:07- Welcome to the NFL Reggie Williams.

6-0 Jax....I'm dying here.

11:13- Whoever Tony Gilbert is....he just nailed someone in the KR.

I fully expect Jacksonville to Blitz every down now.

11:14- 5 minutes left in the game and a third down...."This is a pretty important third down for both teams"-JT, umm it's 6-0 in the fourth....I would think so Joe.

11:16- Ben is picked off.......that should be game. Thank f'ing god. Now say something dumb Joe.

9-0 Jax.

11:23- "Four minutes left.....this game is NOT over"- JT

11:25- 4th down toss up by Big Ben, and he grabs his side. The quotes from the MNF crew....well there aren't any. Good job team.

11:26- "If you take a look at the Giant Eagle game"- JT, The New York Giants team is singular now? (Yeah, I know....I'm grasping now.)

11:30- Suzy Kolber says, "I'm a man-child. My adam's apple provides the bass in my voice. I am a man." Oh, and that the Jaguars are underrated.

(His name's Del Rio and he dances in the sand!!!! Duran-Duran anyone? No, okay.)

11:35- Look out for that car Ben!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (interception)
And we have a Mike Tice sighting! Nice....that's how you end a telecast.

Final.......9-0 Jacksonville. Thanks for stopping by. I'm going to hang myself now.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 7:01 PM 21 Comments Links to this post

Live Blog Tonight- Pittsburgh at Jacksonville

We will be live-blogging the MNF game this, and every Monday. Join me tonight for online drinks, comments, and tom foolery....but before you do make sure you know Joe Theeeeeesman's keys to the game:


Will Roethlisberger play and can he be effective?

Until he's comfortable behind the center, I'd revert the game plan to his rookie season when he wasn't expected to do much but hand the ball off and make simple plays. Right, because he really airs it out there when he's healthy (Pittsburgh was 24th in passing last season)

Stop Fred Taylor

The Steelers can't get frustrated and abandon their schemes to try something exotic. They need to maintain discipline to be successful against Taylor. Exotic? Whoa Joe. Settle down now.

Use Trick Plays

Even if the play doesn't work and results in a small loss of yards or an incomplete pass it's worth it in the long run of this game. You mean like Jap plays? No disrespect to any orientals.


Hit the quarterback early and often

the Jaguars have to put the QB on his back as much as possible to force him to get rid of the ball hurriedly. That's right...hurriedly.

Spread the ball around when passing

The Jaguars and Leftwich have done a great job of spreading the ball around and finding the open guy instead of concentrating on getting the ball into the hands of one receiver. That's why Matt Jones has the most receiving yards, Reggie Williams has the most receptions and Ernest Wilford has the best yards per catch average. Hmm, good point actually. I'll let you slide on this category Joseph.

Get Fred Taylor the ball

Taylor is healthy and when he's healthy he's amazing and the Jaguars should ride his greatness. Ride the greatness Jacksonville.....ride the greatness, or his brittle groin. Whichever way you say must RIDE Fred Taylor. JAGUARS!.....mount up.

See you tonight! Don't be late there will be a quiz afterwards.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:07 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

State of the Union/I'm Bringin' Linky Back

Just a quick post today. We (I) here at AA think we've spent almost too much time on Bill Simmons and not the rest of the world. So from now on you are going to get some other writers mixed in (Mariotti, Scoop Jackson...if I can bear to talk about tennis, and perhaps Peter King) as well as a regular feature on Mondays called the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

You may remember (or not) back to the day after the NBA Draft where I put together all of the best, worst, and god awful quotes from everyone on hand. (View it here.) Well now that Football is in full swing we're going to give you a recap of your Announcing weekend every Monday. And then that night we will Live-blog the MNF game (if you would like to guest live blog....i.e.- Do my job for me....then just send an email).

So we hope you enjoy your New & Improved Mondays here at AA, and also be aware that the Simmons Reviews will continue. They may not be as frequent, but you will definitely get the Sports Guy vs. Gal reviews at the beginning of the week as well. Onto the links.....

I'm bringin' Linky back
You other links don't know how to act
If that's your link you betta watch your back
Cuz my links is burnin' up for me and that's a fact
(Take em' to the Links!)

Jay The Joke. Mariotti's at it again.

The Basketball Jones has a great Office outtake.

Fan IQ is taking on the experts. It's about time.

The Big Lead is all over the cuts at Page 2.

Fire Joe Morgan is never not wrong.

Mondesi's House has an interview with the best cover band of all time.

Gentrifried Rice has a nice homage to a great band.

The Gatorade Dump Asks, how do you spell relief? B-R-A-N-C-H.

Thunder Matt is onto the Left Fielders.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 1:02 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Stuart Scott Update

Friday, September 15, 2006

Okay one more post and I'm done today (got zero work done, but who cares?). Reader Matt from Indy sent me this and I just can't believe my eye (get it? Stu Scott joke anyone?). He was in the Stuart Scott Two-Way(awful title) SportsNation chat yesterday, and somehow got a jab at ESPN past the producers. But the amazing thing.......He got through twice! (and they still haven't taken it down) Check it out:

Stu Scott Chat Here. (You have to have insider to view of course)

Matt (Indy): Are the recent firings/quitings by "writers" a sign that your bosses don't want to walk down the same path that MTV did? Because seriously, ESPN is doing to sports what MTV has done to music. Sports Center was better when you were the only person trying to be truly funny. Now I have to turn the volume down four or five notches when I change over to ESPN when the kids take a nap. Otherwise, I'll have a horrible headache from the daytime yell fest. Oh, and Michigan is going to run the ball through, over, and around Notre Dame.

SportsNation Stuart Scott: (4:15 PM ET ) Take two Tylenol and purple Triaminic for the great with my kids....

Matt (Indy): Wow, so you are as bad a father as a sports announcer. Good to know. is officially a better sports news outlet than

SportsNation Stuart Scott: (4:21 PM ET ) Matt--I'm feeling too nice today. Take the high road.

Not only is Matt a badass....he's a Michigan fan. Cheers Matt! And you have a free post anytime you want to use it, or I'll just send you the bottle of alchohol of your choice. It's up to you.....Have a great weekend (GO BLUE!)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:53 PM 4 Comments Links to this post

Welcome to the Hall

Before I get into our newest inductee I would like to give you my new criteria for someone making it into the AA Hall of Shame:

  1. They need to have recently said something completely ridiculous. (see below)
  2. They need to have a history of saying ridiculous statements. (For that Marcelo Balboa and Dave O'Brien will be sparred......for now. Unless someone can provide me with further evidence.)
  3. They don't necessarily have to be announcers....we've already roasted Skip Bayless, so he's in.
  4. Finally, I have to be to the point where I can't even stand reading, watching, or listening to them. (Goodbye to Dee Brown, Mark Jackson, Orel, and Tino....well Tino was a Yankee so he's staying in. Sorry Sporting Brews.
  5. And lastly the HOS will be a five-level Pyramid......just kidding.
Let's get into it.......welcome your newest member Stuart Scott.

Meeting the Criteria: (I'm ending with #1 because it was too ridiculous. You need the suspense.

2. Hmm where do we start. Here's just a few example on how he's been Awful for years:

  • I'm pretty hip on Urban language...I even have some African-American friends.....they can't understand him either.
  • He is pretty much the reason I don't watch SportsCenter anymore and get all my info from the internet and PTI.
  • He took Chris Berman's catchphrasery (yep, just made a word) and tried to see how far he could take it. Now everyone does it.
  • He repeatedly breaks into other anchors/co-hosts acts. I remember him doing this to Fred Carter all the damn time during NBA games.
  • The best pass Vinny Testaverde ever connected on (one of the only ones) was his eye. That's god telling you something.
  • Two Words: Dream Job
  • Please make one joke and talk about the clip....that's all I'm asking.
  • And finally this quote, "Life. That came from life. That came from--every cookout, every barbecue that you go to with extended family -- we all know somebody named Pookie -- we all know a Knuck-Knuck [sp?], we-- there's a Ray-Ray -- isn't there a Ray-Ray in your family somewhere? In, in your family or your neighborhood there's a Ray-Ray. When there's a big barbecue, Ray-Ray is there, Moeesha Baby Daddy -- we as black America know those people. And that won't -- look - that one's for us. That's just for us. That's not for white America." Let's not perpetuate any stereotypes Stu.
3. Qualifies as a Sportscenter Host.
4. See above point on not being able to watch SportsCenter anymore.


Last night, after WVU crushed MD, Stu went into the highlights to lead off SportsCenter. Speaking on Steve Slaton from WVU he had this to say (and I'm paraphrasing some of this).....

"Slaton goes silly on the Terps. Check this stat....Slaton took over the D-1 Rushing Lead....IN THA FIRST QUARTA!"


In 2nd Place is Garrett Wolfe from Northern might have seen him running for 171 yards against Ohio State. No? Okay well he had 196 last week against Ohio U. Did you see that? You didn't? Okay then.....

DO YOU REALIZE HE IS PLAYING BUFFALO AT HOME TOMORROW?!?!?!?!?! (The same Buffalo that almost gave up 3....that's right....3! 100 yard rushers last week!...127, 99, and 97)

Slaton is sick...don't get me wrong (and was shut down early week 2) but come on Stu who has WVU played? Get cha mind right playa! Welcome to the Hall.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:26 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Colbert Report Video

Couple more items:

  • Got the video from Deadspin
  • Dan Shanoff has a few good points about the airing. In fact he live-blogged it, which I joked about doing to my roommates. He gets points there.
  • His voice wasn't that bad as I remembered. It really has no barring on how I feel about him as a writer, but interesting that it didn't bother me this time (also I made the nasaly voice sexy, so I can't make too much fun).
  • Here are few comments on the video from Deadspinners:
  1. gamenotes says:

    That deer-in-the-headlights look on Simmons at the beginning: eerily similar to the Peyton Manning Face.

  2. wes mantooth says:

    bill simmons wrote a book? he never mentioned this in his columns before, did he?

  3. thirdstringjd said... I've said it before and I'll say it again - for loyalists to Simmons from the Digital City Boston days he has become our Brett Favre.

    Seriously I make apologies for him all the time but the truth of the matter is - he lost his fastball about 4 or 5 years ago and everytime I'm about to give up on him I remember the good old days and I keep crawling back for more.

Yep.....that about sums it up Third String JD.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 1:58 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The Simmons Review- V.12, The Colbert Report

I really think I have only one word for this......Pointless. Seems to be a running theme lately, but this takes the cake.

Highlights: Well about none really.

Lowlights: Basically everything. They talked about USA Basketball, which we've heard a thousand times. Simmons was ultra nervous, which I don't necessarily blame him for, but get it together a bit. My favorite part is him getting booed when he said "Bill Clinton probably throws like a girl." Seriously Bill, what's with all the female bashing stuff. Being a chauvinist isn't really a cool thing to be these days. Plus it's pretty hard to look macho when your standing next to a guy in an Armani exchange shirt. Sorry that picture was just too funny.

I don't even have a grade for this thing because it was so pointless I can't even remember what was said.....and I watched it twice. I'll be back later with some links, and hopefully a video from this last night. But if you care about your precious time on this earth.....don't even watch it after I post it.

(Also, I forgot to mention that I'm adding my first Sports Center luminary to the Hall of Shame later today. Don't miss it. Hint: Starts with Boo.....ends with Yah!)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 10:41 AM 5 Comments Links to this post

The Simmons Review- V.11, Attack of the Clones

Thursday, September 14, 2006

***REMINDER***- Simmons is on The Colbert Report tonight. Be here early tomorrow for a review and discussion (for those of you that haven't heard him speak.....brace yourself.)

Onto Review 11.....

Okay here's my pet peeve #1 out of 430,298 on Sportswriters. Don't Recycle! On the surface it's very annoying, but even moreso you are basically degrading your readers by trying to slip old stuff by them a second time. Sure you have new readers who may not know the "Ewing Theory" or "The Rules in Vegas", but that's what you have archives for. I don't try to throw my Mark Jackson- Point Break piece back on you. Seriously Bill don't forget your Roots.

Well our latest and greatest article comes from the new edition of ESPN: The Mag......Building The Halls of Justice. But before you read that peep this: Pyramid Scheme Could Really Help. And also note that "Pyramid Scheme" was originally wrote in January of 2002 and was a vault article on January 4th of 2004. Does anyone catch where I'm going with this now? Stay with me.......

Reason #1 Not to Recycle: It's pretty easy to figure out that you've recycled old material.

From Halls of Justice (HOJ)- "2. Halls of Fame restructured like pyramids. We'll assign each elected player to a level"

From Pyramid Scheme (PS)- "So why couldn't we transform it into a five-level pyramid -- seriously, an actual pyramid, like a replica of the Luxor casino in Las Vegas -- where elected players are assigned to different levels?"

Reason #2 Not to Recycle: You end up coming up with more ridiculous statements in a sweeping fashion (and not offering any statistical evidence).

HOJ- "There are six elements in sports that simply don't work: sideline reporters, All-Star voting, MVP voting, Halls of Fame, WNBA players participating in NBA All-Star Weekend and TV essays that columnists awkwardly read off of teleprompters.

Here's his résumé: six All-Star Games, one Finals MVP, one second-team All-NBA selection, four first-team All-Defense selections. He was never a franchise player, much less a defining one."
Right, you say a category (All-Star Voting) doesn't work, but then you use it in your criteria of a HOFer? That makes a ton of sense.

"People would argue endlessly about which players belong on which levels. It would be the "Ginger vs. Mary Ann" of sports debates. Is Koufax an "L4" or an "L5"? Does Ryan even make it past "L1"? Does Yaz crack the "L3"s? Should Brooks Robinson, Clemens and Morgan be "L4"s? Should The Eck even be an "L1"? Is Ripken an "L5" because he broke Gehrig's record? What about Barry Bonds, who certainly seems to have the requisite credentials on paper for the Pantheon. And on and on and on ..."
Let me tell you something.....the Hall of Fame isn't for the fans, the teams, or the writers. It's for the player. The reason being, is that you are in a hollowed group of your peers. You are among the the players care if they are better than one another? Probably not.....that's part of what makes them HOFers to begin with.

And Finally Reason #3 Not to Recycle: You contradict your original article.

HOJ- "Halls of Fame restructured like pyramids. We'll assign each elected player to a level, with the shakiest picks (the Phil Rizzuto types) on the first floor; solid guys (the Terry Bradshaw types) on the second; no-brainers (the Wade Boggs types) on the third; defining superstars (the Tom Seaver types) on the fourth; and the pantheon guys (The Babe, MJ and the like) in the penthouse."

PS- "Modern "L1" examples: Carter, Sutton, Phil Niekro, Gaylord Perry, Gossage, Rice, Morris, Catfish Hunter, Wade Boggs, Tony Perez, Lee Smith, Rollie Fingers, Tom Glavine (if he keeps going strong). You get the idea."
So in your magical pyramid scheme Wade Boggs jumps from a "Level 1" to a "Level 3" in just two short years? Wade didn't even make the Hall until 2005, so does that mean he had two miraculous years in between your articles? Oh that's right!!! He retired in 1999. Silly me I forgot about the 5 year waiting period.

So there you have it.....a lesson in not trying to pass old articles as new onto your readers. Just one more sign that you are mailing it in. If you're going to mail it in then just tell us. In fact here's my email: Let me know first.....I'd like to break the story (kinda how you broke the Celtics Trade Story).

(Also: Another Blogger has jumped into the Simmons' Ring: Crazy Little Thing Called Blog)

Welcome Brother.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:01 PM 2 Comments Links to this post