Doug Collins vs. Paula Abdul

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

In the previous post I said Doug Collins is quickly becoming one of my most hated people. Let me elaborate a little.....I still blame him and one Michael Jeffery Jordan for making one of my first jobs out of college dreadful. The two of them single, rather double-handedly put the Washington Wizards in a tailspin they are just now getting out of.

I had to watch a lineup of Jordan, Jerry Stackhouse, Tyronn Lue, Christian Laettner, Byron Russell, and Charles Oakley struggle to try to make the playoffs each year. Well I got a sales job with the Wizards the year after Jordan was forced out and Gilbert Arenas came in. Over 75% of the calls I made to previous "fans" explained that they would no longer support the team because of the way Jordan was "treated". I would literally get in arguments on the phone with them because I would say I would rather take a playoff series than watch an over the hill legend limp around the court. This point is evidenced by two games I went to.....

1) Jordan's third to last game against the Hawks. Jordan had 17 points, but the key was he had a shot at the buzzer to win the game. I remember him getting a wide open look at the FT Line and thinking this would be a defining moment in my Sports Life. Well Jordan bricked that last shot and everyone in attendance felt like they missed something great. They had just lost to the lowly Hawks 101-100, and would proceed to lost to the Knicks and Sixers to close out the season. (In his last game Jordan scored 15 in a loss to the Sixers)

2) Game 6 of the 1st Round Playoff series last year against the Bulls. Besides seeing Walt Williams beat the #7 Tarheels with a buzzer beater courtside, and George Mason beating UConn, this is the most exciting game i've seen live. Somehow Hinrich threw an inbounds pass off of Chris Duhon's back (I sense a theme of Duke F-ups in the NBA) and Jared Jeffries raced down court for a two hand slam. The Bulls then ran a play for Nocioni and he missed a three, Tyson Chandler idiotically took a 2-point shot, and then came the most beautiful sight.....Gilbert Arenas (the same man who I argued to those asses would lead the Wizards to playoffs) grabbed the rebound and threw the ball into the crowd. As confetti flooded the Phone Booth's (MCI Center) floor and fireworks exploded as the buzzer sounded I just started hugging random fans in the upper deck. (My favorite random stat of the game is that Lawrence Funderburke had 2 points in 8 minutes of play....I have no idea how L Fun got playing time in the playoffs)

Now which of those games sounds like it was more fun? There take that random Wizards bandwagon fans!!! And take that Douglas Collins and MJJ! Okay I feel better now......on to the Awful Announcing.

I'm going to count these down in Letterman format....but my Top 10 will actually be funny. But first a little background on our announcer-du-jour Mr. Paul Douglas Collins. Before Dougie got Hair Plugs and dyed his hair Blonde (seriously wtf!?!), he was most notably remembered for being one of the best players for the 1972 United States national basketball team. The United States was undefeated in Olympic basketball competition history, and widely expected to remain undefeated after these Olympics. After Collins had hit two clutch free throws, the time had apparently expired in the gold medal game; the United States had a 50-49 lead and seemed to have secured yet another gold medal. However, in a very controversial move, it was decided by the game's referees that there were still three seconds left to play, allowing the Soviet Union to have one more chance, which they utilized to make a lay-up, and give the United States its first ever Olympic loss by a 51-50 margin. Collins and his teammates have remained upset of the outcome of the game ever since, and refused their silver medals.

Now Collins has every right to be upset at the blatant fix, but this Holier-than-thou ego carried over as a coach and as an announcer. On to the countdown!

10. Doug's Keys of the game for the Suns......."The Suns must Rebound/The Suns must shoot 3's better." That is what was put up on the screen, but Collins says nothing. So what you're saying Dougie is that the team who rebounds and scores will win? Great insight Joe Theisman.
9. "A monday night Game 7 would really help the Suns." Doug, you think?! It's would be a home game ass. But how about they just win the next two and win the series?
8. "Game 5, such a deciding game." Well if the series was 3-1 yes, but it's 2-2. Maybe the Monday night Game 7 would be a bit more deciding.
7. "They are doubling Steve Nash and what the Suns are doing is going to the open areas to make shots" No really?!?!
6. "Nash might only score 6 to 8 points tonight" Besides the fact that Nash is the MVP, he is averaging almost 20 points in the playoffs. The other reason this is retarded is because he said it with 9:31 left in the 1st Quarter!!! (Nash had 9 points in the 2nd Quarter alone)
5. He repeatedly calls Vladamir Radmanovic "Vlade" and then throws out this gem, "With Vlade Divac and Vlade Radmanovic were starting the Vlade Revolution" Yes Douglas, two people with that name comprise a revolution.
4. "The Phoenix Suns are on a 8-1 Run!!!" He said this with such inflection that I thought it was going to be something ridiculous like a 40-4 run. Question PDC, can a run be defined as 8-1?
3. "Being a guy who scored in this league a little bit it's important to get to the Free Throw Line" I really only added this one because it shocked me so much last night, but today I looked up his stats and they weren't that bad. 17.9 ppg over 8 seasons in Philly. But his ego oozed out of the TV with that statement.
2. "Multiple Shots will wear you down." I don't even know how to disect this one. He didn't even specify whether this was on offense or defense.

and drum roll please.....................

At #1 we have a tie!!!!

"Shawn Marion was at the 3 Point Line and tipped the ball in....that's when he's at his best!"
Okay this is just ridiculous. When I double checked the play the Suns only got two points. But he's also saying that Shawn Marion is the best when he's at the three point line? This is the same Shawn Marion that had 6 offenisve rebounds last night right? The same Matrix that shot 31% from behind the arc in the regular season, and 21% in the playoffs? Okay just checking.

"You are in good voice tonight"~ Paula Abdul
I really like to specialize in sports, but this was just too blatantly ridiculous. But if I was on Pain Killers and taking shots from the giant plastic Coke glass on the table in front of me I couldn't function either.

....So there you have it. I'll let you make the call on who wins the battle. More Basketball tonight, and I can only hope that John Thompson is doing one of the games.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:49 PM


I think the Shawn Marion comment was regarding his hustle.

Geoff said...
Nov 27, 2006, 6:04:00 PM  

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