"...and the #1 way to be a champion in business, pretend you have HIV so people feel bad for you and give you lots of money."

"Don't do men."

Magic should release a book entitled: "32 Ways to ruin a talk show."

"And Tip #1 is, don't listen to Isiaih Thomas"

***SIGH*** Yes I know what MAGIC stands for...My Ass Got Infected Coach. Does anybody else have anymore questions? No? Ok good I'm outta here.

BTW AA do you want all of us to go to hell with this pic? Throw up another softball next time.

Not Pictured:

Isiah Thomas and his new book "11 (+ infinity) Ways to Bankrupt a League, Destroy a Storied Franchise, Blame Your Daughter for your Attempted Suicide and Still Have Your Dignity."

"Did you ever know that you're my heee-rooooo?"

No particular relevance to Magic, just what it looked he was saying.

Come on guys, my book is about being a champion in business, not as a coach. Does anyone have a question about my book? Anyone?

Yes, I actually had 33 of em, and 33 was the best, but that was Larry Bird's number and I didn't want to use his number, I wanted to use mine.

"With this new writing ability that I have attained..."

And, most importantly, #32...Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

"...and I'll throw in reason #33 for FREE: stylish ties. You hear that, Donovan? Make 'em stylish."

"Words are like bullets, And I let 'em pass right through me."

Craig Shoemaker? Why are you working the register at this store??

1. 3TC, 2. Abacavir, 3. Amprenavir, 4. Atazanavir, 5. Atripla, 6. AZT,...,31. Trizivir, 32. Truvada

"Damn, why couldn't coach have given me #5 for my uniform?"

Audience Member: "Um, Mr. Johnson, I'm not much of a reader, I was wondering if there would be an audio book, and could you condense to an hour?"
Magic: "Yes, there will be a one hour audio book, the title is still in the works."
Audience Member: "How about calling it the Magic Hour?"
Magic: "The Magic Hour, what a great name. Hmm, I remember a talk show called that?"
Audience Member: "Yes, you were in it, it is a shame that Sheila E was the show's downfall."
Magic: "Aww, damn, I remember. That was gonna be number 33."

So MJ bet Charles, Oak, and me $200,000 that we couldn't write a book. Charles was too busy living in 1993, we haven't seen Oak in about 2 years since the All Star game in Vegas, and I haven't had anything to do in about a decade, so we gots to make Jordan pay up.

"You stay classy, New York. I'm Magic Johnson?"

Where overpriced memorabilia and over-payed authors come together...the NBA Store, it's faaaaaaaaantastic!

Step 1: Play basketball, start chain of movie theaters, fail as talk show host
Step 2: ?
Step 3: 32 Ways To Be A Champion in Business

"...and yes, Larry Bird is, was and always will be my bitch on the court."

#32 Wear a striped tie. Damn, I'm out of ideas. I wish I wore #4 instead.

Magic: Yes I know Charles Barkley said this book was Turrible...

Just missing the cut at #33, starting your own talk show...

Magic: These are my 32 ways to be a champion in business and behind this curtain are the 32 women that might have given me HIV.

Audience Member: Oh no he didn't

since lammy called it out so well.

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared"

followed by the benny hill music and david stern pulling magic off stage with a 10 foot hook from stage left.

"Way #1... play for Michigan State.

Way #2... play for the Lakers.

Way #3... play for the Olympic team.

Way #4... keep playing for the Lakers..."

Magic: "No. I don't know what bridge Sheila E. is living under. I just know she ain't living 'The Glamorous Life' now."

Magic: 32 ways, that's one for every day of the week. Or is it month? Aww man, someone was su'sposed to write this down for me.

"The following paid advertisement in no way reflects the views of this station."

And now.... ladies and gentlemen... it's time for everyone's favorite late night talk show... The Magic Hour!!!

"Friends, I'd like to talk to you about something serious. I have found a new way to clean up your spills, and it is amazing. Welcome to the Magic Hour of Soaking up Spills with the SHAMWOW!!!"

You do know that I am Magic "F'ing" Johnson right.

Uh, Magic, what if people think a guy's a hero, but he was really just lucky?

Don't worry. Sooner or later, people like that are exposed as the frauds they are.

Looks like Magic thought twice about the book's working title, "If I Took Advantage of Business Oppurtunities Simply Because My Business Rivals Felt Sorry for Me Due to the Fact that They Were Under the Impression that I Was Living with the HIV Virus, Here's How It Happened."

U is Unce! Tice! Fee tines a mady...and I wub u....

"No - I don't know why Karl Malone won't touch my book..."

Magic:...but the most memorable thing in my career was introducing "Howard Stern and the Losers" on my show

The new book also comes with a free copy of the new instructional video "Magics Touch:how to avoid AIDS" hell even the book comes with an auio version with the background from ESPN'S countdown show.
"Few athletes are truly unique, changing the way their sport is played with their singular skills"
SO stick to to one skill Magic

... yes sir he did, David Stern did have final editing power... He added the words for all 32 of my drawings.

And I did NOT have sexual relations with that girl... there would be evidence.

"Where I got this tie is none of your business"

The book would have been titled "The Gospel of Magic" so you would have my "Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates" quote as the subtitle, but A.C. Green told me sinners don't write gospels.

"Yes Jim, this was my second choice of a business venture... The Trojan campaign fell through due to undisclosed reasons."

Rule 17: My couch pulls out, but I don't

Magic: "Fortunately for me, my AIDS and tie appeal very strongly to the gay community, so I'm able to get a lot of business there."

Thank God Gretzky already had #99. Whew.

"Numba fo'. I know you this one befo'. Never get high off your own supply."

"Hello. Are you a female high school dropout between the age of 16 and 25? Are you tied of doors being slammed in your face when you apply for a job? In 6 short weeks I can train you to be a high-paying ho. It's a known fact that a high-paying ho can make up to 1500 dollar a week. Sound too good to be true? Just send for my new book, titled "I Wanna be a Ho" "

Which leads me to my next point: there is ALWAYS money in the Banana Stand

Tip #27: Don't engage in insider trading for mamma.com.

Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.

Obviously one of the 32 ways is to accept all free meals offered by other businessmen.

"And in conclusion, money cures everything.... even AIDS"

..and tip #32 is: You have to get yourself a "Magic Johnson".

Saaaved byyyy Maaa-gic, Saaaved byyy Maaa-gic...

"Who wants to see my magic johnson?!?"

Well, obviously you start with a successful NBA career and then apply these 32 simple steps...why is that so hard for you people to understand?

You see business is like a hooker...a nasty hooker who's infected with cooties and lets you do anything to her for the right price...

Readers were dissappointed to discover that the tip involving curing HIV was simply listed as "magic baby".

#17 - Fake AIDS.

And tonight on the Magic Hour, we have Mark Cuban on the Secrets and Strategy of Stock Trading

Magic Johnson realizes that Q&A was an especially bad idea after the first 3 questions are about The Magic Hour.

Incidentally, 32 is the number of episodes of the "Magic Hour" before it was canceled.

Has Tommy Davidson been hiding in Magic's stomach since they canceled the "Magic Hour"? (That question would make perfect sense if anyone actually watched the magic hour, you see he was Magic's "sidekick".)

Magic: "You know, enough about the talk show. I don't want to talk about the past. This is a book that's going to help you be a champion in business... uh, did I mention I have HIV?"

Just missed the cut:
#33- Host a late night television show that sets back black entertainers another 15 years.

#34- Wake up one day, decide you want to coach the Lakers, get bored and quit.

#35- Make a comeback as a 300 pound point/forward who gets suspended for throwing an offical against a scorers table.

Magic "No. Bill Walton did not take my book and write in it with crayon. He prefers pastels because he can draw pretty pictures."

Excerpt from "32 Ways to be a Champion in Business"

# 13 - VELCRO SHOES - "Think of all the time you will save not having to tie your shoes everyday. 10 minutes? 30? Wrong it has been scientifically proven that Magic gets 2 extra hours of productivity by not having to tie and re-tie his shoes all day everyday. Now trade in your wingtips for some Velcro New Balances and get back to work you laceless champion."

Step #1 Hire Lenny Dykstra

Step #2 Hire a translator

You can triple your stock portfolio in just 3 short weeks with the tips that I got. Thanks Mark Cuban!

"No, I don't really do magic. It's just a nickname. No, I'm not going submerge myself underwater, what kind of an ass-clown does that?"

WHAT?!?! THEY HAVE TIES IN FOOTBALL????

Rule #32: Don't associate with this guy named Mark Cuban.

"One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... "

So, in conclusion, you too can beat this horrible disease. All you need to do is have hope... And an ungodly amount of Money.

"..and in no time, you too can go from having unprotected orgies with hookers to owning movie theaters in the ghetto. Yes, its that easy!"

Not to be confused with: 32 Ways to Destroy a Business, by Isiah Thomas

Magic: "Thanks for the questions, now please stick around for a Q-and-A with A.C. Green about his new book: '32 Ways to Spend a Saturday Night Without Doing the Business'"

MJ: ...Way #31: Election day is just around the corner. Be sure to get out and vote.
Way #32: Don't Hassle the Hoff.

On the basketball court, I was the king of assists. And now I want to assist you.....in making money! It used to be my job to feed A.C. Green, and now it's my job to feed you that green! Why spend all your time dropping dimes, when you could be making dimes! Please, let 32, help you!

Look for my next book, 32 ways I am trying desperately to be as popular as Charles Barkley. Available soon.

The first rule to being a champion in business is you do not talk about being a champion in in business. The second rule to being a champion in business is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT BEING A CHAMPION IN BUSINESS!

Way #31: Start your own talk show.
Way #32: Hire Sheila E to play the drums on said talk show.

And there folks, is how you become a champion in business.

Sing with me:

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Tip 1: No excuses, play like a champion

Tip 16: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Tip 32: I'm rich, bitch!

Alas, you know the economy is in the tanks when people are so desperate for business advice that they turn to Magic Johnson.

The local Barnes and Noble decided not to allow Johnson to do a book signing so he went to lecture the NBA fans at the NBA Store on how to win a business in just 32 points

I can't even make a joke. Its 17 g-Damn years later, and Magic Johnson looks just as healthy as ever. How many AIDS does he have?

Magic Johnson announces he is replacing Reggie Theis as the new coach on "Hang Time", only to be told the show was cancelled nearly 10 years ago.

Local Reporter: Magic, Could there be anything worse in life than working with Stu Scott, Jon Barry, and Mike Wilbon on a daily basis?

Magic: (Thinking...)(Thinking...)(Chuckles and Answers...) Well actually no sir, I cannot think of anything at this moment.

"If it McComes from where I McThink it does, I don't wanna McEat it!"

yes, i do know what you are thinking. I will be on espnews to promote my book, and join the cast of Sunday NFL Countdown for continued insight

"Seriously guys, an injection of concentrated cash cures HIV. Oh, you guy's aren't that rich?" (quietly steps back hoping nobody notices).

Wait a minute. Reggie Theus was a coach on Hang Time? Damn, that's how he got the Kings' job!

You really wanna know? Well the real story is that I had unprotected sex. That's that. That's easy.

Yes, the subtitle is "It all starts with a kiss from Isiah!"

2-32 is dont hire Isaiah to do anything.

I'm not even gonna tell you what 1 is.

"I'm Magic Johnson and I approved this message."

"So what's the deal with airplane peanuts?"

Phase 1: Get AIDS
Phase 2 : ????
Phase 3: Profit!

Hey, frigiddevil, that joke's been played out at 1:45 PM by gmoney.

I'm not just sure, I'm HIV Positive.

"I have called this conference to inform the public... that I WILL be accepting the nomination to Obama's Cabinet as his Minister of AIDS prevention... Questions? .... What do you mean he was just joking?"

Crap, you're right jamescraven,my bad gmoney.


Ok, I want everyone to listen, cuz I'm only gonna say this once.Condoms...feel...wierd!

And Tip #1... if your gonna screw a hooker make sure you've got the bank to pay for the HIV meds.

"And now I'll turn things over to our other guest speaker, "The Mailman" Karl Malone...yes Karl, we have a different microphone you can use."

Here is one of the 5% who voted for McCain

Next question comes from Mr. Mike Rotchburns. Mike are you still here? Does anyone know Mike Rotchburns? Come Mike Rotchburns...you here?

Magic's Inner Monologue: Okay, okay, calm down. Just picture the audience naked. That's what they say, right? Darn, not working. What if I picture them in tiny green basketball shorts, a pair of converse and a cheesy blond mustache. Ah yeah, a room full of Larry's. Much better.

Ladies and gentlemen, a man that makes as much sense as his former flame Paula Abdul, let's give it up for Earvin "Magic" Johnson!!