And the light from the Police chopper quickly finds Mark Cuban. Martha's empty cell awaits, my friend...

"Come ON! This is my last non-striped shirt!"

Cuban: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!

Mark Cuban prepares for a cloudy future by showing his prison shower face

Jane Clayson: Mark, how about that insider trading accusation?

Mark: I just want to focus on buying the Cubs and owning a team that can't make it past the first round of the playoffs.

"C'mon guys, don't shoot. It was only money. I'll give it back, I promise!"

Mark Cuban giving Charlotte a taste of his O face.

Well hellllllllllooooooooooo Mr. Fancypants.

Macho, macho maaaan
I got to be
a macho man!

Here we have a picture of Mr. Cuban seated with all of his good friends.

Dribble ball inside guys they have bad centers I have insider information

Mark Cuban on finding out the SEC he's been dealing with isn't actually the SouthEastern Conference

Background music: Bad Boys...Bad Boys...Bad Boys...Bad Boys

Cuban: "The bitch set me up"

YYYAAAWWNNN. Wow, I just had a horrible dream. I dreampt I was watching a Bobcats game.

"FRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!"

We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Securities and Exchange Commission who have chosen to join us here in the American Airlines Center at this time. We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the game, and please remember people that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive there are still some things that make us all the same. Me, you, them, everybody, everybody!

SEEEEEEEEEEELL!!! SELL! SELL! SELL!

"People have got to know whether or not their NBA owner is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."

Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?

PA: "...and the winner of tonight's trip to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison is row A..."

Cuban: "oh my god, oh my god"

PA: "...Seat 1! Congrats to the lucky fan"

Cuban: "OH MY GOD!! I didn't even hear him, what did I win? ..Oh seriously? damn. well, can I take Dirk with me at least? I can? YAYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

Mark Cuban is preparing himself for Federal 'Pound Me in the Ass' Prison.

Cuban: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Insider Trading?? INSIDER TRADING? You think you can do this to ME?! You m#*$#$*&#$ers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get through with you!! Who the F#@* you think you F#$*&in with?? I'M THE OWNER!! I RUN S#@* HERE!! KING KONG AIN'T GOT S#*% ON ME!!

Mark Cuban's line of "How To Old People-Dance" videos will always be a hot seller.

Unfortunately for Cuban, he misunderstood his PR head's email about "not having to worry about Jason Kidd anymore."

By the power of Greyskull - I HAVE THE POWER!!!

(as the recently installed stock market scrolling display rolls)

Mark Cuban: "Oh no, I sold the wrong shares, I'll be forced to start Shawn Bradley once again, please take me away now, I surrender!"

My lawyer said to raise the arms to accentuate my beltless tuck... No ones been convicted of insider trading with a beltless tuck since the Johnson administration.

Insider trading was a lot better choice then owning the Cubs... they take it up the pie hole a lot more each year then I ever will in jail.

What the hell is mamma.com anyway?

We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Cuban, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer!

"But Warden! I need a belt in prison! How else can I protect my cornhole!!!!"

VICTOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A little Johnny Drama for you.

"The SEC? *YAWN* The only person I fear is David Stern."

Those SEC guys thought it was Mamma.com, but I really bought Pappa.com! They'll never catch me!

I got your PIPE financing right here

"Damn it! I knew I should have stuck with the Orange Crop speculations this year!"

Hi AA, I was the winner of the Magic Johnson comment, but my profile wasn't visible until today - so if you checked for my email address earlier, may not have seen it.

Thanks,
Ed

Voice from off camera: "Mark, your brother's not well. We better call an ambulance."

Mark: "Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want this game restarted right now. Get those players back out here. Turn those shot clocks back on! Turn those shot clocks back on!!!"

Blue Horse Shoe Loves Anacot Steel.

"Attica! Attica! Attica!"

I Saved that 750,000 on Mamma.Com to spend on Stephon Marbury when he gets cut by the Knicks.

After the unprecedented move by the SEC to take its case to the Maury Povich show, Mark Cuban celebrates upon learning that he is........NOT the felon!

Cuban: "D-Fence!" (clap - clap), "D-Fence!" (clap - clap). "Come on D!"

Judge: "Mr. Cuban, please no yelling while the prosecution makes its case."

Cuban falls for the old "open your mouth without showing your teeth" trick.

"The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew you were no good."

This is what happens when Mark Cuban appears on Don't Forget the Lyrics

Mark Cuban: "I did not committ insider training with that website."

Mark Cuban celebrating Jason Kidd's only 2 points of the game, imagine how he would celebrate if he had a real point guard like Devin Harris.

Cops: PUT YOUR HANDS UP, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

MC: Shit, who told you I'd be here...I knew Avery was a snitch.

Smart of Cuban to already remove his belt. They wont allow that where he is going.

Cuban: DO NOT PUT ME IN SOLITARY!!!

(Gary Glitter's Rock n Roll - Part Two plays in the background)

"Na nah nah nah nah-nah nah-nah - FRAUD!! Na nah nah nah nah-nah!! Na nah nah nah nah-nah nah-nah - FRAUD!! Na nah nah nah nah-nah!!"

YIPEE! I can still get my daily mocha frappuccino with cinnamon and sprinkles in minimum security prison!

Wahooooo! I'm getting Martha's old cell.

@mike should have read Yahoo! due the connection to yahoo!...err...

Mamma.com
Fraud?
Federal sentence?
Likely.

WILDCARD, BITCHES!

Twice a game, Mark practices the pose he will soon face against a shower wall in prison.

Give it up for Gay Russian Army urkel, everybody!

(If you don't watch The Soup and look at clips from Yo Gabba Gabba! on that show, you'll never get the injoke.)

Depressed with the notion he will not be able to buy the Cubs, the Mavs are struggling, and the SEC is breathing down his neck, a light bulb comes on above his head that brings his world back into perspective: "I HAVE A LOT MORE MONEY THAN ALL OF YOU BASTARDS COMBINED!"

"Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for meeee, for MEEEEEEE!"

Now in prison, I'll still be able to use the weight bench, see, but it's not going to interfere with servicing my cell mate. Allow me to demonstrate.

Matt Stairs couldn't have meant THIS when he said it was great to have all the guys hammering his ass!

I'm so excited, I'm so excited!....I'm so scareddddd.......


(Come on, someone had to do it)

Oh My God, I Hope I can Scream my way out of insider trading!

SELL SELL SELL!!!

"Hey Dirk - is Germany a non-extradition country?"

DON'T WALK! (DO IT FOR THE YOUNG ONESSS!!) DON'T WALK! (Extra steps will give you bunyons.)

What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
Oh, baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more

What is love
Yeah

Oh, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong
Gimme a sign

Yeah! I just cornered the market on copies of Zork III!

YES!

BEAST MODE

By the power of Greyskull...I HAVE THE POWER!!!

Dammit Donaghy, I told you I'd stay quiet on yours if you didn't tell on me!

Cuban: I ain't strapped, I ain't involved, yo. I ain't involved in none of that gangster bullshit...what y'all want, man? Money?

Cop: You still don't get it, do you? This ain't about your money, bro. Your boy gave you up. That's right. And we ain't had to torture his ass neither!

Cuban: Well, it doesn't seem like I can do anything to change y'all's minds
(extended silence)
Cuban: WELL, GET ON WITH IT MOTHERF-
(Shots ring out)

The NBA: Where '80's style tucked in sweatshirts happen

IT WAS THE DUKES! IT WAS THE DUKES!

Here Cuban is complaining about a reaching in call against the Mavs. Little does he know how much "Reaching In" will be done where he's going...

Come on now ... No wammies! No wammies! No waaaammmieeesss!!!

...

The US government looking into insider trading. Fuck... i crapped out!

Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!

Jumbotron flashes


"YYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSS! The SEC finally found my belt too"

Mom! Meatloaf! @#%^!

S - E - C! S - E - C! Wait, am I not in the Georgia Dome?

MC: They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the f***ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.

MC: I had a very strong work ethic. The problem was my ethics in work.

Cuban: "Oh no, Oh no. The cops are coming. What do I do, what do I do?.. OK act natural, act natural. You didn't do anything.. Oh no, yes I did. (Cuban balls up like a cat and starts crying).. I knew I shouldn't have built my entire life on the teachings of Gordon Gekko..

Cop: Sir.. Mr. Cuban.

Cuban: (still crying) Alright you can take me to jail now.

Cop: Sir its me Mike, you know the head of security for the stadium.

Cuban: Oh ok, (Cuban stands up slowly, wipes snot from his face) What is it?

Cop: This guy just tried to use a stolen credit card to buy a jersey.

Cuban: Take him to jail, we don't tolerate that around here.

Mr. Cuban, I'll give you a choice. You can either go to pound-you-in-the-ass prison and meet new friends, or stay here in Charlotte and be Jordan's assistant with the Bobcats.

Whooooo! Can I have Martha Stewart's cell?

I needed 750,000 more reasons to live!

If I were a mime, this is how I would put my hands up against the wall.

Mark Cuban doing the African Anteater Ritual while singing "Can't Buy Me Chaaaaaampions."

"I'm the king of the worl...., wait what was that?" I guess sharting is real. I never should have eaten Stern's fish tacos.

STEEELLLLLAAAAAAA!!!

Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper (errr - mamma.com) , but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.

ATTENTION FANS - IF YOU ALL GIVE ME 100 DOLLARS BEFORE YOU LEAVE I WON'T HAVE TO DUMP THIS STOCK THAT I ILLEGALLY FOUND OUT WILL LOSE MONEY. CUBAN - OUT!

I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with kung-fu grip!

If you've been charged with insider trading, stand up and yell.
If you've been charged with insider trading, stand up and yell.
If you've been charged with insider trading, and you really want to show it, stand up and yell.

Who wants to sex Muto...Cuban!?!?

We're "Woo Girls!" WOOOOO!

I was in the pool! I WAS IN THE POOL!

DOOOOOOOOONNNNNAAAGGGGGGHHHHHYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Cube: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Guard: What Happened?!
Cube: (whimpering) I..I..dropped the soap....
Guard: Good thing you're rich, maybe you can be a trophy wife.

Serenity now!!!!

"Mom! Bathroom! Bathroom!"

Cuban: This is how you do pull-ups in the yard! Ain't no Bloods, Crips. Lowriders, Aryan Brotherhoods or Nuestra Familias going to be fucking with Mark Cuban!

Mark Cuban sees a stock market update on the Jumbo-Tron and quietly celebrates. His little stock tip has paid off, and nobody is the wiser.

Saved by Zero!!!!!!

maya heeeee! maya hooooooooo! maya haaaaaaaaaa! maya haahaa! maya heeeee! maya hooooooooo! maya haaaaaaaaaa! maya haahaa! (Numa Numa song)

About to return $750,000 to the SEC, how desperate is Mark Cuban to win a free copy of NCAA Basketball 09 from AA?

*Puts hands up*

This much!

Cuban: Wow, these cavity searches are a breeze.

Warden: Yeah, well we're just getting started, Sir.

Whoo! I just saved a bunch money by switching to insider trading!! Hoochie Mamma.com!

Ahhh...what a great nap! What are all these people doing in my bedroom...oh man, I must be having the dream where I own a crummy basketball team. Wake up Mark, WAKE UP!

Insider trading jokes...too easy.

The NBA marketing department is working on a couple new slogans:

The NBA where whitecolar crimal owners happens.
Where poundmeuptheass prisons happens.
Where good seats in Charlotte are still available happens.

The wacky Mark Cuban reminds us that many celebrities have gone to jail and still maintained a successful career in the public eye. In part 3 of his one man show, he channels Tim Allen. Cuban gets the Tool-Time themed audience enthused by tucking an early-90's style long-sleeve sports tee into a beltless pair of lee jeans, then throws his arms in the air and grunts about how powerful a tool he is, er... how powerful his tool is.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice..

(Russ Granik): "You did it, Sir."

(David Stern): "I did nothing. Except get caught with my britches down."

--Pause--

(DS): "Speaking of getting caught with your britches down..."

(RG): "Little Fidel sure has his shower wall / invisible glass pose down pretty well."

(DS): "Indeed... indeed."

Michael Strahan arrives with a free stick of Right Guard after all 20 people in the Bobcats Arena pass out due to Mark Cuban's B.O.

KHAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T!

Cuban: Yes! That's how you defend!

Black Guy sitting behind him: Does this mean I can't join the team?

Cuban: Yeessssssssssssss!

Guy: (sighs) I was hoping to help the team play D for all four quarters.

Cuban: I can get Dennis Rodman for that. Oh wait......

CUBAN: OH MYY GOOOOOOD!! It's the Jonas Brothers!

Cuban just comes to the realization that the team he assembled to fight the insider trading charge, doesn't know how to defend either. NOOOOOOOOO!!!

"I like to picture Jesus with giant eagles wings singing lead for Lynyrd Skynryd with like a giant angel band, and I'm in the front row just hammered drunk"

Belts are for poor people.

We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight. And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Securities and Exchange Commission who have chosen to join us here in the Time Warner Cable Arena at this time. We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the game, and please remember people that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive there are still some things that make us all the same. Me, you, them, everybody, everybody!

*update to previous caption because I'm an idiot.

Mark Cuban, having agreed to turn state's evidence, celebrates his entry into the Witness Protection Program after the Feds relocate him to the most out-of-the-way place guaranteed that no one will find him - a Charlotte Bobcats game.

"I wonder if there are Eiffel Towers in prison?"

How do these jeans look on me? Does my ass look weird? How bout my male camel-toe. It's like a three thing...it's like ball, dick, ball. Division symbol.

Look, It's the African ant eater ritual!

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed -- you mark my words -- will not only save the Dallas Mavericks, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.