Home Run Derby- Live Blog Stylee

Monday, July 10, 2006

Is everyone ready for some half-assed Live Bloggin? If you are looking for a much more Non-Announcer (Chris Berman) go to RedSox Chick Okay let's do this thing......

7:52- Below are the jerseys that the AL and NL All-Stars will be wearing. Somewhere the designers of the World Football League Jerseys are smiling.

7:59- Swing Batta Batta Swing Batta Batta Swang. Seriously Worst song ever. And we have Country at the MLB All-Star game. We're comin' to your Citay!

8:02- COWBOY TROY WHAT!?!?!

8:04- "If you want a little in your Ching Chang come along" Oh and I will Big and Rich....I will.

8:09- Our first Berman sighting....."Are you ready for some long ball?" No nicknames in the intros....I'm upset. Say it ain't so Christopher! Karl Ravech, Joe Morgan, and the Krukster are in the outfield, but protected by a screen.

8:12- Rule changes: HRs carry over from the 1st round, slate wiped clean starting with the Final Two. I don't understand how that's different but okay? "We had a flyover a few minutes ago, and Harold we're about to have a flyover of some baseballs"

8:14- Does there really need to be a first pitch of the Home Run Derby. Either way, Maz gets a standing O......and throws a ball. Let's go Ryan Howard.....coming in at 7-2 odds.

8:17- Tejada up. "What a thrill for those kids to shag balls"-CB. Why are they all talking at the same time? Stop going to the Baseball tonight crew at the same time! Followed by a 4 hour diatribe on how Tejada's mood has changed since the B-12 allegations. I'm pretty bored all ready. "Well the fence shorter the distance is longer for righties"- CB....uh what? Someone explain that to me please. "Solid Gold there....maybe that's what he needs....the gold ball"-CB

Three for Miggy, and we get a shot of Ortiz with his kid and Berman pulls this out, "Big Papi actually being a Big Papi." Oh god here we go.

8:27- Berkman coming up.....and Wow!!!!! Chris Berman is taking a batter off!!! That's just crazy. First one into the river.....looked foul to me. Okay Berman is back....whew. "Doesn't matter it's wet." "Berkman from Texas and they make things big in Texas, and Berkman needs a big finish here" "Kayak city out there!" That's right CB.....there it is. Keep em' coming.

Lance Berkman is weak as well.....just three....the other Miggy is coming up now.

8:33- Berman gets another break between batters....he gets needs time to replenish his Puns. Okay guys it's not Baseball Tonight let's not talk over each other. Bonnie Bernstein is there.....so that's good. Ivan Rodriguez says something about the reason the Tigers are better in the record books is because of winning. "How about his uh...leap on the Post season er stage" Can Berman form a sentence anymore? And there's our first voice crack of the night from Berman "POOooooOOjols."

"Little Baby Face"- HR describing Cabrera....."Is this one a Baby or is it....yes! Gone!"- CB.

Cabrera with nine......he's too tired. Stupid Rookies. Glaus up next.

8:47- Troy Glaus is up....as I grab a Keystone Light. Don't even know how those made it into my house. "Yikes....way up there and gone" I'm still hoping a kid climbs the wall one day. Good call on Troy Glaus Kruster. Did Kruk just say, "Not to be a Heroin"? Um what? "Now the Golllld......oh wait he's done. Good save Bermski. David Wright coming up.....

8:54- Paul Lo Duca pitches to David Wright....interesting move there. The Baseball Tonight Crew is so f'ing boring it's ridiculous......they don't even talk about the batter at all. "Did he get too much air on that? No,.....2nd Deck."- KR, close call there Karl. Does Joe Morgan ever stop laughing at his own jokes?

New drinking rule- Everytime the huge "kid" in the outfield steals a ball from a little kid drink a beer.

Wow Wright is putting on show......"He hits this one all the way to Sulwicky!"- CB. And there's our first Pennsylvania reference. YES! "This ball is just pounded to McKeysPort" That's two, as David Wright's OH DAMNs are bleeped out, and we can't hear CB's OHs! Wright hits 16.

Oh Davey.....you're so Dreamy! Even moreso on the SloMo Cam.....JDye coming up.

9:09- AJ Pyez in the Booth! Is his kid missing a chin too? Is something like that genetic? I'm still upset by Chris Berman taking off parts of innings....."AJ you're like pigpen from Charlie Brown" They bring Berman in and he continues to interupt AJ and the gang. "It's gone to Upper St. Claire"-CB "He that one almost to Erie- AJ, "Almost"-CB. (Berman is thinking.....STOP TAKING MY BIT YOU JACKASS....so he makes fun of AJ's daughter) "How come your daughter is so polite?" Nice exchange....two dicks don't ever make a right though.

9:16- A very old Professor tells us how to hit one into the Allegheny....good piece ESPN.

9:17- I think he can hit it all the way to the Confluence"- CB and then somehow takes us by river to Three Rivers Stadium. Just insane.....I can't believe it! Fight each other in the Kayaks! Wow two into the Alligator River! Good stuff. "Some serious Trombones"-CB, talking about the top three distances.....WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!!!! Seriously, someone explain that to me. "Swimming Swimming the Crawl Stroke beats the Breast Stroke" Yes CB it does.

Damn, Ortiz just hit the ball over the BTonight Tent. BoSox Siobhan said...
Why does Berman persist in pronouncing "Big Papi" like "pap" smear? Very good point. Just another reason to hate him.

My boy Howard is comin' up....

9:31- Okay D Howard let's do this for the money.....all we need is 8. "You almost got a guy in a kayak out there"- CB to Ortiz. "He tried to get Kruk that's why"- HR officially hates the Krukster. "I wanna say what's up to my man Willie Harris"- Ortiz. Happy Birthday Deangelo....obviously named after the D'Angelo that sang Brown Sugar.

***UPDATE***- No YWM,L sighting as of yet.....keep your eyes peeled! DHow was clutch and keeps my 7-2 bet alive! On to the 2nd round.

9:45- David Wright up....."This good be the House of David here in Pittsburgh."-CB, umm what exactly is the House of David? Hahaha.....thanks kid! Keep robbing Wright. That kid is way too tall for a six foot wall, but anything so Howard and Ortiz are in the final. At least two of Wright's Dingers were arguably over. More golf references from Berman. "While others golfers are in the clubhouse" Berman botches where Wright is actually from...he says Norfolk, VA....it's Chesapeake, VA.

"Looks like the division winner is going to get in the playoffs"- Mark Loretta, Wow thanks Mark! Didn't know that.

9:52- Papi up as Pap Smear is in the BTonight booth. I didn't realize that Papelbon was such a degenerate.....seriously who beats on the home run Derby????? Um...yea....Moving On. "Maybe he needs Ravy to get late (sounds like laid) into his at bats here"- CB with the sexual innuendo! Berman turns Back, Back, Back into Paddle, Paddle, Paddle.....just retarded. "Got a message from Sam "Little Big" Horn, and he has a song out called Come to Papi".....Message to Deadspin, FIND THAT CLIP!!!!!!!!!

10:02- Miggy 2.0 up.....he's apparently on the "Highway to the Final Round" thanks Karl. "He said he pulled a Harold and Cabrera is pulling a rabbit out of HIS hat"- CB, He's officially lost it. "Cabrera knows Ryan Howard can thunder right behind him"-CB, more innuendo.

So Ryan Howard needs a total of 15.....

If you get bored with this turn it over to VH1 and watch the Pop Culture Trivia Challenge. How am I not on this show? I demand a recount!

10:10- Howard up....needs eight. DO IT! "Boomer, that is a Bomb"- HR Phil Garner's nickname is ScrapIron.....great name. "Thanks Bonnie, and these guys are dodging balls again"- CB, referring to the BBall Tonight booth. More Freudisms from Leather. One Homer left to get into the playoff two to win it. At least four people drowned on that 8th homerun.

There's only one charity you have to worry about Mr. Howard and that's my gambling account.

AND HERE'S YOUR FINAL- WRIGHT VS. HOWARD.....come on Ryan....one for the money.

10:23- And we're on to our "Penalty Shootout"....thanks Berman....you dick. "I've taken Wright from the start of this thing"- Kruk. "This has more spin than a whirlpool"-CB, yes Chris....yes it does.

"I think I'm going with Wright because......"-CB "Because you're a racist"- My Roommate.
Man I wish I made that joke.

"Lo Duca is the key here he's throwing the ball right in his little loop zone"- HR, What exactly is a "Loop Zone"

Wright looks cooked......Papi towels him off. Yes......only need 5 for the payday.

Howard could soon become my favorite player......no pressure big guy.

10:35- Last batter of the night (sans a PK Shootout) OOOOH, Should I live blog the Taco Bell All Star Legends and Celebrity Softball game????????

"Speaking of the Sea of Tranquility and the Moon ball are going into the water"- CB "That one was all the way to LaTrobe!"- CB....more PA references.

"There's only one way to do it and that's HARD."- David Wright, Tru dat Dave.....TRU DAT.

Oh yea baby! It's over! Where's my money?!

AND ON HIS LAST BALL HE HITS THE "HIT IT HERE" SIGN.......UNBELIEVABLE!

So Chris Berman wasn't as bad as I thought he woul be, but I blame that completely on the breaks he was getting. It's an outrage I tell you! Anyways, Awesome night, and not only because I won money for my "Personal Charity" but MLB gives away the farm....Howard hits the sign, they give away a house, and $300K to charity.

Good times all thanks for stopping by. You'll get your proppers tomorrow. See you tomorrow for the Big Game where McCarver and Buck will not have the opportunity for a break.

As Chef Ramsey would say "SHUT IT DOOWWWN!"

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 7:52 PM

71 Comments:

This shit makes McGraw's MNF songs sound like Mozart. Sweet fancy Moses.

Jordan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:07:00 PM  

Big and Rich? Jesus Christ, this is awful. Am only watching in hopes of a "YWM,L" sighting.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:09:00 PM  

Nice to have you boys. Are you ready for some long-ball?

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:10:00 PM  

Why does Berman persist in pronouncing "Big Papi" like "pap" smear?
It really grates on my nerves.
AA - I'm in DC too. Woo-hoo.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:16:00 PM  

Might as well make it a troika from DC. Shouldn't we just watch form our own kickball team and get it over with?

DCThrowback said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:18:00 PM  

The Aligator River? The fucking Alligator River.


Berman. Must. Die.

GettingBadPunsWright said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:19:00 PM  

w/r/t the rule change:

It's probably cause Abreu hit 24 in the first round last year but almost didn't make it to the finals. Makes some sense.

stan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:19:00 PM  

I'm pretty sure harold reynolds called it the "Alligator River" first.

stan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:20:00 PM  

Whatever. It's still Berman's fault.

GettingBadPunsWright said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:24:00 PM  

that's totally fair.

stan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:26:00 PM  

I'm bored with this already. Can we develop a drinking game to keep me focused?

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:27:00 PM  

Okay here's your drinking game...everytime they hit a homerun drink three, everytime Berman says the word "Back" it's a drink, and everytime he says something unintelligble finish your beer. Welcome DC!

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:30:00 PM  

If I follow those rules, I'll soon be as drunk as I was at RFK on deadspin field trip night. I can't black out in my own house; that would be embarrassing. Blacking out in public is A-OK, though.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:34:00 PM  

So far, the clear winner in the competition has to be the B-12 shots...makes me long for the days of 'roids and greenies.

DCThrowback said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:36:00 PM  

I was at the gym; and even with the volume down I could hear Berman doing a shitty John Facenda.

Steve said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:47:00 PM  

Cabrera lets the ball come to him? Really? As opposed to running out and catching it halfway to home plate?

jordan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:47:00 PM  

the super slo-mo is cool, but Big and Rich can lick my ball and ball.

Not much steroid/HGH talk so far. Any news on the Grimsley bombshell?

Jul 10, 2006, 8:48:00 PM  

Anyone know who's announcing tomorrow? Is it Buck and McCarver?

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:51:00 PM  

How bout during the interviews when Bonnie Bernstein did the Do or Dye pun. When she threw it back to Berman, he said "some people can make a good living off those. [making puns with names]" That's like in Liar Liar when Jim Carrey says that you can make a good living making funny faces. I
actually think that was kinda witty. Weird.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:53:00 PM  

I have a huuuge crush on Bonnie. I will never talk bad about her.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 8:57:00 PM  

She's no Suzy Kolber or Erin Andrews, but I wasn't dissing Bonnie. (I can't believe I said dissing.) I was more explaining my pure amazement that Berman said something subtle and honestly, pretty funny.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:08:00 PM  

bonnie is looking great

stan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:09:00 PM  

I am a heterosexual Mets fan. But I think I have a huuuge crush on David Wright.

Jul 10, 2006, 9:10:00 PM  

A.J. Perz-Who's-It has a child? God help us all.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:14:00 PM  

I'm a heterosexual Tigers fan, and I have a huge crush on David Wright.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:14:00 PM  

as a burgher, just gotta correct the western PA references- Sewickley (home of Mario Lemieux), McKeesport (home of NFL linebacker Brandon Short)

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:20:00 PM  

a lot closer on Upper St. Clair (home of Pirate Sean Casey)

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:23:00 PM  

The Yinzers in kayaks are fighting each other? Eek.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:24:00 PM  

Attention, ESPN announcing crew:

You may now remove your mouths from David Wright's cock.

That is all.

Anonymous said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:28:00 PM  

Did Joe Morgan say that it's hard to boo Pete Rose and that he's a nice guy? Did I just hear that?

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:28:00 PM  

6 or FEWER you leathery bastard Berman!

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:32:00 PM  

Keep the Pennsylvania references coming Goulet cause I'm botching the spelling in the live-blog. I'm sure there will be a ton more he usually saves them for Round two.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:34:00 PM  

Wait, then he said Pete Rose was the only guy who got boo'd. Which is it Joe?

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:34:00 PM  

yankees just offered that black kid shagging balls in LF ten million over three

red candypaint said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:37:00 PM  

will do (if only we could have helped Marcelo and Dave)...did you catch the one game (forget which one) where Marcelo was talking about something and then thought of a few players as examples of the concept (again, forget what it was), so he says "via [some player], via [some other player]" (meaning "for example" or "witness")...just no understanding at all of the English language, or soccer outside of being a defender for that matter

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:45:00 PM  

It's going to be Buck and McCarver... I HATE THOSE BASTARDS

McCarver makes me want to bang my head on the television like Zidane on Materrazi's chest

Jamie said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:46:00 PM  

In re: McCarver:
http://shutuptimmccarver.com/

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:49:00 PM  

there's no way that ball was robbed, so shut up berman.

Anonymous said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:52:00 PM  

Boy, I'd hope the Division winner would make the playoffs, Mark Loretta.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:55:00 PM  

I love how the kid was still booed though...In Philly they would have thrown batteries

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:56:00 PM  

Wasn't the House of David that barnstorming Jewish Baseball team? I could be totally off base on this one, but I think Ken Burns told me about that once.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:57:00 PM  

The kid caught the ball, faked like he was gonna throw it in the crowd, then put it in his pocket. What a little punk. I hope he gets hit in the head by a Cabrera liner.

Did A.J. say the balls are juiced and the bats are corked? Is that accurate?

Jul 10, 2006, 9:59:00 PM  

Just checked Wikipedia, the House of David was a commune in my own Michigan. Apparently they aren't Jewish, but they did have a barnstorming baseball team. If only the Michigan Militia had such fun side projects.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 9:59:00 PM  

Where's the YWML?!?! I thought they said they were going to be out in right field where the water is

Jamie said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:02:00 PM  

So did some production assistant have to type up a list of every town and county in Pittsburgh? We get it. Dudes are hitting the ball out of the stadium.
Let's all remember this night when espn is reporting on the steroid scandal and how for some reason fans are obsessed with the long ball.

Jul 10, 2006, 10:04:00 PM  

Thanks Jamie.....for all of those here tonight I have a Press Conference....Ah hem....Awful Announcing will be officially live-blogging the two biggest douches on the face of the earth tomorrow night....Thank You.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:04:00 PM  

Holy fuck, the House of David had an amusement park. They have got to be the coolest religious off-shoot ever.

http://www.israelitehouseofdavid.org/index.html

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:04:00 PM  

My TiVo just switch to the Real World/Road Rules challenge "Fresh Meat." I am in no way upset about this.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:07:00 PM  

Does anyone know when Fox's contract is up with MLB?? Within the next two years, please??

Jamie said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:12:00 PM  

"He's at 15 and they're getting longer!"

Just saying.

jordan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:13:00 PM  

Does he have 8 in him?

sorry

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:15:00 PM  

phil garner said his teammates used to beat on him... kinky

Anonymous said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:17:00 PM  

I was seriously considering a trip to Benton Harbor till I found out the House of David sold their grandstands to Indiana. I was totally thinking about converting too. You lost of potential member, House of David.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:17:00 PM  

woohooooo!!!! (toothless rednecks in the kayaks)

Anonymous said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:18:00 PM  

Ok, we have a new fan douche-baggery high. There's someone in one of the boats with a glove.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:19:00 PM  

what is this pulled a harold shit they keep saying?

Auric said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:20:00 PM  

The World Cup is on for a month, and finally we don't have to see Berman at ALL... and he has to ruin the best month of my life by making a soccer reference "Penalty shootout"
I
Hate
Him

Jamie said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:21:00 PM  

didn't quite catch it, but someone said something about being "allergic to leather"...anyone catch it? possibly a YWML reference?

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:26:00 PM  

So... any Italians out there offended by Berman's a spicy uh ah meat-a-ball comment? If it was anyone else saying that I would have laughed.

Jul 10, 2006, 10:33:00 PM  

Kruk changed his original pick after Glaus hit only 1 in the first round. Harold got on him and Kruk said Harold's done it in the past. And called it "Pulling a Harold"

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:36:00 PM  

John Kruk is fat.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:37:00 PM  

I didn't catch the Italian comment...
Anyone else think that David Wright has a dirty dirty dirty mouth? They keep interrupting the audio because when he fucks up he's dropping f-bombs left and right... but Espn continues to jerk him off

Jamie said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:37:00 PM  

Yeah, ESPN keeps pulling his Harold.

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:39:00 PM  

i think berman just climaxed after howard's shot over center.

Auric said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:44:00 PM  

Ya know, I sort of hope D. Wright has a filthy mouth. It would offset his pretty face.

BoSox Siobhan said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:46:00 PM  

Why is Dan Uggla there?

Goulet said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:49:00 PM  

ryan howard is a man

red candypaint said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:49:00 PM  

David Wright and Ryan Howard are both on my fantasy team. Is that final a good thing or a bad thing?

Tom said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:50:00 PM  

Awesome night, and not only because I won money for my "Personal Charity" but MLB gives away the farm....Howard hits the sign, they give away a house, and $300K to charity. Good times all thanks for stopping by. See you tomorrow for the Big Game.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 10:52:00 PM  

Gary Thorne announcing the celebrity softball game makes me sad. I hope his ESPN contract expires soon so he can go announce some NHL games. I missed him during the playoffs.

Alex said...
Jul 10, 2006, 11:01:00 PM  

Oh how the mighty have fallen....I bet $10 that Sarah Silverman strikes out.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Jul 10, 2006, 11:13:00 PM  

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