I know I promised less Ocho Cinco on the site, but the guy sure knows how to get my attention. In this brief interview Chad talks first about how if he has problems with Carson Palmer he just beats him up (Palmer goes for the headlock), but the real fun is at the end. Listen as Chad claims to know some people who could take down Phelps in the water, and yes....85 is one of them....

Don't laugh! Stop laughing at Chad! Chad swam in Middle School and will beat your Champion, America!!! In all honesty the guy is about 99% annoying at this point, but lately that 1% is coming out. Also, does ESPN just interview him everyday now? It really wouldn't surprise me.

Chad Johnson was on my list of people not to mention this site for most of the season, but I have to break my rule to post this story from Pro Football Talk. Johnson said on both Monday Night Football, and Sports Center the following day, that he had some things planned.

I ignored both interviews and figured it was just more costumes and/or props for his cheesy TD celebrations. Boy was I wrong. Chad Johnson has taken the first steps to officially change his name to "Ocho Cinco". Seriously....

Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson was fined $5,000 for wearing “Ocho Cinco” on the back of his jersey before a game in 2006.

To avoid getting fined, Johnson hasn’t done it since then. But Johnson now has a plan for how he can get away with having “Ocho Cinco” spelled out over the “85″ on his back.

We’ve learned that Johnson has taken the first steps in the state of Florida toward legally changing his last name to Ocho Cinco.

If Johnson follows through on this, his actual, legal name will be Chad Ocho Cinco, and the NFL would then (we assume) allow him to put his new last name on the back of his jersey.

On the surface it seems like yet another cheesy Chad Johnson stunt, but when you think about it, anything to make the "No Fun League" squirm is kind of entertaining. Obviously this is still a rumor, but imagine how many jerseys he would sell. It wouldn't approach Favre territory, but it would be quite a few.

Johnson Wants To Be Ocho Cinco Legally (Pro Football Talk)

I can't believe I once got a kick out of Chad Johnson's schtick. I feel ashamed and I'm sorry for any videos or posts on him. With that out of the way let's give him one more post since he is apparently interning at ESPN The Mag for the Summer (not really, but he's been in there a lot).

In his piece for the Mag he breaks paragraphs into "chapters" and basically give a 19 part look into his NFL Philosophy in second annual Revenge of the Jocks issue. Here are a couple of highlights (or lowlights)....

CHAPTER 2
TEND YOUR GARDEN
Some people say the grass is always greener on the other side. I say be the gardener. Water it. Feed it. Make your own grass grow. I make the grass greener wherever I am. I'm the gardener.

CHAPTER 5
FOOTBALL ISN'T THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN
It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing: My light is gonna shine. I could always work as an editor for The Mag, right? As long as the money's right. Or I could go into acting full-time, team up with George Clooney or somebody. If I can get out of Cincinnati, the sky's the limit. What could I do in a place like Philadelphia or Dallas? It would be ridiculous. It's gonna be like a whole new me, like Ocho Cinco 2.0. Yeah, I like that. Ocho Cinco 2.0.

CHAPTER 9
TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE
I'm not just an athlete, I'm an entertainer. An athletainer? Yeah, I like that. Ocho Cinco 2.0, the Athletainer.

CHAPTER 15
TRY MY SHOES ON FOR SIZE
I love the fans in Cincinnati. They dealt with so much losing before I got there. But they still need to understand that this is a business. I hope they stand up for themselves at whatever job they do.

CHAPTER 17
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING
Am I coming back? Of course I am. I told my coaches I'm going to California to act, but the truth is I may come back to the Bengals as early as June.
I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.

I'm so confused right now. Chad Johnson is a gardener, an athletainer, wants to leave Football, loves Football, is mad at the Bengals Front Office, wants out of Cincy and IS playing for the Bengals next year. I personally am sick of the guy, but I'll give him one thing....he knows how to keep his name in the news.

Have You Hugged Your Boss Today? (ESPN The Mag via PFT)

Keyshawn is either completely and utterly wrong about things or dead on. Most of the Draft he was wrong, but in an interview with USA Today he is completely right about Chad Johnson....

Keyshawn Johnson had some advice for Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals wideout who had been been on forcing a trade like out of an unhappy situation like Randy Moss did last year.

The ESPN analyst and former NFL receiver believes the Bengal would be making a mistake if he were to divorce himself from quarterback Carson Palmer.

"I think Chad is going about it the wrong way," the ESPN analyst said. "I told Chad at the Super Bowl, 'Be careful what you wish for. Because when they bounce your butt and you wind up in Buffalo with J.P. Losman as your quarterback, you're going to be screaming.

"I just told him to relax and chill and handle your situation differently."

While his assesment of Chad Johnson's situation is dead on he's a bit off on his Buffalo Bills depth chart. JP Losman isn't the starter for the Bills, Trent Edwards is. I guess the sentence still works but that's certainly not they way he originally meant it.

Now if there was only a way to shut them both up. Hmm???

Keyshawn to Ocho Cinco: 'Careful what you wish for' (USA Today)

I think I started getting sick of Chad Johnson around the time he broke out the HOF jacket during Week One last season. I've really just been tuning out this promotional tour he's doing to get traded. That was until Brian Kenny conducted an interview so classic that I had to pay attention (well that and the fact ESPN has replayed 40 times since last night).

Chad came on Sports Center sometime yesterday and talked with Kenny about his future and here was the awesome result.....

Awkward! I think we're all at the point where Kenny is. I understand that Chad wants to do what's best for Chad, but no is the time to just shut up now and play, whether it's with the Bengals or the Philadelphia Soul. Great job on not letting him off the hook BK (and don't let the fact that Dana Jacobson just called you Brian Kennedy upset you either).

Via reader Al Michaels (no not that Al Michaels...at least I don't think?) comes this clip of Keyshawn's interview of Chad Johnson this past weekend on Sunday Countdown. Feel free to watch and read along as Al points out a few important details....

1) ESPN never mentioned that Keyshawn and Chad were cousins.

2) Keyshawn brings up Chad wanting to get traded…how do you go from A to K, unless Keyshawn knows something that wasn’t revealed.

3) Chad said earlier in the week that the dancing would stop until the Bengals started winning again and Keyshawn asks him repeatedly about Chad being bigger than the team, which is no since Chad said he’s toning it down!

4) I like how Chad turned the tables on Keyshawn.

5) This clip doesn’t show the after-interview discussion, but Berman and the boys blow Keyshawn by everyone saying “Good interview”

6) Another thing the clip doesn’t show is when the “talent” is talking over each other, Keyshawn sticks out his hand to tell Emmitt to basically shut up while he was talking and you can just see Emmitt get pissed off.

7) After the interview, Keyshawn says he was all about winning; about being a team player. Ummm, what about your book ripping on Wayne Chrebet? What about getting kicked off a defending Super Bowl champion? Neither of these were, of course, brought up.

Fabulous work AM. That was the most uncomfortable interview I've ever watched and that's on multiple levels. I guess he was giving Chad the business because they're cousins, but that was just too much.

We're back again for yet another fabulous night of live-blog mania as the 3-0 Pats take on the 1-2 Bengals.

Here's what you need to know.....

Spread: New England -9, O/U 54.5

Stadium: Paul Brown, Cincinnati

Weather: 72 Degrees and Sunny

I'll be kicking this off at around 8:15 so I'll see you then, and don't forget Extra P is live-blogging the Padres-Rockies game airing on TBS. Should be a fun night....hope you can join in.

One Game Playoff Live Blog: San Diego at Colorado

Leave your predictions in the comments.

After a GQ piece on Tom Brady......

"Let's just talk Football where Tom is VERY stylish."- Chris Berman

I don't know where else to put this, but on SportsCenter, they have that god-awful studio team with the Parcells and the Keyshawn, y'know. I forget what it's called. It wasn't any good to begin with, but then Tuna said something that shattered a nation's brain. In reference to the quarterback situation in Chicago, Parcells said, "they can't just dial 1-800-QUARTERBACK. Kyle Orton is the last Mohican in the barrel." It's either an incredibly esoteric reference to Bernard Malamud or the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.- Oops Pow Surprise

Hahahaha. That is so random.

Hey our first Bruce Springsteen song of the night. It's a song called Radio Nowhere.....kind like where that single will be come tomorrow. Hey Yo!!! Start this game already!!!

"That Brady GQ segment was horrible...way to give the genius that is zoolander a bad name"- Noce

Amen. "I've got the black lung Noce!"

OH MY GOD..........I'M NOT KIDDING WHEN I TYPE THIS QUOTE.............

"Patriots Too Much Offense, Too Much Defense, Too Much of an all-around better Golf Club....Ball Club."- Emmitt Smith

Jesus Christ almighty.

"Hi Hank!"- Whores

When the whores introduce Hank it's time to kick this thing off! Who's coming with me?

8:37- Apparently the Bengals are trying rid themselves of all of those pigeons by shooting off Fort McHenry like cannons.

Is it your contention that the Patriots are not, in fact, a better golf club?- Oops Pow Surprise

They probably would cheat to win though.

OH MY GOD. DID TONY AND JAWS JUST SING BON JOVI?!?!?! Good lord.

"Karaoke Night? That was Awful!"- Mike Tirico

Video of that coming soon. Jamie Foxx gets us underway after the break. There's going to be a ton of great video tonight!

"Primary target OCHO CINCO! It's Going to be a shootout in the jungle tonight."- Jamie Foxx

New England gets the ball......Let's do this!

8:45- Hobbs gets blasted for trying to re-break the NFL record for longest kickoff return. Moss grabs a 6 yarder on first. A 2nd down screen to Faulk nets 24 yards and Mike Tirico sounds like someone just died.

They're just baiting you at this point. They must be aware that there's a drinking game that involves downing one every time AA- is horrified, and they're determined to kill every last one of us.- Oops Pow Surprise

They have to be.....

I'm not drinking, I'm doing whippets every time Kornholie and Jaws giggle. Tee fuckin hee.- Hollywood Wags

That sounds like a plan.

8:51- The Benglas get some pressure on Brady and there's a throwaway for the Golden Boy. As soon as I type that Moss is standing alone in the middle of the field for 17 yards.

"Pocket collapses on Griese....er Brady."- Mike Tirico

Come on.....this is too easy guys.

Brady hits the real "White Lightning" Wes Welker for a 1st down pickup on 3rd down. Tony and Jaws freak out about Matt Light making a speech instead of saying actual player's names.

FG attempt for the Pats........

3-0 Pats on the Gostkowski FG.

MATCHBOX 20!!!!!!!!! YES! Rob Thomas is soooooo dreamy.

"when did kevin nash change his name to matt light?"- Dr. C

Great Question! NWO in the house!!!

9:01- Jaws likes Kenny Watson, but doesn't really tell us why.

"He will help them in the passing game"- Jaws
"When you say it will help them in the passing game does that mean overall."- TK

Actually a great question by Tony. I'm shocked. Jaws was very aloof on that statement.

Oh and Cincy is punting after one first time.

"So Neither Weezy, Geezy, or Deezy got to them as it was Adalius."- TK

9:07- Sammy Morris gets zero on first down. Tony goes off on a Randy Moss diatribe. Personally I thought that would come sooner.

A handful of Patriots penalties but them in third and long and Holy Shit!!! A Patriots punt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hey A Patriots Punt."- Tony Kornheiser
"It's Chris Hanson....not NBC's Chris Hansen."- Mike Tirico

Hahaha....that's actually pretty funny Michael.

9:13- I think the Bengals are going to go to Kenny Watson every play. 3rd and five for the Bengals. Just short on a pass over the middle and the Pats get it back on a punt.

Stallworth catches a pass and then Sammy Morris rumbles his way all the way down to the two! Great run. He fumbles out of the endzone but is ruled down by contact. Marvin Lewis limps over on his crutches and throws the flag. Oh wait, he has a designated flag thrower due to his injury. I want that job.

Long replay here, and it's pretty inconclusive. Tony notes that the Bengals have no Linebackers and I'm just happy that he's providing actual analysis.

9:21- Ruling on the field stands, and there's not really an evidence to overturn the call. Seau and Vrabel are in the game.....

And Seau leads Heath Evans into the endzone.....or not. Looked like he was in to me. Evans again....And NO! Great stop by the Bengals. Not like it matters....the Pats will go for it on 4th if they don't get it here.

Play Action to Vrabel.....TOUCHDOWN! 10-0 Pats. That hurts.

Great job of Jaws to highlight that newly acquired Dhani Jones was on the coverage and Tony kicks in a "Linebacker on Linebacker" joke.

The crew just completely cracks up over some dumb joke that Tony makes. I'm so confused. That's the end of the first. This photo of the Ickey Shuffle will serve as the separation between quarters.......



9:31- Mike Tirico informs us that the Bengals have 17 yards in the 1st quarter, and that's just about how every team in the NFL is going to look against the Pats this year.

Hey, the officials actually throw a flag on the Pats....I don't think I've ever seen that before. Great blitz by Ndukwe and the Pats are looking at third and long. Timeout.

A Bengals Pick! How about that....the golden boy is picked by ex-Wolverine Leon Hall. Welcome to the NFL.

You know what would be great? If the MLB game was in the ninth when this game was at the half. Best of both world.

Ocho Five gets a quick out and takes it to the one yard line.........

PLAY ACTION TOUCHDOWN.....TJ.....I'm going to spell this without help.........Houshmandzadeh. Can I get a confirmation?

10-7 Patriots.....we've got ourselves a game.

"What a talented player he is". Jaws - Great analysis.

Signed,

Joe Theisman

(Via Dummy)

"If Kornheiser was talking about assless chaps on live TV, then that's actually a bonus in my book"- Oops Pow Surprise

Agreed.

9:45- Sammy Morris gets zippy on first down and Suzy tells us that Brady walks on water. Jesus then hits Welker for a first down. Tony talks about Ice Cream and I die a little inside. A completion to Stallworth for about five.

TK does probably the best report he's given about Belicheat working the best players on his team and the production truck provided him with Bill lecturing Seau and Bruschi. Good job MNF.....that's what I/We like to see.

Sammy Morris picks up a first down in Bengals territory, and Tirico points out ANOTHER Bengals linebacker that's hurt. Crazy. They cut away from the game quick again to cut off Tony Kornheiser's point. Good job again production truck.

"..a tape of all of Brady's mistakes." Does this include the new baby pictures as well?- Trot Nixon's Hat

WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!! F'ing hilarious.

9:51- So Cincy is going to try and stop the Patriots with 2 Linebackers.....someone take the 2nd half line. The Bengals go with the first 5 defensive lineman look and have to call timeout.

"Did Kornheiser just say something about "two sore Johnsons"??"- Anon

Of course he did.

The Pats are running all over the linebackerless Bengals, but Joseph stops the Pats on 2nd down.....3rd and 3 at the 7......

OH WOW...............Randy f'ing Moss with one to the prettiest catches from that close to the endzone I've ever seen! Just beautiful......screw you Randy Moss for not playing like this your whole career. You could have been the best.

17-7 Pats.

9:59- Carson Palmer decides to throw all over the field and the Bengals are driving no-huddle.

WOW! Chad Johnson pulls off a sick catch and takes us to the two minute warning. TK leaves the booth.....

"To become a linebacker by the second half."- Tony Kornheiser

Funny. +1 Tony.

"Why are they gushing over the Pats like this? It is just a 10 fucking point lead right now???????? They very good but they haven't played anyone. Sorry SD."- Brett

Sorry Brett, but that's just the way it is with ESPN.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Chad went over and talked to Coach Cheat at the two minute warning!

Pick by Samuel and the Pats will take a knee.

17-7 at the half Pats. Let's all get ready for PTI at the Half. Ouch Chad and Carson are jawing on the way into the locker room. Not a good sign.

New Thread for the 2nd Half after the break.

After that somewhat questionable TD celebration last night (I thought it was funny, but it took waaaay to long to set up) the timing on this might not be so great, but Chad Johnson has launched a website.

It's full of webisodes and he'll even call your friends and trash talk them. Sweet right? I agree, but I think the coolest part is that you vote on whether or not you think he was covered in the last game he played. The answer for last night is an obvious no.

He also takes you into the hood to show you what trash talking is all about.

Ummm right. I'm not really sure what I learned there besides everyone in Cincy loving Ocho Cinco, but it was still enthralling to watch.

"That's your biggest risk so far...talkin' trash to me!" (Now That's Funny)
"OCHO CINCO 4 PREZIDENT!!!!"

Chad Johnson The Ultimate Man Of Risk (TrashTalk85.com)

P.S.- Chad is also sending a certain amount of money from each vote to "Feed The Children", and helping to build a school in Kenya, so that's commendable.

P.P.S.- I had Chad call me (cause I'm cool) and the highlight of the call was when he said, "I know you ain't taken no risks....you ain't even gotta job!" Oh snap!!! I was pwned....I cannot cover you Chadwick!