Welcome to Page 2 Jungle Jemele

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You gonna die!!!!!!!!!! Muahahahahaha.

At least that's what I imagine the conversation going like after the newest member of Page 2 Jemele Hill signed her pact with the devil (well the real devil and the sports devil).

The long anticipated day is here (TBL, DS, OS) Jemele's first column at Page 2!!!!!!

I'm Hearing Voices (Page 2)

"Sometimes, I hear voices in my head. And, sometimes, I talk back. If you want to get to know me, listen to both of us.
Maybe you should start with a funny story?"

[Ohhh!!!! I get it......her alter ego is in italics.
That's stupid.]

"That might work. I could tell them the only reason I started taking journalism classes was because sex ed at my high school was being taught by someone who looked like he hadn't had sex since the Eisenhower administration."

[That's edgy talking about sex and all.
Edgy yes.....funny.....no.]

OK. Hi, I'm Jemele Hill, the new Page 2 columnist. I'm 30 years old. I'm from Detroit (please spare me the 9,000 e-mails comparing Detroit to Uzbekistan and Fallujah). I like the smell of lavender, the iridescent glow from a full moon, and …
I think you confused this with your Match.com profile.

[Good bio.....Uzbek and Match.com jokes can be funny.
Ummm no.....they can't.]

Do you know what you're getting into here? After all, African-Americans who work at ESPN.com have been accused of "bojangling" -- you know, behaving like a clown and making black people look bad. Are you going to be ESPN.com's black female bojangler?
Sorry, what did you say? I was too busy Googling tap shoes, canes and clown noses. Repeat the question.

[Well at least she acknowledges the problems ESPN has been having at Page 2.
Umm yeah, she does....by "writing like a clown" and using bad jokes again."]

Listen, do you actually have something to say?
Look, I'm going to try to bring a sense of humor to this thing. I'm not going to take myself too seriously, but I do have something to say. I'm not here to be the voice of Black America. I'm here to be a voice. There's a difference.

[Well that's good and perhaps a welcome change?
Yeah, go ahead and believe that asshat.]

So, if you're not a bojangler, what kind of columnist are you?
C'mon, that's not what you really want to know. You want to know if I think O.J. did it, if I believe Barry Bonds cheated, if I'll stick up for T.O., if I love the WNBA, if I'll defend Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, if I hate white people, if I hate black people, and if I think the Duke lacrosse players actually raped the black exotic dancer/college student/single mother.

[Umm no, that's not what I want to know. I want to know if you are going to be a normal reporter/journalist who doesn't put spin on stories (Scoop), who doesn't whine constantly (Simmons), who's ego is so huge that they can't fit in a room (Bayless, and umm Simmons). I could care less about the race issues. Be a reporter for Outside the Lines if you want to talk about that.
Umm, yeah.....what he said (I can't argue that point).]

I am the columnist who plays the would-this-happen-to-a-white-guy game because there are just too many double standards. But I'm equal opportunity with the game, including Hispanics, Asians, women and men.

[Umm....I know I'm supposed to be the angel in this discussion here, but this lady is losing me. How about looking at sports as a whole?
Told you. I warned you this was coming.]

For example, would the NHL ever dream of tampering with the puck without consulting its players, the way the NBA did with its ball? And if it did, would NHL players be considered "whiners" for complaining about it?

[Wait......what's the NHL? Just kidding....that is a good point though.
Do you think I care about the damn new basketball anymore? We're three weeks into the season already!
Good Point.]

But let me get away from the race thing because I don't want you to think that's all I can talk about. To answer your original question, as a columnist, I hope to make you think, piss you off, make you laugh, make you reach for Advil, and make you cry. Mostly, though, I hope to make you read.
If this is some sort of preview of what you're going to be like on Page 2, I think half of the people who read this will find you annoying. Maybe more than half.
Hey, this is no different from any long-term relationship with a girlfriend, boyfriend or pet. At some point, your boyfriend wants to put anthrax in your makeup. At some point, your girlfriend wants to substitute your coffee with motor oil. But that doesn't mean there isn't any real love there. Or maybe those are just my relationships.

[Wait....the girlfriend gets killed and the boyfriend just drinks oil? What is this chick talking about?
That's right my friend....come over to the darkside! You know you hate her already!
That is not true.....I'm trying to give her a chance!]

Subject change. What's your take on hip-hop?

[Okay enough Alter Ego Jemele.....I don't care about Real Jemele's take on hip-hop.
Muhahahaha. Can you feel it? The hate coursing through your veins???]

I'll rephrase in hopes of getting a better answer: What do you hate in sports?
Athletes who thank Jesus in the camera and bed groupies off camera. Coaches who demand loyalty, but don't have any. That no matter how good a white athlete is, people will always believe he gets by on intelligence. And no dotted circle in college basketball. That one really burns me.

[Wait didn't she just say that she was "the columnist who plays the would-this-happen-to-a-white-guy game because there are just too many double standards. But I'm equal opportunity with the game, including Hispanics, Asians, women and men."??? I don't see in there that she's sticking up for the John Stocktons and Ed McCaffreys of the world.
Here it comes everyone......just be patient.]

Give me two truths people refuse to accept.
1. Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA until LeBron starts playing defense consistently. Yes, I know King James led the league in steals, but playing passing lanes and individual D are two different things. The only reason Kobe didn't win MVP is because most sportswriters are men, and to them, Kobe's tattle-telling on Shaq was an unforgivable violation of a dearly held Man Law: Never snitch on your boy.

[Oh F That! Neither of them is the best player in the NBA!!!! You have to be kidding me. Not only did she look over Steve Nash (who is white), but what about Shaq? You know the guy you mentioned in the sentence above? The guy Kobe can't win a title without? The guy who won a title with Dwayne Wade last year? And Man Laws are the reason he didn't get voted for?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How about the fact that he cheated on his wife and was on trial for rape? Nope couldn't be that at all.
Told you it was coming.]

Any last words?
Got any idea where I could get a good clown outfit?

[Shoot me in the face. Me too please. Also, I'm in no way jealous she makes $200,000 a year. Bullshit.]

(Our girl Jemele rollin' wit Willis McGahee.)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 4:16 PM


But let me get away from the race thing because I don't want you to think that's all I can talk about.

Sure, Jemele, sure ...

Anonymous said...
Nov 15, 2006, 7:07:00 PM  

Boy, say what you will about Simmons, but at least he's one of the few writers at ESPN who dares to put together a complete paragraph.

Do the columnists there really think their readers are so limited intellectually that we can't deal with paragraphs that run more than three sentences? It appears that way sometimes.

Anonymous said...
Nov 15, 2006, 9:13:00 PM  

she's only 30? shit, say what you will, but that's a great gig for a young journalist.

but funny stuff, my man!

Nov 16, 2006, 3:16:00 AM  

...as a columnist, I hope to make you think, piss you off, make you laugh, make you reach for Advil, and make you cry.

Please. Maybe that would sound provocative if a hundred other columnists and TV commentators hadn't said that exact same thing at some point. Usually it's a sign that lame writing and weak arguments lie ahead.

When's that new "voice" thing gonna happen?

Irene Done said...
Nov 16, 2006, 9:22:00 AM  

I don't understand how most sportswriters being men prevented Kobe from winning MVP. So if most sportswriters were women, an accused rapist would have a better chance of winning the award?

I don't like when columnists start out with a narcissistic "here's who I am" column so readers can know. First of all, we probably don't care. Second of all, if we do care, those things will come up throughout a career of columns.

Pacifist Viking said...
Nov 16, 2006, 9:51:00 AM  

Oh God, I couldn't even make it through that column. If this is what we have to look forward to at Page 2...ugh.

Anonymous said...
Nov 16, 2006, 12:50:00 PM  

Maybe if she started in on a Dr. Gonzo recipe of massive amounts of hallucinogens, Wild Turkey, ether and coke, then hopped in the car with Rikishi, I'd give a flying fuck.

I am shocked that the school system in Detroit could turn out an illiterate self-absorbed bonehead like her.

"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold."

Hollywood Wags said...
Nov 16, 2006, 2:28:00 PM  

A little harsh, but funny.

I was surprised she had so many racial references. Especially so many trite refrences. You gotta save those for when it counts, 'cause a lot of people don't want to hear it at all. I wonder how conscientious she will be of her audience.

Anonymous said...
Nov 16, 2006, 6:07:00 PM  

I'm mostly concerned because it sounds like she might turn out to be one of those people (Bill Simmons!) who mistake their passion for basketball with actual competence in analysis of the same. Kobe is the best player?! Please. She could write about race 8 days a week and I would read that before I read some garbage NBA analysis. And her taste in rap is awful. If you have zero appreciation for Lil Jon at this point, how open-minded can you be?

Anonymous said...
Nov 16, 2006, 6:15:00 PM  

I would love to set that bitch on fire.

Nov 17, 2006, 9:39:00 PM  

Shaq is the best player in the NBA? Is your post a repost from the year 2000? :)

Seriously, you pretty much hit the spot here... I doubt I'll be reading many (read: any) of her columns.

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Anonymous said...
Jul 22, 2007, 7:03:00 PM  

I just watched Jemele say that the Detroit Pistons will win the Eastern Conference and that people from Boston are smug and she doesn't even want to be around people from Boston if the Red Sox win the World Series. Good luck working with Simmons. Jemele has turned into everything she said she wouldn't in her Page 2 bio.

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