The Simmons Review- V.3

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Oh yeah, Mailbag Time! This used to be one of the highlights of Simmons but this too has gone down in quality. In fact he's even used it as a ploy recently....He knows he doesn't have quality articles left in him, so he trots out multiple mailbags in a month hoping people don't notice.

But we notice Billiam.....we notice.....

Q: Let's see, in the past two months, you embraced soccer, created an Us Weekly fantasy league for women, were called a "hero" by Mark Cuban and complained about two American institutions: fantasy football and Vegas. What day is your surgical procedure that officially makes you a woman? I want to make sure I send you a card. -- Bill Simmons, Los Angeles
SG: Just wanted to beat you guys to the punch.

So the Vegas article gets to go into the Mag and we are stuck with a winded mailbag. But at least Bill gives us a glimpse into how retarded he's been as of late. While there are a couple of jabs at him he fails to mention the Random Sports Guy Article Generator. We also get a 1,500 word answer on the question of Who is the Greatest Pro Wrestler you've seen. Highlighted by this....

2. Nobody had a better nickname than "The Macho Man," with the possible exception of the "The Million Dollar Man," Ted DiBiase. Plus, he shrewdly avoided the obvious "Macho Man"/Village People link with his entrance song, which could have killed his career coming out of the gate.

First of all.....WHO THE HELL CARES? But second I can think of 10 Wrestlers off the Top of my head that have better names....ready here goes: Jimmy Suppa Fly Snuka, Koko B. Ware, The Junkyard Dog, Ravishing Rick Rude, Jim the Anvil Neidhart, Bret the Hitman Hart, The Ultimate Warrior, Mister Perfect, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, and my personal favorite Razor Ramon.

Q: Have you been watching the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1? Who would you have as your teammates and do you think you could take it?-- Sean, Charlotte, N.C.
SG:
You've been reading me for five-plus years at this point ... do you really think there's a chance that I haven't been watching the World Series of Pop Culture? Come on. I would pick Chuck Klosterman as one of my teammates, and since we wouldn't need a third teammate -- seriously, is there any team on the planet that could defeat me and Klosterman, in a million years? -- I'd go with Dikembe Mutombo as our third teammate. You know, just for his reactions after every one of our correct answers. It would be like the 1998 Slam Dunk Contest all over again.

Have an ego much Mr. Simmons? The Dikembe line was actually pretty funny though I must admit.

So on we delve into this rather large mailbag, and hey whadda ya know???? An MTV question.....NO WAY.

Wait, I have two more comments about "The Hills":
1. First, while watching last week's episode on vacation with family (including the Sports Gal and my cousin Kristin), I realized that "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" have evolved into this decade's "90210" and "Melrose Place" in terms of "Best Show to Watch With Catty Women in the Room Providing a Running Commentary And Ripping Everyone in Sight." In fact, there should be a spin-off show where they have five sarcastic women watching "The Hills" on MTV2, kinda like "Mystery Science Theater" crossed with "Mean Girls." I would watch this. You haven't really lived until you've been in a room where girls are gleefully teaming up against Audrina for reasons like "how could she give relationship advice, she just said she's never had a boyfriend?" and "no wonder she's single, she doesn't have an upper lip."

I am a sucker for these posts, but seriously.....they just aren't funny anymore. How many times in your life have you referenced a TV Show. Maybe 30-50 before it gets old. But the 90210 comparisons, quips, and jokes HAVE to stop. You've used the women in a room line 40 something times in the last year. (Although the Audrina line is pretty funny) Moving on....

Q: My god that was an awesome article on the Larry-Papi debate. Good stuff. I swear you are like the Lindsay Lohan of sports writers, some days you are phenomenal and others it seems like you were out all night snorting coke and taking shots of pure gasoline. But I love ya.-- Brad Dolick, Torrance, Calif.
SG:
That was the "Backhanded Compliment of the Month." Hey, speaking of Lindsay ...

I wish I could take credit for that email, but Brad....wherever you are......truer words have never been spoken (minus the article being good). And just like the little sprite Lindsay....you're kinda stuck in Coke mode right now Simmons.

Q: Much like your columns over the past two years, you've embraced mediocrity with your choice of Spurs. Welcome to the EPL.-- Derek A., San Francisco
SG: Thank you! Great to be here.

I take it back Brad....I take it ALL back. Derek A......truer words have never been spoken.

Q: If your intention with the soccer column was to make your readers actually want you to write a Celtics column, mission accomplished. Your next column should be "Help me pick out a skirt and a fanny pack while I drink my Zima."-- Mike S., Scranton, Pa.
SG:
That was this month's winner of the "Most sarcastic soccer-related e-mail" award. By the way, this seems like a good time to mention that my father-in-law walks around with a fanny pack.

Ha....they just keep coming. Good diversion with yet another unfunny joke.

Q: You seem to be hung up on crowds and singing lately, don't know if this is a good thing. But you did get me thinking -- what is the best performance of the national anthem during a sporting event? You have to have an opinion on that one. -- Luke, Santa Barbara, Calif.
SG:
You know me too well. I'd narrow it down to these six, all available on YouTube. In reverse order ...

And here we have yet ANOTHER pointless countdown. So far we've had a 1,500 word essay on his favorite wrestler, and another on the best National Anthems. Now I love a good Anthem as much as the next American, but seriously do we need a countdown? Can someone say fluff???

So there you have the quick rundown. Onto the scoring.....

Here's our normal criteria......Timing and Relevance, Number of Boston Sports References, Knowledge of Subject, Overall Writing and Impact. But I think for mailbags I'm going to rate on only one category, and that was whether or not I was entertained. And in this case....NO, No sir....I didn't like it.

He tried to distract us by A) Putting out a huge mailbag B) Fluffing the piece with about 4 pages of nonsense C) Bitching about Vegas some more D) Talking about the Same TV Shows again (24, 90210, MTV Programming) E) Using the word Pantheon, and F) Making fun of Isiah.

It's just old. I give it a one Boston Championship Ring, and that's only because he was brave enough to put some hate mail in the mailbag. As always I appreciate your comments.....let me know what I missed. (The thing was 5,500 words!!!!)

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 11:04 AM

12 Comments:

if you dont like him, dont read him!

Anonymous said...
Aug 9, 2006, 12:52:00 PM  

Ah, the infamous Howard Stern comment. I actually DO like him (or used to). Read more and find out....actually don't ass, you won't get it anyways. Thanks for posting Anonymous.

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Aug 9, 2006, 1:02:00 PM  

Haha awfulannouncing you certainly sound upset haha. Yea I miss the "good" Bill Simmons. Perhaps he will return soon.

Mini Me said...
Aug 9, 2006, 1:17:00 PM  

Damn AA, I didn’t think the article was good, but I didn’t think it was that bad, and certainly not 1 out of 5 bad. I would call this article exceptionally average, in that it was good for one quick read thru but nothing beyond that. Perhaps my expectations for Simmons are lower than yours, but I didn’t think this was that awful (I would never defend it more than that though).

I think what I’m realizing with Simmons, and I wonder if this might be why so many people have taken up arms against him in recent months (which is completely justified), is that watching the quality of his columns decline is depressing because in many ways he is just naturally getting lamer with old age, which inevitably will to happen to everyone.

Billy has, in the past 3-4 years, enjoyed professional success previously unseen (the fact that ESPN put him in the WS of Poker just for a mag article is evidence of this), and had a kid. These are big life events and will change anyone who goes thru them, basically making the person more boring as there is a lot more at stake now with whatever they do. I think what we are witnessing currently is a shell of the Simmons we first fell in love with, and it’s depressing because every one of us knows that his decline into lameness (evidenced by this line Billy threw in the column: “I find myself thumbing through Us Weekly last week…”) is inevitable for all of us (maybe not the Us Weekly thing per se, but the onset of whatever makes old people hate young people and new things).

Aside, when was the last time we got a ‘Ramblings’ column? And didn’t those used to be more frequent? I understand those are probably columns that you write alongside normal pieces, and just hit publish when enough content has built up, but damn! The Sports Guy Ramblings were initially what drew me into Simmons years ago.

the good doctor said...
Aug 9, 2006, 2:09:00 PM  

That picture of Razor Ramon just made my day...and no, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

TJ said...
Aug 9, 2006, 2:22:00 PM  

I agree with you on the "lameness factor" (which is now trademarked). It is depressing in many ways.

As far as the article goes I was more upset that it is a smokescreen more than anything else. His readers (mostly) are pretty intelligent people as every commenter has demonstrated on this site. He just had a mailbag come out not too long ago and it was basically the exact same as this one.

It just seemed overly trite to me.

TJ- You know how I know you're gay???

AwfulAnnouncing said...
Aug 9, 2006, 2:31:00 PM  

I like Coldplay?

TJ said...
Aug 9, 2006, 4:13:00 PM  

The reason why simmons' act is tired and unfunny is the same reason why the blog that allowed you to "create your own bill simmons column” last week was brilliant: He had a style that was sarcastic/funny/relatable/current like 3 years ago, plus he had the “I’m a boston sports fan” angst about him that made him somewhat endearing.

Now, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of people on blogs like this one, deadspin, etc, who have the same sarcastic/funny/relatable/current style, and they do it 10 times better than he ever did! And now instead of angst, he has this “the patriots are the best team in the world…the red sox won the WS…boston is the center of the sports universe” arrogance about him that is really annoying.

All this, along with the same recycled pro wrestling and 90210 jokes, the fact that he watches shows like “the hills” (???) and his same predictable columns (brace yourself for a “diary of my fantasy fb draft” coming in the next couple weeks), has made his act get old real fast…

Aug 10, 2006, 9:29:00 AM  

I have to say, AA, I agree with you on this particular mailbag. I haven't even been reading Simmons for that long and I can already see a decline in the quality of columns.

Look, I'm a girl and I don't even watch "The Hills." Or 90210. I do love "The Karate Kid" though, but hell, enough is enough.

Waisting: Are you kidding? I, for one, am waiting with bated breath for the fantasy draft diary. *cough* Okay, maybe not.

P.S. I loved watching the Junkyard Dog when I was a kid.

Nyssa23 said...
Aug 10, 2006, 12:11:00 PM  
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rick said...
Aug 11, 2006, 2:27:00 PM  

Koko B Ware is actually his REAL name, and he lives in Collierville TN and works with my friend Adam at the Fedex hub..

knots said...
Aug 13, 2006, 1:12:00 AM  

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! »

Anonymous said...
Apr 26, 2007, 1:05:00 PM  

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