The Simmons Review- V.7

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

(Note from the Editor: I'm running out of different Simmons pics to post for each of these. Don't hate me if I reuse one)

So this is the article we've been waiting three years for.....the poker article from the God of Vegas.....ESPN has finally sent Simmons to VEGAS BABY!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!! I can't contain my joy....oh yea I can.

First thing that ticks me off is that this thing is two pages long. He's been hyping this up forever! Second, Mike McD isn't real.....stop acting like he is. It was a movie. I liked it too, but when I play poker I don't try to channel my inner Mikey like you. Third, he tells us nothing about who he saw there.....celebrities or "Poker Pros". Fourth, he's extremely inaccurate with some of poker's history....

"ESPN Popularized the pocket cam and made the game easier to understand."

.....Not true at all. The WPT on the Travel Channel was the first to use it. ESPN copied it, well you know, like they do everything else. Also, is it really a hard game to understand? Maybe to understand the people you're playing against, but the game is pretty straightforward.

And lastly (and most importantly), he's a whinny bitch. Bad beats are a part of the game, but he had two pair.....that's not a strong hand. I mean it's the second worst hand to have in the game. It's a game of chance....not a sport. The only redeeming quality of the article is that he didn't come out and say that it was a sport.

Grading: After hearing about this crap for years and years this is the most uninspired dribble I've ever read. Thank god that's over.....1 Poker chip out of 5 (and yes I know that's technically three but imagine it as one)

Quick Recap of Simmons Last Five Articles (not including old Madden columns that went up today):

5. An Awful Column where he takes a dump on the entire National League (Karma bites him in the ass and the Sox are swept at home by the Yankees).
4. A crappy ass Poker column where he just whines.
3. His Summer Movie Reviews (one was The Devil Wears Prada)
2. An okay column for the Mag on how to change the Sports World (this column probably took him 14 minutes to write)
1. An awful comparison of Larry Bird and David Ortiz

......keep up the good work my friend.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 5:11 PM


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Anonymous said...
Aug 22, 2006, 11:12:00 PM  

Man, Simmons is gold. He's so bad, he's good.

I read on another site a critique(bashing) of this column, I wonder if you've seen it? I don't remember the link.

Chris said...
Aug 23, 2006, 11:58:00 AM  

AA - I can see why you didn’t like this column, and if I was into poker at all I would probably feel the same way.

However, I don’t play poker very often and absolutely never watch it on tv, so I can come at this differently. I LOVED THIS COLUMN! I laughed almost the whole way through. This is a classic here - I felt like I could see Simmons’ resentment dripping off my computer monitor as I read the piece. I just read it a second time and it was still as funny as my first go-through.

This column is pure gold. Is there anything funnier than witnessing a middle-aged, affluent white guy get really worked up about something that is ultimately insignificant, like a poker tournament? Really Billy - gambling is all about luck? Seriously? I don’t know if I can remember a Simmons column with more whining that this one - which is why this column is now a benchmark on which future Simmons-when-he’s-really-bitter columns will be judged.

In my opinion, the best part of the column (coming in a close second to him calling Rounders a “suddenly dated movie”) is when he rents a car and flees town after losing. It’s just like Thompson’s Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, only 15 times more lame! This column gets a 8 out of 5 from me.

the good doctor said...
Aug 23, 2006, 12:34:00 PM  

I actually agree with Simmons when he says that poker is a hard game to understand. There are so many nuiances to the game that the best players capitalize on over time. It's a game of chance, but not in the classic sense. It's not the same type of gambling that slots or even blackjack is. Also, in the spot he was in, having top two pair is pretty strong. The only hand that beats you there is a set of kings, 10s, or 4s. He had the 4th to the nuts at that point.

Also, while the WPT was the first to use the pocket cam, it is not too inaccurate to say that ESPN popularized it. I'm not positive on this, but I think the 2003 WSOP had higher ratings than the first season of the WPT.

That doesn't mean I liked the article. I basically tore the entire thing apart on my blog Fire Joe Morgan style. Not only is Simmons a whiny bitch, but he demonstrates absolutely no understanding of the poker world. He said that there were no famous pros at the final table, even though [SPOILER ALERT!] Allen Cunningham, the 2005 WSOP Player of the Year, finished in 4th place. I don't think it even deserves a single poker chip. Maybe one of those 25 dollar chips.

We're running a bloggers fantasy league over at The Gatorade Dump and were wondering if you were interested in joining. There are 2 spots left and we're really hoping that you can show some of your expertise against other blogs from across the internet. We're also have a league blog ( for anyone to post trade information, analysis, and any other trash talking they want. If you're interested, send me an e-mail at with your e-mail address, and I'll send you an invitation. We'd love to have you aboard.

Pradamaster said...
Aug 23, 2006, 5:42:00 PM  

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