So Simmons is bringing the columns fast and furious these days. I'd like to think he's somehow seen these posts, but probably not (even though I'm going to still pretend like he has).

So Bill, an All AL article huh? Showing a little East Coast Bias? 9 printed pages totalling 5,000 words??? I'm just telling you from the start that it's not looking good for you, but I'll give you a shot.....I'm a fair person (or am I?).

Here's how it's going to work. This thing is huge, so there will be three parts much like The Simmons Review V.2 Since Simmons has ideally ranked all 14 American League teams we'll split those in half so Part 1 will have 14 to 7 in reverse order (KC, BAL, TB, SEA, CLE, TEX, TOR, OAK) and Part 2 will have 6 to 1 in reverse order (MIN, LAA, BOS [yes he ranked boston 4th!], CWS, DET, NYY). I will throw in a comment or two on his review of each team, and we will finish with the conclusion and grading in Part 3. Let us begin.

PART 1:

14. Kansas City- Here's what I don't get about the Royals: They have no money and no chance to compete for a title any time soon. We know this. So what's the point of spending 1/9th of your salary cap on Mike Sweeney, or shelling out a few million every year for over-the-hill vets like Reggie Sanders and Mark Grudzlenakalaksksak? Why not spend your available funds on your farm system
That's a pretty dead on assessment of the Royals, but I'm pretty sure the entire world has known that about this organization for years. You're not really breaking any new ground here Billy.

13. Baltimore- (P.S.- Since this is "my team" this might run-on awhile....feel free to skip ahead) Another train wreck, but for a different reason: The Orioles' pitching staff stinks to the point that somebody in the front office actually said the words, "Let's call Russ Ortiz, maybe he can help." (very good point).

We also know that it's a really, REALLY bad idea for an AL team to trade full value for an NL starter because of the adjustment from Quadruple-A to the majors -- there are so many guys that could be mentioned here, I don't have enough words, and this is the Internet -- and yet, the O's gave up Jorge Julio (a quality reliever in an era where everyone's looking for quality relievers) for Kris Benson (currently working on a 4.74 ERA).
Okay, here's our first problem. Jorge Julio was/isn't/nor will ever be quality. If he was that "quality" why would the bullpen starved Mets have traded him??? I'm not a huge stats guy, so I hope the guys over at Sportszilla dive into this one for me, but the year before Julio got traded from Bmore his ERA was 5.90. Before the Mets traded him his ERA was 5.06. That seems like quality to me. And on a side note there was not a reliever in O's history that pissed me off more than Julio. Yep, not even Armando "I give up homers to Tony Frickin' Fernandez who had 4 on the year" Benitez.

So who's left? Erik Bedard (a solid No. 3 starter on the right team)
A #3?!?!?! Okay Billy....first of all Bedard is currently a two starter, but let's do some comparison here. Let's take just the number 2 starters for each of your top 5 teams.

Bedard: 12-8, 3.81 ERA, 125 Ks, 148.2 IP
Mussina: 13-5, 3.54 ERA, 148 Ks, 165.1 IP
Buehrle: 9-10, 4.87 ERA, 74 Ks, 157 IP
Beckett: 13-7, 5.02 ERA, 126 Ks, 152.1 IP
Bonderman: 11-5, 3.69, 159 Ks, 165.2 IP
Escobar: 8-10, 3.89 ERA, 106 Ks, 138.2 IP

Now just going by stats....you know the same stats that make you think that Ortiz is the best thing since sliced bread.....Bedard is better than at least 3 of the #2 starters from the top 5 teams. All this while playing for (as you say) the #13 ranked team in the AL. Riiiiiight.....moving on.

12. Tampa Bay- Baldelli tweaked his hammy again, which is now becoming the Fred Taylor's Groin of baseball body parts. Star prospect B.J. Upton came up and completely crapped the bed
(Good Point and funny.)

Blah Blah Blah....fantasy league.....blah.....AL Only.......blah blah.....my buddy Hench.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FANTASY TEAMS!!!!!!!!! And another thing what fag (not that there's anything wrong with that) shares a fantasy team??? Seriously? Do any of you do that?

11. Seattle- (A) A little too much hype for King Felix. When he stumbled for the first three months, it seemed to take the wind out of their sails. Even I cooled on him since my typically overexcited column last year, mainly because of his body (did he hire Bartolo Colon's chef?) and his bizarre tendency to look great for five out of six innings and completely self-destruct in the other one (I call this the Rodrigo Lopez Syndrome...and a great band name). I'd put him behind Liriano, Kazmir and Weaver at this point. Disappointing. Should we have nicknamed him Prince Felix? I feel like we failed him in some way.
Okay.....a few things here. Felix was way overhyped, but so isn't every young pitcher? But how can you throw Kazmir in that category???? This is technically his second full year and third in the bigs.

(C) Their big-money sluggers (Beltre and Sexson) are killing them. Again. And that's not even a surprise. The most common mistake in pro sports? A franchise overpaying a name player who isn't a sure thing, with the reason usually being, "Look, we spent all this money, we're serious, we want to win!" (Just look at what happened in the NBA this summer -- Peja for $64 million, Nene for $60M and whatever Al Harrington ends up getting … this might be the first summer where 90 percent of the teams actually got worse.)
Very Very good point. Which will be highlighted not be Harrington but by whichever team sign Bonzi "Contract Year" Wells.

10. Cleveland- (Note: Normally I'd have more to say, but I'm tired of Cleveland readers complaining every time I write something even mildly negative about one of their teams, no matter how accurate that assessment might be. Now I'm thinking that Cleveland fans are like women -- if they ask you how they look, just tell them, "You look fine, you look great" or else you're in for 20 minutes of pure hell. So to recap, the Indians look fine, they look great. Let's move on.)
It's funny cause it's true.

A PUNCHER'S CHANCE

9. Texas- First of all I don't see how Texas has a "Punchers Chance", but okay. (On the bright side, they can still look forward to the day when Buck Showalter resigns and they win a World Series 12 months later. Good times.)
I can't wait for that either actually.

8. Toronto- (A) Roy Halladay reminds me of the pitchers I grew up watching (like Catfish Hunter or Jack Morris), one of those rugged guys with a cool name and kick-ass facial hair, someone who seems like he'd welcome any slugger charging the mound, the kind of guy who gets pissed when his manager walks to the mound in the ninth because he wants to finish the game. He's just a horse. Love that guy. Great baseball name as well. Sounds like a new character on "Deadwood" or something.
I couldn't agree more. Another thing I didn't realize is that Halladay is only 29! He's been in the league for 9 years. If Halladay averages 15 wins a year and plays until he's Randy Johnson's age he will finish with 289 wins. So 300 wins isn't that far out of reach for him....barring injuries.

7. Oakland- I can't take the A's seriously -- no home-field advantage, not a single dangerous bat, no Rich Harden, a 1-2 punch of starters (Zito and Haren) who seem to get shelled every three weeks (only their statistics don't reflect this for some reason), and a good bullpen that's helmed by the exceedingly hittable Huston Street (trust me, he's on my AL-only team; even when he's shaking hands after the save, you're still waiting for something bad to happen). And did I mention the legacy of playoff losses? They're like the Memphis Grizzlies of the American League. Whatever.
While the playoffs part is true.....I don't see how you CAN'T take the A's seriously. They are crushing your 5th place team right now Bill and Harden is coming back relatively soon. They have a 6 1/2 game lead on the Angels, 9-1 in their last 10, and their next series is versus the Royals.

The other thing Bilbo should note is that if his team happens to make the playoffs they would most certainly not want to play the A's in a five game series (not that this would happen because no one is catching the Tigers). To put the A's behind the Twins and Angels is retarded. And to put Boston ahead of the Twins is ridiculous as well (Another team that I would NOT want to play in a five game series)

Part 1 was average. The writing and jokes weren't bad, but some of the stats were out of wack. Let's see if he can bring it back around in Part 2.......be back later today.