The Simmons Review- V.9

Friday, August 25, 2006

Okay I think we can finally say that reader "The Good Doctor's" Theory is true:
Time for Beer, Brats, and Favre

Simmons' decline over the past few years, essentially since he left Boston for Kimmel, should make us all understand why, especially with writing, miserable people are usually the most entertaining. I think that, even given his success with ESPN, the shitty Boston winters probably kept Billy great to read for a while after he enjoyed commercial prosperity. Now with a successful book under his belt, a child, and a nice home in an area of the country where the weather is perfect everyday, what is there in Billy’s life to keep him interesting? Given this, can you blame him for pounding out several thousand words of stupid crap twice a week and not caring if its good?
All it takes for Simmons to write an amazing article are: Beer, no Sports Gal around, no Sports Baby around, Hanging out with Dudes, Beer, phallic foods, not being in LA, not talking about Boston, Beer, and Beer.

Two points of contention though (you knew I couldn't let this go unscathed):

1) 8:54 --
Did I mention that the 7-8-9 batters for Houston tonight are Adam Everett (hitting .239), Eric Munson (.207) and Brandon Backe (.139)? Let's just legalize performance-enhancing drugs in the National League. It's time.
While this point is well and good.....Backe is a pitcher. I wouldn't expect him to be a great batter.

2) 9:35 -- We decide to leave after the third quarter -- if we have any chance to getting back to Milwaukee in time for a few more drinks, we need to leave now. It hurts to go. Literally. I can't move. I have about eight pounds of undigested food in my stomach.
The old Sports Guy would have never done this. I HATE people who leave games early to beat traffic (whether it's to drink or not.....that's why you stock up on beers at the end of the third quarter.)

I absolutely loved this article for many reasons, but mainly because of it's simplicity. This is what I read 3-4 years ago when I was in college. This is why I bought his stupid book (and I HATE the RedSox). This is why I write these reviews. I want that writer back....I would never tell someone to give up their family, so I guess I'm going to have to settle on one good column every year (give or take).

So does this mean I will stop doing the Simmons' Review....probably not. But I know this.....If I decide to stop doing it there's always the Skip Bayless Review (too bad he only writes a column every two weeks). 5 out of 5 Patriots Rings.

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 2:11 PM


I've said it before and I'll say it again...Skip Bayless is the anti-christ.

TJ said...
Aug 25, 2006, 3:18:00 PM  

Amen, Skip Bayless blows. It's not even because I disagree with him -- it's because he just tries too hard. Sadly, I don't read much of Page 2 anymore. Jason Whitlock annoys me. The Quickie can't go away fast enough. Bomani Jones is pretty good. Gregg Easterbrook makes me want to strangle myself.

Aug 25, 2006, 3:56:00 PM  

He made a few factual errors though. One, he said Carlos Lee was traded to Chicago (it was Texas) He also said the Bernie Brewer slide was in right field, when it is actually in left, but that isn't a big deal. One annoying thing he did was cross-promote the ESPN mobile phone (granted it could have been sarcasm, ridiculing ESPN's own marketing campaign)

Aug 25, 2006, 8:11:00 PM  

Uh Ross, it was definitely a joke. Also, i really don't think it's a big deal that he left an EXHIBITION game early. maybe getting drunk in a city is more fun than losing your buzz as you watch undrafted rookies miss blocks. I guess that might just be me and Simmons though.

Aug 26, 2006, 10:43:00 PM  

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