"seriously andy, the results are sealed! no one will EVER find out. I'm in the clear...if you catch my drift."

So this guy was bathing my balls with his tongue while I'm blowing this tranny and the whole time I'm thinking...do you think this will hurt my reputation more then if people knew I'm roided up? But then I remembered that the tests were confidential and I had nothing to worry about.

You know, what people don't understand is that steroids are the bless and the curse - bigger stats, smaller penis.

And I know YOU know what I'm talking about, Andy. Well, minus the bigger stats part.

"You know, she told me it was a fetish she had, but I knew something was fishy when that stripper asked me to pee in a cup..."

"I am Alex F'ing Rodriquez. They can't touch me, dawg!"

Come on, when I said "inject me in the ass" I didn't mean....

"In the butt, Bob" - man, that's my favourite clip from the Newlywed Game...

"So I ask Rick Riley, 'You want me to pee where?'".

You did steroids, too?!

That means we can be best friends!

So then I was like "absoulutely no comment...talk to the hand....uhhh...I mean the union, man..."....And Madonna was totally down down with saying the speciman was hers...

Yep let me just tie off this arm, okay got a vein - Alex hand me that syringe?

I know, I know it just seems like a superstition, but I don't like to roid up in the playoffs. I just get a funny feeling about it, but now it's spring so I pumped myself full of the stuff.

Seriously, you only used the stuff twice? No wonder you have no Cy Young Awards.

"Dude, its been 5 years since I tested positive and it still hasn't come out to the press! Thank god for Barry Bonds, Madonna's kaballah vagina, and my "Bi" mannerisms! LOL"

"So my trainer injects the stuff into his arm and then he puts his no-no into my fanny and I get steroids. He said that's how they can't trace the stuff. It just get so uncomfortable towards the end of the season, that I can never concentrate...you know?"

I'm tell you, Andy, Canseco's wife is as good as mine.

No joke Andy! You slap a wig on and some lipstick and you're a dead ringer for the stripper I hooked up with last night!

A-Rod: "I took your advice and bought Selig a new diamond and ruby Pimp Cup."
Andy: "You won't hear about that failed test ever again."

Cmon, it's not like I'll lose any of my cash over the whole ordeal even IF they do find out. I've got it all tied up with this guy Madoff, he's promised me a biiig return. You want his number?

I mean every freaking time I look at Jason I'm like, "Dude you won the MVP and you were roided up. What are stupid? I mean I gave him the same stuff that hid my test results for years. Did he ever use it NNNOOOOOO!! What a moron."

Those suckers will never figure out what we are doing!

And then I put my hands out like this and Madonna took off her shirt, walked up to me, and set them right in my palms!

You been 'roiding long?

(If anybody doesn't get it, check out this link.

What else could I do? They wouldn't let me sacrifice a live chicken in the locker room.

Seriously, Madonna is HOT. If she EVER divorces her husband, I'm gonna be all over that. Listen, she's so worn out down there that any size pecker is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway so it doesn't matter if I'm roided up!

"Remember, it's not a lie, if YOU believe it."

ARod: "So we've both admitted to using performance enhancing drugs; forever tarnishing our legacies. How should we raise our spirits?"

AP: "Money fight!"

"Haha, I signed my 275 million dollar contract the day before the Mitchell Report came out."

I'm telling you, this high sock look is so boss, Andrew. You know wut ahm sayin'?!

*snaps

AP: "AFraud, why did you do it?

ARod: "I have got about 20 millions reasons"

I have to put it in my butt? But I'm not gay

Oh Andy, you old so and so. So explain to me this things called the cream and clear?

So, Andy, what sounds best when I testify before Congress? "I'm not here to talk about the past".

Nah.

"My no spik Ngliss".

They won't buy that one.

"I haven't even been honest with myself".

Bingo. That's the one.

Pettitte - "Yeah right, YOU taking steriods"

Rodriguez - "No, it's the truth, I really did take steriods."

...And I said 'How am I gonna cover my tracks with these supplements?' and Giambi moons me and says "Why don't you cover these tracks!"

A-Rod: "I'm just keeeeding!!!"

"So Canseco says 'Rectum? I nearly killed him'"