Hey Sam, check out my Heisman pose!

So Sam, want to see all the bailout money?

Sam, do you know how to run a Ponzi scheme?

Billy Sims in the background: "Boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer, boomer"

Minutes after ringing the opening bell to the NYSE, Sam Bradford watched his stock in the NFL draft drop 10 spots....

Sam Bradford looks on in amazement at how his statue his now the tallest building in NYC. Oh wait, that statue is only in the minds of the Heisman voters and the voters in the BCS system. Never mind.

Gee Sam, we're really sorry about all these "Welcome, Tim" signs... we were kinda expecting someone else...

And over here we have the listing of the car lot Oklahoma football players "work" at...

Dude in glasses: "Now he's at Auburn, Gene Chizik nickels are guaranteed to go up in value."
Bradford: "Sounds good. Who else have you advised in the past?"
Dude in glasses: "All your favorites: Derrick Coleman, Wyclef Jean, Mike Tyson..."

Sam, everyone here believes that you should stop cutting your own hair.

Tim Tebow prepares to ring the bell at the NYSE (photo credit: Fox Sports)

The next stage of the bailout plan, the US government will invest Sam Bradford in the Detroit Lions

I get it, so this place is like about money and stuff?

We have our bananas over here in case you're hungry, we have our trees you can climb over there and our statue of Bill Walton over there. Would you like some Samsonite luggage to throw around? I was a huge fan of Land of the Lost, by the way...

"Let's start the bidding at $10. Can I get $10 for this fine young man? No? How about $5? ... Come on! He WON the Heisman..."

And if you look over there to your right you'll see Danny Wuerffel, Eric Crouch, and Jason White begging for scraps...

Actually we don't care you won the Heisman. We actually wanted to thank you for beating Oklahoma State again. T. Boone is such an easy mark when the Cowboys lose, so thanks again.

Listen, young man. Investing has been so bad this year that we're trying something else. If you could lose to Florida by three TD's, I can make it worth your while.

Bradford: "So Mortimer and Randolph, where is Billy Ray and Louis Winthorpe III?"

This makes it official, The Lions are on the clock.

I have one just like it home. It does say 'OJ Simpson' on it, though.

If you stare hard enough the stocks might go up.

glasses: i got twentytwentytwentytwenty 25! twentyfive going once twice sold!


sb:listen sir, i appreciate the offer, but auctioning me off to Detroit instead of giving them $25 billion just doesn't seem fair to anybody. and by anybody, i mean me.

As you can see Sam, the price per barrel of discarded foreskins has gone through the roof following Tim Tebow's mission trip to Africa. It's really a hot commodity right now. It's probably the best place to invest the money you made at Big Red Sports and Imports this summer.

"Dude, why does that guy with the mustache keep asking me about frozen concentrated orange juice?"

-Sam Bradford

Boomah!

Bradford: Can you believe that d-bag, The Big Lead, posted a picture of my girlfriend on his website?

Yes, Sam, a lot has changed since your tribe was pillaged and forced to modernize. This probably looks like the old casinos that you had back in Oklahoma, eh, Chief?

In this case BCS stands for Bitchy Crotchety Stockbrokers

And over here on your right are all the women who now want your d*ck.

Sam: "Tim, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance."

Tim Tebow: "Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want voting reopened right now. Get those voters back in here! Turn those machines back on!"

And over here, Mr. Bradford, is your rites of patches.

Out of frame: angry Texas fan yelling "You're a HACK, Bradford!"

Police confirmed that Nick Jonas was indeed the thief of the missing Heisman trophy when he was apprehended with college football's illustrious prize at the New York Stock Exchange Tuesday.

Sam Bradford brought his trophy to the NYSE Tuesday to see if he could exchange it for any stocks. In other news, Sam Bradford is now the majority shareholder of General Motors.

At another location, Graham Harrell was giving a speech to the "Christmas Sweaters Wearer of America"

See that, Sam? That's the stock market falling at the exact same rate as DeMarco Murray's draft stock.

Bradford: "Who threw that shoe?!?!"
On Left: "That guy right there!"

Sheee-oot, whenever I rang a bell at a market in Oklahoma, Ol' Cooter comes out and fills my gas tank!

Bradford: This ain't no market, there ain't Kools or lottery tickets or nothin!

Old guy: And this, young man, is what you learned all about in Economics class.

Bradford: Class?

Old guy: And if you look by the main entrance, you'll see Gino Torreta, delivering a pizza.

And over there is where all your future earnings will be lost as our economy spirals further and further down the toilet.

"Don't leave me hangin', Bradford".

"Sam, the SEC we have here is different than the one that dominates in the BCS championship games".

"I throw da ball! I win da twofy! I wing da bell!"

In a move that surprised no one, ESPN's College Gameday crew immediately criticized the New York Stock Exchange for not inviting Tim Tebow, even though he did NOT win the Heisman.

To prove they can buy anything that they want, the New York Yankees have decided to sign Sam Bradford to $100 million contract to ring the bell every day at the New York Stock Exchange for the next 8 years.

Sam Bradford and the two NYSE reps watch intently as their over/under bet about the stock market falling 100 points in the first 30 seconds of trading is decided.

Shortly after ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Sam Bradford is named the new head of the U.S. Treasury Department by President-Elect Barack Obama. In response to Bradford's thin qualifications, President-Elect Obama said "Well, he can't do much worse than the losers in there now."

Bradford told the guys that just wait til the end of the day, thats when I'll run up the final point total for the day

Leftman:You see our numbers going up, up, up
Bradford: All I see are your numbers going nowhere like Oklahoma will do against Florida at the 2009 FedEX BCS National Championship Game on FOX. Come watch it in 3-D at the Park Slope Pavillion 9 in Brooklyn on January 8, 2009.
Rightman: I'll take you up on that offer Sam.

So just like you stole the National Championship game from Texas, we steal billions of dollars from people right over there!

I just want to make it snow

"Gentlemen... start your engines!"
"Uh... Mr. Bradford..."

Yes, Sam, it is like magic. When you sign your NFL contract, you give the money to these guys, "MAGIC" and then you get more!

Believe it or not, this place used to make people money!

"Sam, see that over there...the crapper? That is where you can find the NFL careers of everyone else that received this trophy before you. Good luck with that."

Sam, we've been trying to make Billy Sims shut up all morning but he said that he won't stop until you say "Sooner"

Wait, can you explain it to me like I'm five?

Okay, let's say you want to open a lemonade stand this summer. Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to buy cups, lemons, and supplies. But it only costs you niine dollars. So, you want to spend that last dollar so that next summer....

I'll be six

Bradford, "I'm flattered that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is honoring me by matching the amount of passing yards I threw this season."

ESPN caption:

Tim Tebow rings the bell at the New York Stock Exchange."