Who's my sexatary?.....uh I mean secretary.

Florida International?

This isn't Temple?

What the hell is that writing behind me then?

With the ink on his contract still wet, Isiah heads to his first official visit... the Delta Kegger.

Now that Isiah has arrived at campus, any freshman girl who has yet to turn 18 is required to wear a warning label identifing her as a minor at all times.

I'm WHERE?!?! Aw man, I am going to kill my agent!

"Given some time, I will fuck this shit up... I mean, even more than it's already fucked up.

Popcorn, anyone?"

I'm just excited to shlep myself down to Florida, even though it's full of Goyim. I accomplished bubkis in New York, and the whole situation was fahklumpt. Plus I hear there are many beautiful shiksas on the FIU campus.

"I was trying to use this job to leverage more money out of the Clippers but they realized I sucked... so now I'm here. Excuse me but I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up some sleeping pills for my, um... daughter."

A past so bright, I gotta wear shades.

I have been to the Florida in America before, but I am excited to be here at the Florida in Internationl today for the first time.

I did not accept this position. It was my daughter that accepted this job.

At least I can sulk at the Florida beaches instead of my million dollar penthouse in the city...

In related news, Jimmy Carter has just proudly accepted a position as Sheriff of Hazzard County.

"Hello good looking. Do you mind if I sexually harras you?"

Thomas: Well it's quite an honor to be here. I'm really looking forward to getting in the gym and getting back to coaching. I'm just thrilled to be a Gator.

Reporter: Isiah, don't you mean thrilled to be a Golden Panther?

Thomas: Golden what-now?

I already tried to kill myself, just did it back there. I had Jose Canseco inject my butt with ten liters of silicone, didn't seem to work though.

"Take off those glasses right now! I know you're looking at Erin Andrews!"

IT: "I am here to announce that NED will be switching from football to basketball... once he gets off his crutches."

Pictured: Isiah Thomas (center), bastard love child of Tim Duncan and Joakim Noah (right).

Give me a year - and I'll run this program into the ground too...

It's crazy enough, it might just work. And if it doesn't I can always fall back on coaching girls at the local YMCA.

I tried to kill myself but had never considered just changing my name. Hopefully this Isiah Thompson thing will stick.

Isiah: Well I don't know about who is going to play at point guard, but how about some sex and then shopping Missy?

That's right, I plan to either trade away recruits for players with no eligibility left, or just collect selfish, moody point guards.

Isiah: "Using all the lessons Bobby Knight taught me, I can't wait until FIU is dominating the Sunt Belt Conference."

"I want to live. And by 'live', I mean 'kill this basketball program.'"

I love living...except when living involves being Isiah Thompson.

Listen, to get these kids here, we're just going to have to out-bid all the other schools. I'm giving my salary back so we can afford to sign the guys we need. We don't pay these kids? We'll that's the first thing I'm gonna change here at FIU!

A shocking story late this afternoon it seems the Jordan/Thomas feud continues. Here is Isaiah addressing reporters upon learning that Michael has given 100 million dollars to Florida international with the stipulation that they fire him.