Dude, I do NOT look like Michael Phelps. If I do, then you look like Herman Munster, you jerk.

Yeah, this is Eli Manning just calling to remind you that I'm still UNSTOPPABLE!!!

I'm not tryin to be a Dick but the Billy Madison quote though funny may be jumping the shark

"Yeah Mom, I remembered to thank my offensive line today."

"Hi. Is this Hannah Montana? Really? Hi, Hannah. My name is Eli, and I'm your biggest fan..."

Yeah No I prefer to stash my gun in a Pair a Wranglers vs Sweat pants it tend to be more secure

"Oh come on mom. Please, please, please! Can I stay at Kevin Boss' house tonight? Pllleeaaassseeee!"

Yes, Mom, Plaxico wasn't playing nice so I left and watched Terms of Endearment with Peyton. It was fun!

IM THE MOTHAFUCKIN BEST

" No mom, the gun is in the OTHER pocket "

Eli caught on the phone with Elisha Cuthbert, tying to set up a sloppy seconds for himself.

Put your left hand in...take your left hand out...put your left hand in...and you shake it all about...

Why yes, my refrigerator is running. Why do you ask?

"... and that's why I don't eat shrimp!"

"No, I got it the first time. Yeah, I know, 'shotgun formation'. I get it. I know, it's a football term, and also my WR shot himself. With a gun. No, you're abolutely the first one to make that connection, I appreciate you calling me. Look, you're breaking up on me, I'm going to hang up now..."

Wait. So, you shot yourself? How the hell?!? You know what, I don't have time for this, I have another Citizen Eco-Drive commercial to shoot.

Yes Dad I am talking with the phone in my left hand to rest my arm. (rolls eyes)

Yes, the Plax story is true.......and I am serious, but dont call me Shirley.

Yup...I totally framed him. Yup, Marvin Harrison too. Watch your back Peyton, Im like the Keyser Sose of this football shit.

"Who is this? Plaxico??

Now who wishes he showed up for workouts in NY?

And remember for next time...you only get 1 phone call..why'd you waste it calling me?

"What do you mean there can be a tie in the Double Stuff Racing League??? I never knew that! Why can't you just open a new package and keep going???"

Hey buddy, how's the thigh doing? Do you need me to come over and rub some lotion on it? Will htat make it feel better?

Wait, wait, wait...you can save me how much over my current log distance carrier?

Eli: "So what did Sean Avery say about my ex-girlfriend?"

Peyton, what are you talking about?? An ornithological event???... Oh goddamnit, not again! I DON'T CARE IF THE BIRD IS THE WORD!

"...ok I'm at the stadium now, I have to go, bye....you didn't hang up either! ...no you hang up...you hang up, ok, I'm going to hang up now...ahhhhh you didn't hang up either...ok...ok...bye bye Pey Pey."

After finally pulling Eric Mangini's razor phone out of the back of the SUV, Eli Manning is annointed King of the Meadowlands!

Eli: MY PICTURE IS ON AWFUL ANNOUNCING?!?! CAN'T WE SEND A CEASE & DESIST ORDER OR SOMETHING?

Hey brother! Can you believe I'm on my way to possibly winning my second Super Bowl? And in a row, too! How about that!

How long did it take you, again?

Eli on the phone with Peyton...

Peyton: I can't believe that about Plaxico...
Eli: I know..
Peyton: It just doesn't make any sen....
*BEEP, BOOP, BEEP*
Peyton: Eli, you already dialed...
Eli: opps
Peyton: so anyway, you have to make sure your saying all the right things, like being a good teammate and all that st...
*BEEP, BOOP, BEEP*
Peyton: mmmmmmm...

No dad, I'm dead serious, THE L.L. Bean! They want me to be their spokesman! They just sent me all this neat-o stuff like a beige collared sweatshirt, this is the way better than the Citizen sponsorship.

I thought the expression was "he shot himself in the foot"?

Wait what you mean he actually shot himself in the leg?

In the spirit of Earth Wind and Fire I must say that he funked himself up there...

Call me sir God Dammit!

"No, mom. I'm not rejoining the Double Stuff Racing League."

Hey bro, i just bought a sweet PSP. It's in my pocket.

Eli-"I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake"

Archie on the other end-"You'll get nothing, and like it."

Some people will do anything to get out of facing Brian Dawkins.

Eliminating Tiki: 1 Failing primadonna TV Host

Eliminating Shockey: 1 Unproductive loudmouth traded and sinking another team

Eliminating Plax: 1 Self Inflicted Gunshot Wound

Selling your soul to the Devil to complete his master plan: Priceless

Watch out Lawrence Tynes, you may be next!

Layla Kiffin? Hey I'm Peyton's little bro, he said I could ask you for a favor since Lane owes him one....Lemme Know

Eli Manning is....UNSTOPPABLE!!!

not so funny any more, is it?

Who's Dion Phaneuf and why won't he stop calling me?

"No, Plax, I don't have a game check you can borrow. What do you mean it's urgent? I don't care that Michael and Charles are over, I'm not giving you money to go to Vegas with a gunshot wound in your leg."

Yeah girl he really did shoot his self. No he ain't single!

Eli: "Coach, I read in the paper this morning that we clinch a playoff spot if we tie this week..."

Coughlin: "Shhh, don't let the Eagles know our gameplan."

Daaaaad, you promised that I would be SI Sportsman of the Year and not that assclown Micheal Phelps. Don't they realize I am the Super Bowl MVP? This is so unfair.

Eli doing a Motorola commercial: Yo, Peyton, where you at?

Eli: Peyton, I love you, but what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Andy Reid is way over 375 pounds, you twatwaffle.

Dude, where's my car?

I think that line has officially from Billy Madison jumped the shark.

opps,I wrote that wrong. Let me rephrase that: I think that line from Billy Madison has offiially jumped the shark.

Eli: So how do I get Peyton back?

Detective Jimmy Shaker: Are you going to pay me?

Eli: Of course I am.

Detective Jimmy Shaker: Then it shouldn't be a problem.

"So like I got this job like being the thrower for this footbaaalll team. . .I know totallly, right?. . . And now like, this guy with like a really weird name and is supposed to catch the ball just shot himself. OMG, I knowwww. Suck a dumb jock."

Such*

Peyton, it IS on like Donkey Kong!

Idk, my bff Plaxico

"Movie quote"

"I dont know if I can make it. I might have something to do the first Sunday in February."

Listen, Peyton heard how I got rid of Plaxico, now he wants to do the same thing to Marvin. So, hey, listen, I want somebody good - and I mean very good - to plant that gun. I don't want my brother coming out of that toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright?

Eli: Hello? Oh hi Tee Martin, get me a large pepperoni with some breadsticks and a soda?

"I absolutely will not accept a collect call from Harris Smith."

I know Peyton...at least your star wide receiver was smart enough to get rid of the gun!!

Hi Cooper, I know you are not the "Black Sheep" of the family. Tell Daddy I am coming home for Christmas and tell Mom to make my bed.

I didn't want to ride the team bus anyway.

Peyton on the other end: So Eli, how do you feel about facing Jim Johnson's blitzes on Sunday?

Eli: I'm so excited. I'M SO EXCITED! I'm so.....so scared.

What do mean I got a dorky new haircut? The "Flock of Seagulls" look is coming back soon. Hey! My mom said I was the coolest QB in the locker room.

Tiki... STOP CALLING ME!

Yes! I can hear you now.
I'm going to take a couple steps and then ask me again, ok?

Howard Stern called and wanted to do an interview about my sex life?
I didn't think we could have sex this soon into a marriage.
Bradshaw said we have to wait 3-years!

"Mr. Salisbury, I would prefer it if you didn't send me any more picture messages of your penis."

Eli: "Awww Dad, what do you mean you are giving the company to Peyton?! Did the penguin put you up to this???"

Archie (on the other end): "Penguin?!?!"

No, Tony. Just because I am a quarterback in New York, doesn't mean I can get you a pair of Brett Farve's underwear.

Move my reinforcements from Madagascar to South Africa and then don't touch the board until I get home!

Can you hear me now?...Good

Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.

Phone: "This is Tiki Barber. I'm busy preparing for some stellar analysis, so please leave a message at the beep. (BEEP)"

Eli: "Hey Tiki. This is my daily call to tell you to SUCK IT!!! I've got Super Bowl ring and all you've got is a job carrying Ann Curry's tampon bag. Have a great day."

"Hey, Eli, what's up? How's Indy treating you? No, no, they still haven't figured out that brain switch we did before the season. Tell Dad I said hi. Later."