Reporter: So, Mr. Moss, where are you going to get the funding for your race team?

Moss: Straight cash, homey...

Randy Moss is trying out a new sport, NASCAR, because he has become a forgotten has-been in football. What teams did he play for in the NFL?

Randy Moss is so upset that the Patriots didn't go 19-0 that he is quitting football and setting up a NASCAR team. If his team doesn't go 19-0 and win the Daytona 500 then he pledges to quit sports forever because winners like him are not supposed to lose.

"Wait, the drivers aren't encouraged to run over traffic cops. Then I'm out, man."

You're not fooling anyone, Andy Richter.

Daytona International Speedway? Andy, I thought you told me this press conference was to help your sons, Garrett and Britt, deal with all of their problems.

"When I said I wanted a 'Big Fat Dollar' deal, this isn't what I meant and you know it."

Moss: "I figured that since I talk like a NASCAR owner, then I might as well become one."

Andy Reid: “We'll see how it goes. Brian is our primary running back, but we will utilize (Gordon's) talents as we go. We'll give Lamar a chance to get acclimated, and we'll see how he progresses.”
Moss: "that's wack Homie!"

Left turn cash, homey!

Randy: It's like I always say, when the going gets tough, quit.

Now wait a minute... I thought Moss resigned with the Patriots. And when did the Eagles move to Daytona?

This is my hairstylist Davey G, he does a mean African braid man, the Buckwheat fro was his idea.

"You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up."

/Gratuitous Big Lebowski Quote

Thank god there were nameplates.

Next cracker reporter who asks if my truck will have spinners is dead.

"Why not? I already cover horse racing."

I can confirm to all of you here that, no matter how many times they call and ask me for a position on the team, I will not hire Daunte Culpepper, Jeff George, or Randall Cunningham. I'm done extending their careers longer than they should've gone.

After at loss for words on how he would handle hitting another car Randy fell back to the old line....

"I've always said time and time again that I am going to stand up for what's right. Whatever happened, it was an accident. I wish I could sit here and yell you all what happened. But there is a lawsuit or whatever is been coming against me, I can't really explain or tell you all what is going on. All I want to say is that I'm going to continue to play football."

We want to set the record straight that neither of us have, nor ever will, watch The Tim McCarver Show.

While attempting to field questions, a stoned Randy Moss and hungry David Dollar give death stares towards local hillbillies loading up at the media buffet station.

I told Joe Gibbs I'd meet him anywhere, anytime.

Good thing I just got that new contract, ya'll. Cause in case you didn't know, all this Straight Gas Homey that these fools be using costs some serious Straight Cash Homey.

Andy Reid silently sits by while Moss talks more BS

That's correct -- our primary sponsor will be Mooneyes and we'll race exclusively in Green Bay.

"I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with my hands right now."

When asked what his reaction to Joe Buck's interview with Cowherd was, Randy Moss stated, "That was a disgusting comment by Joe Buck, and it's unfortunate they had it on that Awful Announcing website..."

As seen and heard on Sesame Street:

"One of these things is not like the others
One of these things just doesn't belong
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?"

"Welker said white people would pay straight cash to watch this shit."

Randy Moss stuns reporters as he describes how it is possible to still take plays off in NASCAR.

Also, he would like to thank his sponsor "Grape Soda Monthly."

"We are fully committed to producing a top-quality police buddy comedy."

Randy-"Um yeah, where all my Nathan's hot dogs at?"
Dollar- *burp* "Sorry..."

Reporter: "Randy what do you say to all the critics who say NASCAR shouldn't throw a team your way?"

Moss: "I'm Randy Moss."

randy: "Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?"

"Don't worry, it'll all make sense. I'm a professional."