WE ARE...TEXAS?!

"That's what I love about college football, man... I get older, the players stay the same age, alrrrighttt...."

I need you to go to a small town across the boarder for me and pick something up. Go to El Pollo Cantina and get the stuff from Jose. If your car is searched at the boarder, well then you will be doing some time for me. Now go!

I GOT THE TiVO!

Mac Brown: "I killed one, Matt... the thing I love most in the world."

Matty MC: "A hooker... Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!"

"Why are we YELLING?!"

Matty MC: [about Colt McCoy] "They're going to kill him!"

Mac Brown: "And we'll weep for him... in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually - and I'm talkin' way, way down the road - we file an insurance claim."

I love them redheads!

Get Carroll's fat ass OUTTA HERE!!!

No, AA & SportsByBrooks aren't using the same pic for a caption contest. I'm just that talented!

It's just a playoff beard. What there's no playoffs? That's BS man!

"That's what I love about these high school girls, man: I get older, they stay the same age."

MM: listen you little twerp, believe in the ball and throw yourself.

kid: sir, I'm the waterboy...

I did too take a shower today!!!

During the Fiesta Bowl, Texas assigned Matthew McConaughey to babysit Mack Brown's stepson

Yes, Jim Tressel deserves to die and I hope he burns in Hell!

"My beard is way cooler, than your mullett."

"Longhorns! Storm the Field!"

Discover the power of protein in the land of lean beef!

As a result of not changing his attire since his last Create the Caption appearance, Matthew McConaughey has earned the nickname Matty Lice among Longhorn faithful.

You tell Andy Reid this is how you grow a damn BEARD!

Yeah, well, you better NOT tell Colt I banged his girl at halftime!

Get outta my face! I'm Matthew McConaughey! I could have sex with ANYONE I want in this building, men included. I'm not leaving this sideline without Mack Brown's merkin?

Hey look! It's Matthew McConaughey! Isn't it cute? He thinks he's people!

BRAH!!!

Matty Mc after a 75-year old man stood up said he was sexier than Matty. And the ladies agreed with the old man.

Nobody puts Lance Armstrong in the corner!

"No Tressel, this beard does NOT make me look like Spencer from the Hills. How dare you?!"

ON LOCATION: After "Blown Away" and "Arlington Road", Jeff Bridges plays Matthew McConaughey in the frat house-themed, psycho-bomber-thriller, "Blown Austin".

Son, don't tell me what tough is...tough is getting arrested at 2 a.m., naked, drunk, smokin' the reefer and playing the bongos. When you have that experience then we'll talk about tough.

I did not have sexual relations with Lance Armstrong!

Don't tell me to keep my shirt on. If Matthew McConnaughey says it's shirts off weather, then by God it's shirts off weather!!

Matthew McConaughey: For those of you who may not know, this is the final resting place for the 2006 The Ohio State Buckeyes. The speed that took their undefeated season was so severe, so absolute, that their bodies were unable to be identified. So they were buried here. Together. Sons of the Buckeye State. This is their past, gentlemen. This is where they have been. This is how they got here. This is who they are. Today, I want to talk about our opponent this afternoon. They're bigger, slower, colder, older and on paper, just like in ‘06, they're just better. And they know it too. But I want to tell you something that they don't know. They don't know your heart or your speed. I do. I've seen it. You have shown it to me. You have shown this coaching staff, your teammates. You have shown yourselves just exactly who you are in here.

[Thumps his chest]

Matthew McConaughey: When you take that field today, you've got to lay that heart on the line, men. From the souls of your feet, with every ounce of blood you've got in your body, lay it on the line until the final whistle blows. And if you do that, if you do that, we cannot lose. We may be behind on the scoreboard at the end of the game but if you play like that we cannot be defeated. Now we came here today to remember six young men and sixty-nine others who will not be on the field with them today, but they will be watching. You can bet your ass that they'll be gritting their teeth with every snap of that football. You understand me? How you play today, from this moment on is how you will be remembered. This is your opportunity to rise from these ashes and grab the glory of the 2006 Florida Gators. We are...

Young Longhorns: TEXAS!

Matthew McConaughey: We are.

Young Longhorns: TEXAS!

Matthew McConaughey: We are!

Young Longhorns: TEXAS!

Matthew McConaughey: Hook ‘em HORNS!

I said I want ketchup on my hot dog! Not musta...hey, is that Road Warrior Animal on the jumbotron? Doesn't his kid play for Ohio State?

We're going to lose this game, Colt McCoy. There are no more points of law to argue here. I want to cop a plea, maybe Quan Cosby will cop us a touchdown and we can get you just life as an NFL backup.

Matthew: [As Shooter from Happy Gilmore] Well, moron, good for Happy-- Oh, my GODDDDDD!!!!

MM: "Crabcakes and Football! That's what Maryland does! I can do that! I'm tellin you man! I deserved that part!"

"Show me your V, goddammit! Show me your V!"

I know who you are...your Nate Griffin. You were co-captain last year had 11 interceptions. See, I told you. Redbook.

Stop calling me Grizzly!!!

I dare PETA to throw something on this jacket. I DARE THEM!

Matthew McConaughey is stunned and, then, angry to find out that he has not been chosen to represent Texas in the National Leather Jacket Wearing Championship.

Matthew McConaughey to the Texas coaches on the bench: "Let me on the field. I am certain that I can beat Ohio State simply with my mind, DAMN IT!"

Just prior to giving the Texas offense a big pep talk, Matthew McConaughey sucks down a giant bug and throws up on the Texas sideline.

I really AM MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!

Matthew McConaughey to fans heckling him in the stands: "Take it back that Vince Young, Chris Simms, and Major Applewhite weren't great college quarterbacks. For the love of God, TAKE...IT...BACK!"

If you don't watch out, I'll keep my shirt on, man.

Colt, you go out there and you win this game so I don't have to shave this totally awesome beard!

MM: "Say it with me, boys. 'We. Are. Marshall!'"

Texas player: "Uh, no we're not."

MM: "We're not? Then what are we? Steers?"

Texas player: "Nope, not that one either, but you are very close, if you know what I mean!" {wink}

Bradshaw, you get your pants back on. I don't want to see your bare ass again, no matter what the script says.

No no no, come on man, it's not okay. It is not okay Tug; and you don't need to explain to me why you need Tivo!

"You got any Tostitos?!?! It'd be a lot cooler if you did!!!"

"Hey, hey, hey, watch the leather man. Heh heh heh"

"And Coach Brown was like, 'If you even try to pick up that football when it is rolling near the sideline, I will chop Lance Armstrong's other ball off."

3 words...Where's my weed?!

The hell am I not on this FOX broadcast more? Stop showing the damn band!

Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some fuckin' muscle.

I GARFUNKELED your MOTHER!!

Matthew: You got any weed on you?

Colt McCoy: Nah?

Matthew: Man, it'd be a lot cooler if you did.

The flute guy from Jethro Tull really let himself go.

I lost 27 pounds on Nutrisystem for Men, and so can you!

Am I glad Ohio State lost? Is that what you're asking me? Well to quote a friend of mine... Yes I'm glad they're done and I hope they burn in hell!

You're with me Leather!

Colt, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!

You know what this is? This is my new f'in haircut! You know what that means? That means I'm whippin' some Buckeyes tonight! My boys, they got the same haircut, they're whippin' some Buckeyes too!

Matthew McConaughey reminds you that we are not allowed to use movie quotes cribbed rom IMdB.com any more as per AA's orders...

Will someone please tell Colt AGAIN, that Steve Zahn has already signed on for "Sahara 2"!!! There isn't another sidekick spot in the script!!!

"Right now I would scream a famous movie quote of mine but the fact is I have never had a memorable line nor have I made a memorable movie. Except 'Failure to Lauch', which was f*ckin sick!"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ME!!! I'm telling you I AM MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!!! (takes off leather jacket and shirt) What about now?
-DH