I'm so proud to be a member of this organization, and I owe it all to my 15 minutes with Tim Tebow....I became......a better man because of it.

Yeah, my wife told me to sign with the Yankees too, but I just told that bitch to shut the hell up....

Man I was so tired Glavine and Maddax. They are the biggest douches. Oh wait, Curt Schilling is still with the team? Crap....

Noone else at the press conference found it amusing, but Theo Epstein couldn't contain the giggles while staring at the Jolly Rancher stuck inside John Smoltz's ear.

I'm twice as old as CC Sabbathia and weigh half as much - it's a no brainer.

You've made me the happiest guy in Massachusetts. Except for those two
dudes I saw gettin' hitched. Not my thing, but I wish 'em well.

I would like to thank the Braves for fulfilling one of my contract requirements and moving back to Boston.

"I went bankrupt as 'Tiger Woods' Personal ATM,' so I needed a $5.5 million dollar bailout loan from the Red Sox."

It's such a privilege to be taking Curt Schilling's spot on the Red Sox DL. We've mutually decided that it would be in the best interests of the team if my contribution were to be keeping my mouth shut and playing golf instead of blogging and talking to the press.

So this is the face that you make when you sell your soul to the devil.

"I just bought myself a snuggie today."

Smoltz: "So how long will it be until the Yankees make me look like the washed up has been I truly am? A third of an inning? Nah, back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs will most likely do the trick!"

Wow, just when we thought John Smoltz couldn't be a bigger douche... I guess that hat proves us wrong.

Ha...Ha... I am Old... [sigh]

You're joking, right? A black guy...President? No waaaay!

Epstein: "I used to have posters of you in my room. You're so dreamy."

Smoltz: "This is the greatest day of my life....well except for that day Wohlers walked in on me fucking his wife during Training Camp in 1998."

Theo Epstein: (thinking) "Look at that glorious goatee...I wish I could grow one..."

Wait, the "B" on the hat doesn't stand for Braves?!?

Epstien just realizes that no one will suspect a thing when it's Glavine who delivers the first high and tight fastball to Teixeira's temple.

Reporter: So Theo, your dad can PITCH?

...and after I retire I will open a bar here in Boston called "Cheers".

We had a Green Monster in Atlanta, too, but that was just Leo Mazzone after he'd had too many cannolis.

"So let me get this straight, instead of having to hit, you'll 'designate' someone to do it for me? Wow, what'll they think of next?"

The only reason I moved to Boston was to evade Chris Hansen and that damn Child Molester show

Theo: Holy crap...that will be me in 20 years.