Oh - you play football - no need to scan you...right...Cavity Search on 17 here!

Plaxico: It's OK sir. I'm just here for the Mark Cuban, proceeding.

Is that blood on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

I'm with the *cough*Jason*cough* Garrett company. Please hand over all playbooks and metal.

I was not aware that they made dress pants with elastic waistbands... I guess you learn something new every day.

Plaxico to security guy: So then my buddy says to me "Hey dude, lower your gun. That's Michael Irvin!"

Security guard: You're not missing practice for this, are you?...Psyche!

Plaxico: Yo, I know I broke the law in New York and all, but isn't it a bit cruel and unusual that I'm being tried in Beirut, Lebanon?
Security Guard: No, Plax, this is for another case. And we're in Lebanon, PA, not the country.
Plaxico: I just figured that because I pulled a gun on Michael Irvin, that they wanted something really cruel for me...

I can't wait to be in The Longest Yard 3 playing against the guards....

"Hey Plax... don't shoot! Ha, just kidding, I know you only shoot yourself. Have fun, you crazy bastard."

Security Guard: Now, young man, let me tell you about my old pigskin days. By golly, in those days, we used to shoot ourselves accidently all the time! Why, back in 19-ought-6,our quarterback- Catclaws Johnson- shot himself in the neck with a Colt 45 one day. Straight in the Juglar, and consarnit! he was on the field the next day! And he threw 6 touchdown passes! Ran for half an acre! And kicked the extra points! Heavens to betsy! Why I remember...zzzzzzzzzzzz

Mr. Burress, I would frisk you but since you're not wearing sweatpants, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

maybe i can play on mike vick's team... hmmm..

"So Plaxico let me tell you story about my days fighting in WWII. There was this french hooker....

(metal detector goes off)

Security guard: Sir, can you please open your jacket?

Plaxico: Sure.

(Finds gun, miraculously not fired)

Plaxico: I'm just holding that for my homeboy, Marvin.

A security officer wands the newest edition of the Plaxico Burress wax figures, the Courtroom Attire edition.

GIMME BACK MY GUN!!!

Plaxico: Keep that wand away from me, that motha ****er possessed.

I'm just trying to help kids man, I'm trying to help the kids

Oh, I see you've purchased a holster for your gun, very nice, very nice.

Security Guy: "Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me?"

Plax thought bubble: "And Ricardo Montalban got tired of people saying 'boss, zee plane, zee plane!,' well, he aint got nothing on me."

That's as close as anyone from Philly has come to getting a hand on me.

What? no sweat pants?

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just... oh, it is a gun?

SECURITY: "You know, I have seen the best - Red Skeleton, George Carlin, Archie Bunker, that Cosby fellow - but I can truly say, Mr. Burress, that there has never been a more comedic moment in my life than right now."

You know the economy is tough when the Emperor from Star Wars has to work court house security.

Why does this thing keep beeping around your thigh?

Fellow bad shot Dick Cheney gets the privilege of frisking Plaxico Burress before his court session.

Not pictured: Drew Rosenthal standing to the side of the camera saying "Next question, old man."

Psst, hey...got any naked pictures of Eli's wife?

Let me see some ID...wait, you mean your last name really isn't Berries?

In light of the Eddy Curry allegations, we are now scanning all NYC athletes with our new "Gay-Dar" wand.

Don't feel bad son...until I started taking Flomax, I used to shoot myself in the leg 5 or 10 times a day.

"Mr. Burress, I've seen a lot of crazy things in my time on this Earth. The invention of the wheel, the Great Depression, two World Wars, and heck, one time I even seen a Sasquatch. But you sir, you've done something special. Not only have you actually shown up for your court date, but you've done so with an all white entourage. My hat is off to you. Now spread 'em before I start gettin' ornery!"

Is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

"You're dressed pretty nice for just coming from an Applebee's."

Old Security dude: "What caused you to shoot yourself in the club?"
Plax: "Blame it on the Vodka
Blame it on the Henney
Blame it on the blue top; had me feeling dizzy
Blame it on the A-A-A-A-Alcohol
Blame it on the A-A-A-A-Alcohol"

Why are you scanning me? I shot MYSELF, I would never shoot other people.

Plaxico Burress thinks he's going through security to attend a court date at the Lebanon County Courthouse. What he doesn't know is that Howie Mandel, dressed as a security guard, is about to convince Burress he's been selected to test a new medical device called the "Garrett Shocker" on his new show, "Howie Do It?"

"Just let me wand you real fast..." BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! "Whoa, right here... do you have something metalic in your leg??"