Govno...I had bigger seats at that Mexican Midget Wrestling match...

Internal Dialogue: "If I stay calm, cool and collected, I can pass this gas off as the suits work...that's it, Maria. You're a champion!"

Sharapova: "The team in the yellow and purple are the Hornets, correct?"

I passed up Ball State vs. Tulsa for this???

Least that damn dog aint here to steal my thunder.... DAMN YOU POOCH!!!!

One of these things is not like the other...

The fans in attendance at the Staples Center were disappointed that Maria Sharapova was in attendance but without her dog.

Sitting downwind from Maria Sharapova is just asking for trouble.

I never knew Peja Stojokavic was so sexy. Kobe Bryant really is a bigger douchebag in person.

The blonde dude is wearing stupid shoes.

I can't believe that Jack Nicolson is wearing the same pumps. This is sooooo awkward...

Here I sit, surrounded by men who haven't the slightest idea how to please me.

No sir, the only V I'm going to show you is in my last name.

Maria thought bubble: Damn. I am hot, just so hot. I see you looking at me Kobe, you cant have this....you know you want it. you can have it.

My Hand smells awful!

Man, I left Russia to get away from this kind of situation.

"Why am I sitting next to Martin Scorsese?"

Striped Tie Guy: "What does this Cialis label say about 'unintentional erections?'
....I'm screwed."

"At least I am not Michael Phelps."

"I could have watched the Fiesta bowl with Matty."

If I only had a laptop I could entertain myself during timeouts by reading Awful Announcing.

Guy to her left: "If I could only get this condom open ..."

I thought Maria Sharapova was in this photo. I mean, I see the chick that apparently ATE her, but...

"And that, random guy on my right, is the man on the boat".

"Why does Serena's jersey have Odom on the back of it?"

My agent told me I was going to see CP3 tonight, but there are no gold robots anywhere.

this they call sport? *said in a Russian accent*

If one more of these old guys asks me if I want to make their shot a power shot...

"I have succeded in blending in and looking frumpy and unattractive. Who knew that was possible?"

Somehow the rumours of Sharapova and Chris Parnell hooking up never caught on....

I wondah if I couldt get that large blayck main to be may boyfriend, I like the rap muuusic too and my shoulders are strong like the great Russian baskyetball playa Paul Mokeski.

wait, more people watch this crap then another hot chick and myself playing tennis?

"I still can't believe those idiots lost my luggage. Well, thankfully, like any smart traveler, I had my go-to suit 'n my c*#&sucker shoes in the carry-on."

"Oh, God... Ray Ramano better not puke on these shoes..."

"With these pumps, I bet I could get a double-double playing Center."

You mean I passed up AA's GMAC Bowl Open Thread for this???

Pictured from left to right: Keith Oberman, Maria Sharapova, Mark Furman, and Al Michaels.

Minutes before this photo was taken, Maria Sharapova became the latest victim in Rey Maualuga's now famous "freak nasty" attack. The crowd around her reacts in awkward horror....

Last time I go on blind date.

Maria Sharapova sits and watches a game as she prepares for her new role in "Pat Summit: Court Detective"! This fall on CBS.

Sharapovia is reminising about the days when she used to be mobed by the poperazi instead of being overshadowed by her dog.

"Wow, my nipples are harder than Pau Gasol."

"My god, what was in that gumbo stuff that Chris Paul brought me?"

"Need it, Need it, Need it, Got it, Need it, Need it, Got it. . . "

I know we don't get votes on this, but RJBO's post was very funny.

Inner thoughts of Maria Sharapova: "I hope to God that the Lakers cover the spread tonight. If I lose again, Tommy the Nose is going to have my a** this time."

Maria Sharapova to the Prince Charles impersonator sitting next to her: "That guy wearing #24 for the Lakers really was named after a Japanese steak?"

Shortly after this photo was taken, Maria Sharapova announced her intention of signing with the Boston Celtics for the 2nd half of the season, like every other star NBA player.

Which one is the Shaq?

For the last time - I am NOT Kournikova. She is the hot, blonde Russian tennis player that never won anything.

"I can't believe the only courtside seats I could get were from Hair Club For Men."

"Why did they seat me in the All Gay Guy section? I only came here to get hit on. Hopefully Kobe gets another case of the Reverse Jungle Fever."

In soviet Russia basketball watches you

And we see the wallflowers watching the action on the dance floor at Los Angeles' trendiest gay ballroom dance club.





(Note to H-Wood Wags: Thanks for the Mokeski reference. Hadn't ever thought his ugly mug and Maria Sharapova would be in the same thought.

Maria waits for the perfect tv timeout to practice her Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" impression.

Maria waits for the perfect tv timeout to practice her Sharon Stone "Basic Instinct" impression.

Geez it's loud in here. How are these guys supposed to attempt a single shot with all this noise?

Her: I don't care if he does ask me, I'm not going on Dancing With the Stars.

Him: I wonder if she'd guest on AFV?

Maria looks on as Prince Charles tries to convert the price of his large drink and fries into Euros.

Sasha: Maria!! Look at Machine!! Machine make all the shots! Machine like money tonight! Machine going to rock your world!

Maria's thought bubble: Machine's long greasy hair IS strangely attractive.