No matter how hard you try, that hand's not going to hide what's happening in those pants.

"Why yes, Marissa, this bat handle is an accurate representation of its size..."

Wow - something just popped - and for once, it wasn't my shoulder...

After hearing that Brooklyn Decker got engaged to Andy Roddick, Marissa Miller one-upped her by finding THREE perennial losers to hang out with!

"Um, Kerry, I appreciate the offer, but given your injury history, I'm afraid I might snap it right off."

"I better hold my junk down before it slips its collar and runs around the dugout"

"Great Jessica the Jinx is here, now we'll have to wait ANOTHER 100 years to win a WS.

Oh look, it's Kerry Wood and three people who could take him deep.

-CBH

She's hot and all, but Kerry, it's still no reason to give yourself the shocker.

Kerry tries to show that the slimming effect of vertical pinstripes has its limits.

Hey babe, this is why they call me Kerry Wood.

Hey babe, this is why they call me Kerry Wood.

Kerry's Wood.

In a related story, Cubs fans were not surprised to find out the following day, that Kerry Wood couldn't close the deal.

Deeeeeeeez nuts...wait, what? that's not cool anymore?

Hi, I'm here for the gang bang

AP- Chicago, Kerry Wood (pictured with SI Cover Model Marissa Miller) has again ended up on the IR with a swollen bone in his left hand. He's expected back in the dugout in 2 weeks.

As the threw the supermodel onto the field, Marty Brennemenaen was heard to be cursing out Cubs fans and players.

Now THAT'S what I call a triple play!!!

Marissa Miller sherrrr gottta somme nice boo.... blargh ... blargh .... is Kerry Wood injured again?

"Just rubbin' one out before the game."

No, No, Yes, No.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm was there. And by there, I mean it was the condom to protect Miller from getting infected with these losers' collective seeds.

Sam Zell, with help from State Farm present: 'Two Guys, a Girl and a Boner'. He's gotta make $$$ off these assholes anyway he can.

Looks like they were trying to recreate this great "Punky Brewster" moment from 1984:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peoOu83Z0DM
(from 5:41 mark on)

I think she is wearing a Fukudome Jersey

Marisa: You can hold your junk, but I'm ripping off your pitching arm.
Kerry: Deal

"Where'd my dick go?"

Three Men and ........BABY!!!!!!!!!!

Miller make Kerry "pinch the squid."

Marissa: "For the last time, Kerry, I do NOT want to see your 'split finger' or your 'backdoor breaking ball.' Nor do I want to 'blow your save,' whatever that means."

You would cross your legs too.

The Cubs pro shop was sold out of pink jerseys that day

Not Pictured: Carlos Zambrano cursing and kicking things because he was not invited to the gang bang.

/only three holes fella

She'll hang out with these guys just to get the chance to fuk the fukodome

White shoes before Memorial Day? Yeah, Marissa, Ted Lilly follows no rules. Forget the other two; spend the night with a real rebel.

Wood: "Easy, big fella!"

A great example on how not to hide your boner

Wood: "The clerk at Victoria's Secret told me that these pantyhose wouldn't ride up when I sat down."

Marissa: When they said I was going to Chicago to visit some cubs I thought they were sending me to the zoo. I haven't been this disappointed since last year when I thought I was going to see some bears and instead had to hang out with some gross man.

Kerry Wood's bodypaint shows he needs to do a few more crunches.

"If you rub it, it will come."

Wood attempts to hide wood while in presence of greatness, and appears to have actually given his right arm to be with her.

This pending erection is certain to land me on the DL with a Hammy Strain.