Matt Damon and Lance Armstrong go out to celebrate after they see, to their surprise, that their names are not on the Mitchell report.

Lance Armstrong (left), and Jason Bourne (Right) hang out at Sky Bar with the Olsen twins (Center).

Man, you've got a huge ball going dating that Olsen twin.

Lance swears if Matt won't be his wing man he's taking his ball and going home.

somewhere...Matthew McConaghey is lonely

Whereas vampires are warded off with garlic, the Olsen twins made a rapid exit once they saw the lemon wedges with the drinks as any contact with food would be deadly...their narrow escape allows them to continue to live strong.

One of these men has one testicle, the other is Lance Armstrong.

It's not ALL bad, Matt. More chicks are willing to teabag when there's only one.

"If you look closely behind the reeds, you will see the Olsen twins sharing a Triscuit"

"You're quitting poker Mike? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from no limit hold'em?"

"Losing 3 stacks of high society to a Russian mobster"

"Oh fuck that, good call on quitting"

Lance Armstrong and Matt Damon celebrate their names not appearing on the Mitchell Report.

Both these guys have a combined number of 1 testicle.

See, I got these new drinks that I thought up, but, uh, I can't seem ot cup and lime in the can.

Damn, this thinking stuff is hard. Look at my guns Lance, do you like tham?

You can say that again, Jay. Oh yeah, you did.

Lance and Matt prepare to make their porn debut in "Two guys, Five Cups and Three Nuts."

Check out my new friend. Yeah, he looks like Ben Affleck, except he's not a huge fricking douche.

Why does Armstrong's head look like it might just roll right off his neck?

"I refer to my missing right nut as The Departed."--Lance

I can't top Gmoney's entry, but here's a try for placement


From Left to Right: Took Performance Enhancing Drugs, Is Ben Affleck's Performance Enhancing Drug

Matt: "America, you like apples? DO..YOU...LIKE...APPLES? I got Lance Armstrong's numbah, how do you like THEM apples?"

It's nice to know that famous, wealthy people look like goobs after 1 a.m., too!

You know, Lance, this is never gonna work. I mean, we don't have a hip 21st century combo name like Bennifer - Mance? Latt? Damrong?! I give up!

"Yeah, the whole 'cancer' thing was my publicist's idea. That freak Sheryl Crow went off her meds one day and bit 'Lefty' right off while I was sleeping."

"Look, Matt, it's great they let you keep the glasses from 'The Good Sheperd,' but we're never going to pull any wool as long as you've got those things on."

Lance: "My trainer told me to 'suck it up.' I guess I sucked too hard.

Man, I love Almond Joys. "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."

2 Liberal Bastards, 1 single ball.

Matt Damon talks with Lance Armstrong, his co-star of the new movie project, "Dude, Where's My Ball"

Bourne was angry later when he found he wasn't having a few drinks with one-ball Lance Armstrong, but Tony Kornheiser with a PTI Lance Armstrong mask taped to his face.

Lance: Did you see where Mary-Kate went?

Matt: MATT DA-MON