Damn them for making me wear pants! Have some respect for your elders.

Originally, Shaq had agreed to be sent to Steve Kerr as a Christmas present. However, he was put off by the poor choice of "Florida Marlin Green" as the color of the wrapping paper.

Where's the green screen?
-Shaq ate the green screen. This is all we've got left.

After his head shot, Canadian police asked what Shaq could do with his talents of riding a horse and fighting crime.

Get used to the pants Suns fans, I'll be wearing them alot on the sidelines.

"Excuse me, Mr. O'Neill, could you please get off your soap box? We're having trouble getting the screen high enough to fit your giant head."

"That's right, a little higher boys... So who gets to go behind the blue screen and experience the Phoenix Diesel first????"

This is for my retirement ceremony, right?

Hey, I thought the camera ADDS 10 pounds.

In other news Shawn Marion surprisingly comes to miami with a 325 pound body.

Shaq's first experience on the set of MILF hunters.

Shaq still needs a fake ID?

"It takes two hands to handle a Whopper..."

3 words: Straight. Cash. Homey

Brady Quinn is really trying hard to become the new member of the village people.

This still photograph accurately displays the range of motion left in Shaq's knees.

Now that they've taken this picture of me playing defense, I can wait until the playoffs to have some more pictures taken.

"shaq, look at the squeaky...look at the squeaky...shaquille!!"

"F*CK YO' COUCH, Darkness!!!"--guy on the right

LOVER BOY! YOU ARE A LOVER BOY!

"Then we can use Photoshop to add the words 'Buyer's Remorse' later!"

The only time Shaq will ever use a yoga mat.

Not pictured: the suit jacket he'll be wearing throughout his tenure as a Sun.

"Now, Mr. O'Neal, with this blue screen, we can digitally add video to make it appear that you are actually playing instead of just sitting on the bench."

Guy #1: Holy screaming eagle shit. Shaq is tall.

Guy #2: Holy screaming eagle shit. Your hoodie/hat combo makes it look like you dress in the dark.

Shaq: My toe hurts.

"Hands in my pockets, Hands in my pockets, Hands in my pockets."

(ahhh gotta love that commercial)

@gmoney:

"I'm Rick James, bitch!"

Cedric Ceballos starts his comeback tour for the Suns during his first photoshoot.

guy in hat: hoky sh*t, thats not a cardboard cut out!

other guy: Yeah, but he plays D like one

With green screen technology, we can create a world where Shaq and Grant Hill are smart pickups in 2008.

Part of the trade was to allow Shaq to play in pants

after this photo, Shaq tripped over Grant Hill, falling onto Amare's knee. Steve Nash can now be found crying in the corner.

Does this shirt make me look gay?

Minutes later, Shaq modeled his road uniform -- purple tank with brown slacks and loafers.