Joe - You Complete Me

Sunday, August 12, 2007

(posted by OMDQ)

Every Sunday evening during baseball season, I turn to ESPN and fear that Joe Morgan will not say anything that makes me laugh out loud at its utter ridiculousness. (This fear generally goes away by the bottom of the first inning.)

The thing about baseball games is that I don't really pay close attention when I watch. I write, I read blogs, I feed the baby, I look at porn - there just aren't enough hours in my day to sit in front of the television and only watch a game. But this is why I love Joe Morgan, Jon Miller and ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: because even if I'm barely listening, there is still an 85% chance of catching something worth writing about.

Case in point: tonight's in-game interview with John Smoltz provided two absolute gems, and I didn't even watch the whole thing (note: I actually like the idea of doing these interviews with players instead of managers. The managers just want to get the hell out of there; though the Smoltz interview went a little long, you could tell that he was actually semi-interested in talking).

Smoltz and Joe started out talking about Tiger Woods and the conversation turned to Smoltz's handicap. He said he didn't want to divulge the number, prompting Joe to play hardball:

"Go ahead, tell the truth, I can look it up if I want."

If you read anything about Joe Morgan, whether it's on this site or Fire Joe Morgan, you know that the man does not look stuff up. It's against his very nature to admit that all the knowledge he will ever need is not inside his brain already. On the spectrum of empty threats, Joe Morgan saying, "I can look it up if I want" is Paris Hilton's head.

The golf talk continued, with Smoltz mentioning a tournament that he and a couple of teammates are playing in tomorrow. Small talk, small talk, small talk, then Joe decides to ask a question
"Jon, they invited me to play, did they invite you to play?"
immediately followed by five seconds of dead air as the two men he was talking to, both of whom are named John, tried to figure out which one should answer the question.

I knew you wouldn't fail me, Joe (and I haven't even mentioned the line that came from AA via Run Up The Score: "Starting pitching is most a rotation."). You are my sunshine.

UPDATE from AA: Just wanted to add my personal favorite Joe moment of the night....

ESPN named ryan howard as the player of the game and Morgan said he'd give it to Jimmy Rollins because...
"I like to go with the infielder."
Read it again if you don't get it at first. This could probably be the worst thing he's ever said.

Posted by One More Dying Quail at 9:27 PM



Joe said he stood up in his hottub and clapped for Barry Bonds during 756.

What did his ladyfriend do?

Anonymous said...
Aug 12, 2007, 10:06:00 PM  

I was bothering poor AA with Joe Morgan quotes via instant messenger. At the very end of the game, ESPN named Ryan Howard the player of the game. Morgan, in his infinite fucking wisdom, said he would've gone with Jimmy Rollins because, "you know me, I like to go with the infielder."

Apparently, first basemen play in the outfield now. Or in outer space. Who the hell knows.

I haven't had to listen to Morgan/Miller this season -- if the Phillies aren't playing, I generally don't watch -- but my goodness, are they ever a pair of awkward, no researching dolts. They were also apparently trying to claim that Pat Burrell is fast. The guy that the Ladies... have nicknamed "The Slowcamotive"! Fast!

For extra fun, the always sharp commentors at Phillies blog Beerleaguer were documenting Miller and Morgan's utter stupidity.

Aug 12, 2007, 11:02:00 PM  

This is why I'm glad I was driving during most of the telecast.

Signal to Noise said...
Aug 13, 2007, 12:03:00 AM  

I wonder how Joe is doing at the big celebrity golf match today.

He's probably winning, as usual.

Then it's straight to the hottub! Will it make him sweat? Too hot in the hottub?

Anonymous said...
Aug 13, 2007, 1:36:00 PM  

The real reason Joe wanted Jimmy Rollins to get player of the night is due to his secret loyalty to Quiznos, and that doesn't quite mesh with Howard's Subway commercials.

Jarrett Carter said...
Aug 13, 2007, 4:13:00 PM  

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