Remember men, just because your teammates ask for the ball doesn't mean you have to give it to them.

"Now kids, what's THIS side of the chair for?"

"See? This is why Jerry Buss is just a crazy white dude and I should get whatever I want!"

When I'm having sex with a crazy woman I like to put my hands on her thusly!

Act calm and kindly ask her to drop the rape charges. If she declines, punch that hooker in the fucking mouth. Then go buy your wife a big ring because it's probably going to be on the news.

So kids, that's why you wear a mask AND give her chloroform before you rape a chick in Colorado.

...and sitting at the end of the bench like this is the best place to be found in Game 7 of the playoffs but only after you refuse to shoot the ball to prove a point that all your teammates are garbage...f%*!ing Andrew Bynum

I'm taking half the tape proceeds, y'all can split what's left.

The last thing I want written on my tombstone is "He Was A Great Teammate". That would just suck.

Let's talk a little about Hotel Guest Etiquette.

Remember kids, when you do something stupid, always buy your wife a ring.

Ok, kids, so remember, when you're in front of a camera, any camera, always be licking your lips. Its a sign of professionality.

Before I say anything let me make this clear. It's Mamba, Black fucking Mamba.

"...and so I took a trip to Colorado, and yada yada yada, my street cred's through the roof."

"Ok guys...There's the camera man...Take him outside and see how you do...Remember heavy doses of expletives...The winner gets a Kobe Bulls jersey..."

All comps? Damn, did ANY of you motherfuckers buy my shoes?

Kids, the key to basketball is to do whatever you want, say whatever you want, and ask for whatever you want. And when you've received everything you've asked for, hammer a maitre'd, run your right hand man out of town, alienate yourself from the organization, and demand a trade.

Tom Emanski ain't got nothing on Kobe's Fundamentals of the Game.

"This is the size of the rock you have to buy your wife after having sex with another women.. and that's why you should take extra precautions not to get caught kids.

Avoid the Clap... Kobe Bryant"

"Ok guys. What I am about to tell you is the most important thing you should ever remember in your whole entire life. .... white bitches are snitches."

- covertjerk.com

"Fuck Andrew Bynum"

One day, if you're lucky, one of you will be a Laker. And then I hope we ship you out for Jason Kidd.

Never forget,"Kids go ape for the great taste of rape!"

Don't forget kids, black dicks in white chicks asses causes the anus to bleed.

'No' does mean she wants it, just not when your in Colorado.

"Then I said, 'Is Kobe Bryant going to have to choke a bitch?'"

'Don't make me do you Kobe style'