What's bad for sports is bad for sports writers, and sports bloggers. That means the dearth of good sporting moments is causing a dearth of good things to write about. So rather than cook up some cockamamie scheme for this weekend's Press Buffet, I chose to put my faith in the internet.

I said to myself "Self, there's got to be a random newspaper generator on these here intarwebs". So I type "random newspaper" in google, and turn up this little gem:

Paperboy random newspaper redirect.

I'm going to hit this thing up four times and see what some random towns across this great nation of ours are reading about, after the jump.

First, the Delta Discovery out of Bethel, Alaska popped up. The newspaper seems to serve a rather large Native American populace, so we get this great story, titled "Sundown Garners Coach of the Year Honors in Return to Bench" (apparently they don't update the Discovery too often).

After several applicants for the Scammon Bay boys’ head coaching position turned down the position, the district turned to Sundown.

“I wasn’t even the top choice,” he laughed. “Something happened with the other two or three people who had applied. Then they called me and told me I was coaching the team. It’s been really nice how it all happened.”

Oh, that Harley Sundown. They don't come any more humble than him.

Then across the country to Morganton, North Carolina, where the local rag is named the News Herald. Did you know there's an LPGA event called the Jamie Farr Owens Corning Classic? I find that hilarious, since Jamie Farr dressed like a woman for 13 Seasons on M*A*S*H - I guess it went to his head. Rusty Miller has the scoop:

Jin Young Pak, no relation to Se Ri, began the day alone in second place, five shots back. She, too, said she was inspired to play golf by watching her fellow South Korean's success on the LPGA Tour. But Jin Young Pak double-bogeyed the first hole and struggled to a 74.

That is so... not very interesting.

And, for you Napoleon Dynamite fans, here's the Emmett Messenger Index from Gem County, Idaho:

Hoadley wins title at Firebird Raceway

Emmett High School’s Robert Hoadley scored the High School Bracket #3 title at the United Dairymen High School & Alumni points stop on Saturday at Firebird Raceway. In the final, Hoadley ran a 16.80 elapsed time at a speed of 81.83 mph to defeat the ‘69 Custom 10 pickup of Nick D’Ambrosia from Mountain View High. It was Hoadley’s second win of the season. Above, Hoadley and his teammates are pictured in the Winner’s Circle.

I dare you to find me another high school dairyman faster than Robert Hoadley. It can't be done, I tell you. He's got gasoline in his blood.

And you have no idea how happy I was to see this come up on my last random roll of the dice - the Meade County Times Tribune from Sturgis, South Dakota. That's right - biker heaven.

As such, it should come as no surprise to anyone that a motorcycle race in Sturgis was won by a gentleman named... wait for it.... Keystone Kopp.

Keystone Kopps pair of cycle crowns
By Jason Gross,
Sports Editor

Sturgis’ Keystone Kopp wore a path to the winner’s circle at the short-track motorcycle races at the Jackpine Gypsies club grounds June 23.

Um, really, what else needs to be said?

See you next week. Let's pray that Jeff Kent drives his motorcycle over Barry Bonds while he's still one short of Hank's record, so I'll have something else to write about next week.

--Extra P.