"Try and fine this, David Stern!"

I don't know what is more rediculous, the way I am wearing this headband or that the Cavs can only beat the injury crippled Wizards by 7 points.

If I can't sag my pants...

"Besides, it's not like Roger Goodell is running this league."

"At least this is better than Josh Howard dropping his shorts last year."

Goddamit, did I put on Nowitzki's headband again? That guy's head is like ginormous, like Godzilla's!

If I cover one eye, everyone looks all blurry...

"I should not have messed with the Lebrons"

ok who let the guy with the flashlight in.

I battle any sex or any race/ you beatin' me is like Billy Crystal playing Scarface/ I can't see it/ I'm blind to the eyes/ I got you in your face/ Oops Pow Surprise! OOOOOOOHHH!!!

"My eye has moved up into my forehead, my right hand has turned into the basketball, and everyone looks all blurry...I knew I shouldn't have spent my day off with the Gonzaga basketball team."

So Jason Terry walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, Jason Terry, you know you've got a steering wheel down the front of your pants, right?"

And Jason Terry says, "ARRRRR, yes, and it's drivin' me nuts."

"Ugh. I can still see Popeye Jones..."

"I lost my eye in ViETnam."

Hey Kobe, even with one eye blindfolded I can STILL pass better than you.

Like it? It's part of my new training regimen -- real ballers don't need peripheral vision. I can sense the court.

"Dammit, how did I end up in The Matrix again."

But Coach Johnson, Don Nelson told me to do it. Yes I know he's with the other team, but he was my former coach! He said it would help me cut down on my turnovers, and I know how you feel about turnovers!

So this is how Dickie V. sees thingsa oon the court. . .

"I'm not making nearly a fool of myself as Ian Eagle!"

"I thought that groupie said she wanted to see a one-eyed gunslinger, turns out she said she wanted to see my one-eyed yogurt slinger. Damn, fellas, my bad, my bad." (taps chest three times as he backpeddles down court.)

1. "It's Awesome Baby!"

2. "I'm looking at the sock from like 2 inches away, and I'm telling you, it's blood."

"SLOTH LOVES CHUNK!"