The New American Gladiators Should Last About 3 Episodes

Sunday, January 06, 2008


Oh man this is a new level of awful. Laila Ali is the most monotone dreadful actress I've ever seen and Hulk Hogan is too hopped up on HGH to even make sense. Two people have already been injured with one of them being a female contestant and the other a Gladiator.

The effects are cheesy and they play music after every individual event. A Gladiator named Wolf even howls at contestants and the crowd! How fun.



Oh and I'm pretty sure at least one of the Female Gladiators is a man. I could be wrong though. I know that the cheesiness was part of the allure of the original but this is just beyond ridiculous.

Thanks to Anon for letting me know that FSN and Pros v. Joes, Van Earl Wright is the Play by Play man. Here's the new Eliminator.....pretty exciting until Hulk Hogan breaks out his "The Sun, the moon, the stars, and Venus was definitely in alignment Baby" line.....

Posted by Awful Announcing- at 9:23 PM

86 Comments:

Van Earl Wright does play-by-play

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 9:56:00 PM  

still one hour of absurdity to go tonight! woo-hoo!

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 9:57:00 PM  

I have raised the bullshit flag.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:01:00 PM  

Ahhhh....great call Anon.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:01:00 PM  

Worst recreation of a classic ever. The announcing was terrible. The referee is way too dramatic and playing "Another One Bites the Dust" and "Hey-Hey-Hey, Goodbye" are terribly outdated.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:02:00 PM  

TOA seems like he got part of his character from Timmeh...

- b said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:04:00 PM  

where's ed hochuli when you need him?

- b said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:06:00 PM  

I really only wanted to see assault anyway.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:07:00 PM  

Hellga - Man or woman? Only Maury Povich knows.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:10:00 PM  

Nothing like a re-tread to spice things up. Stuck in traffic, indeed.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:11:00 PM  

"Oh and I'm pretty sure at least one of the Female Gladiators is a man."

Hell-ga?
You can never improve on an original.
Ask the genius behind 'New Coke.'

Rick James Bible Owner said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:11:00 PM  

Hellga has a penis. That's not a woman, it's a man-man, baby, yeah!

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:13:00 PM  

This is so bad that I'm actually into it now.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:13:00 PM  

Laila Ali - "You're a great role model to your children."
Muhammad Ali wished he could say the same. Her voice is kinda Chyna-esque.

Rick James Bible Owner said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:14:00 PM  

i dunno. I think fury is more manly looking than hellga. hellga just looks like she would break me.

- b said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:14:00 PM  

good-grief, enough with the dramatic intros. Would Helga be considered a slumpbuster or the first step in coming out of the closet?

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:15:00 PM  

A-Rod wants Hellga's number.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:18:00 PM  

I love how they don't explain the rules or scoring behind the events, because they know the only people who are watching this are us losers who watched this show the first time to the point that we still remember it all 15 years later.

And that girl totally tore her ACL on that first event. Did she keep going? I fast-forwarded looking for assault like AA and gave up after about 20 minutes.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:18:00 PM  

I'm with you B....I was thinking Fury when I wrote that.

Fury's Bio

Jan 6, 2008, 10:18:00 PM  

Nah Anon....she quit. Another girl finished for her.....they haven't even shown Assault yet.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:19:00 PM  

here it comes. my favorite personally is joust, but assault is always fun.

- b said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:25:00 PM  

I was hoping it would be good, but it is pretty lame. It almost seems like it should be on FOX. At least Assault is on now.

B-Sells said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:25:00 PM  

On Fury's bio, it describes her as a 'male-strom'....

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:25:00 PM  

Haha....I told you Anon, and Assault is weak now. There's no way those Tennis balls are going 100mph.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:31:00 PM  

"You can't fire an crossbow without an arrow Moli!"- VER

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:32:00 PM  

I love the levers and bars on the gladiator gun that clearly do nothing but make the gun look more intimidating.

My God Fury is scaring me...

- b said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:33:00 PM  

What a letdown assault was. I could throw the ball harder with my left arm. Nice sound effects.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:34:00 PM  

did anyone else see Fury's dick briefly fall out?

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:36:00 PM  

This red guy is a prick

B-Sells said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:36:00 PM  

Wow. Assault was awful. That chick kicked Fury's hermaphrodite ass.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:36:00 PM  

Definitely not as good as the "old days", but I'm all about the mindless entertainment. Just don't insult me with the blatantly rigged results.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:37:00 PM  

On the rings, that is, not at Assault.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:37:00 PM  

OMDQ--

I thought I was the only one that picked up on that in the first Eliminator. Total WWF stuff. Like a friggin' Rocky movie.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:38:00 PM  

I hate that the red male contestant is a cocky son...bitch. He keeps bragging that he's been around for so long?? What is he talking about... plus that makes no difference at all.

Fishercelll25 said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:39:00 PM  

Fat Willard: One of these guys was in gay porn. I read it online
Mrs Fat Willard: You could point to any of them and I would believe it. Like that guy right there.
Fat Willard: That's a girl.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:39:00 PM  

HHR--

I just snorted beer out my nose. Too funny.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:40:00 PM  

Militia is the gay one

Fishercelll25 said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:41:00 PM  

pm - that was the most blatant thing I've ever seen.

"Oh she'll win, the other girl can't even walk...oh, she fell down...oh, she fell down again...oh, the other girl is catching up...oh, she fell down again..."

That was some crap right there.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:42:00 PM  

Get used to this programming until the writers strike is over. All reality. All the time.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:44:00 PM  

Did the contestants actually try out? Or were they just the first 20 people in line for tickets?

They have no athletic ability at all....

Jan 6, 2008, 10:47:00 PM  

Just posted that WWF Eliminator....hit refresh.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:47:00 PM  

Muhammad Ali has really gotten his speech to a semi-understandable level.....oh wait....that's Leila...

Jan 6, 2008, 10:53:00 PM  

Oh, okay. The finish makes sense now. Hogan came up with that line during a pre-production meeting or something, so Venus had to win. When inspiration strikes, you don't just throw it away.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:55:00 PM  

barrell-roll looks fun as hell.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:57:00 PM  

That red woman busted her head on that metal bar with the fire on it.

B-Sells said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:58:00 PM  

The barrell roll looks fun but wouldn't you just fall off the thing and save time?

Also, that blood was fake as hell.

Jan 6, 2008, 10:59:00 PM  

"Thunder and lightning in a wide-open field" WTF??? Did Hulk practice with Dan Rather for this gig?

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 10:59:00 PM  

They stole the barrell roll from Ninja Warrior too.

B-Sells said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:02:00 PM  

Yeah, you want something that's actually good, go watch Ninja Warrior.

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:07:00 PM  

gina carano from UFC/Elite X is Crush

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:09:00 PM  

If one good thing comes from this, it will be a spin-off showing starring Wolf. By far the best part of the show. As pointed out by East Coast Bias, he looks like White Goodman plus he howled thirteen times by my count. Best part of the show by far.

Hanrahan said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:13:00 PM  

Way too many edits on the show. Cut after Cut... plus the Gladiators should actually practice beforehand . Militia had no idea what the heck was going on with the rings....and no original music!?!?

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:13:00 PM  

I liked the original show so much better, the new one is like watching Stephen A Smith on acid -not good tv

Mark B said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:13:00 PM  

Where's Mike Adamle and Larry Cznoka when you need them?

Mark B said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:14:00 PM  

Thank you ESPN Classic for American Gladiators...plus we can see Joe Theismann in the early days after retirement...

As for this, can they hire people who speak English to do the reporting?

Anonymous said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:21:00 PM  

Mike Adamle does sports for the NBC affiliate here in Chicago.

pm said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:26:00 PM  

If anyone didn't notice the referee is from Dodgeball the movie.

Brett said...
Jan 6, 2008, 11:48:00 PM  

A friend of mine from Syracuse who graduated last year is in charge of getting an audience for that show. That has to be the worst job in the history of entertainment. How do you pitch going to a show thats WWE mixed with most extreme elimination

Jameson said...
Jan 7, 2008, 1:28:00 AM  

how can a show called AMERICAN Gladiators give away a JAPANESE car as a prize?

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 7:51:00 AM  

laila ali is putrid

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 9:20:00 AM  

1. Laila Ali is gorgeous.

2. McLovin would be a better play by play man.

JC said...
Jan 7, 2008, 10:24:00 AM  

Laila wasn't that bad, it was Hulk who was annoying as fuck. I think he at one point said "brother" 6 times in two sentences. This wasn't awful, but American Gladiators was always something that was best watched hungover on the couch on a Saturday morning.

Falling off the barrel roll would definitely save you time.

Is it even possible to win the "Pyramid" event?

Matt said...
Jan 7, 2008, 10:49:00 AM  

The cheesiness was hilarious!!! The fact that they dug up the ref from "Dodgeball" only added to it's greatness.

That dumb broad that blew out her knee made me laugh.

GMoney said...
Jan 7, 2008, 10:56:00 AM  

I think it was rigged too. Not much of a stretch since they had a pro wrestler as an announcer. Fury is a man. Helga is just a really, really big girl.

Smitty said...
Jan 7, 2008, 11:01:00 AM  

Watching Wolf powerbomb the cocky Red guy during the second hour more than made up for the gladiators being pathetic. Also, Crush is hot.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 11:55:00 AM  

I hate to break the news to you all, but since there's a writer's strike and NBC is going "all reality/all Law and Order" on us... there will be American Gladiators until further notice.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 12:41:00 PM  

there's a preview video on youtube where they interview all the female gladiators, and yes Hellga is definately a man.. or former man.

i liked the cheesiness, it was like a B-movie. Idiocracy is slowly becoming reality. This is great.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 1:53:00 PM  

I liked Wolf better when he was Ben Stiller in "Dodgeball."

LAprGuy said...
Jan 7, 2008, 2:20:00 PM  

Brother, there were some moments brother when I wanted to punch the TV brother. (I actually did count, he hit seven in one interview with the red guy from '94).

I still think its so bad its good. The man-womans failed "signature" move and the "givin' him the business' call made my night.

Troyer said...
Jan 7, 2008, 2:22:00 PM  

I'm amazed Helga had room to tuck her sack back with those thunder thighs...

Neo said...
Jan 7, 2008, 3:01:00 PM  

I agree with the "so bad its good" assessment. Even though it was kinda bad at points and Hogan is obnoxious, I still really enjoyed watching it.

Zach Smith said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:00:00 PM  

Can't believe that the ref is the ref from the movie Dodgeball.

That made and broke the show for me.

Fury is a man, Militia is his boyfriend.

And Van Earl Wright has tanked a few shows, both radio and TV just by opening his mouth. Credit must be given that he had a couple of good scripted lines.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:00:00 PM  

Hey neo, it's spelled "Hellga" which makes it even better. I'd hit that.

GMoney said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:00:00 PM  

Are we sure Militia is the gay one? Are we sure it's not Titan? He's a little man-pretty.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:10:00 PM  

While the show is indeed awful...it will certainly stick around. The bottom line is, the writer's strike means no quick fix replacements this TV season, so the networks are essentially going to be stuck with the cards they have dealt themselves.

Hank Worrell said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:41:00 PM  

nbc came up with this show?
first, nbc should prove that these are actually ppl, not freaks on steroid.
2nd, nbc is holding well on the #4 spot of major network. the executive should get fired for approving this show on prime-time.
the show should be off monday night in a month or so.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 4:47:00 PM  

Hogan needs to seriously retire...stop flexing and saying brother, its not 1989 anymore...

Yukstin said...
Jan 7, 2008, 5:03:00 PM  

This show is awesome! Sure Hogan and Ali are weak as hosts, but the events are still top-notch! Plus Crush is fine.

BBC said...
Jan 7, 2008, 5:28:00 PM  

Aarrgggg I forgot it was on. Fond memories of late-night TV watching in college while drinking heavily...

Frog said...
Jan 7, 2008, 6:02:00 PM  

One and done for me with this show. Ninja Warrior is sooo much better and I don't understand a word they say.

Anonymous said...
Jan 7, 2008, 11:26:00 PM  

40 cameras shooting Powerball, and NONE of them were able to get a decent shot of that hit. Whoever's directing this stuff should hang his head in shame.

@Anonymous, Jan 6. 10:18pm: She tried to keep going, but gave up after she reached the balls. They didn't even stop the game to evaluate her! WTF, man?

Zapp Brannigan's Girdle said...
Jan 8, 2008, 12:57:00 AM  

Anyone else pissed that the powerball goals are big enough that you can actually shoot into them from afar? All the need is a basketball player to just keep shooting for the middle goal.

The Hang Tough course is also about half as long as the original. Plus, in the eliminator, is there a point to actually trying the hand-bike? They don't hold you for 5 seconds anymore if you fall and climbing up that post is definitely way easier than trying to get across on the bike.

And wtf happened to Atlasphere? That event was sweet!

Anonymous said...
Jan 8, 2008, 12:02:00 PM  

I think American Gladaitors is horrible. It's more reality tv then anything. You can tell it's staged. When they do the interviews before and after events it's like their reading from a card. It's horrible. They need to just get down to business with little talking. Also the first Eliminator was def. a fix for the women. That black women couldnt get up the treadmill. Come on, it's what 8 feet long with a rope halfway up. She laid there until the chinese women passed her. They did this to keep the audience excited with a close race. Very lame. Need to go back to what it use to be.

Anonymous said...
Jan 8, 2008, 12:46:00 PM  

Oh, and Hellga's real name is Robin Coleman. "Robin" can easily be the name of either a man or a woman, so there's some evidence for those who think she's a man (and I'm one of them).

Desmond said...
Jan 9, 2008, 12:24:00 PM  

How about using the show to support our troops. You have an amazing American Gladiator- STEALTH. SHE IS AN ALL AMERICAN HERO, a female military officer who graduated from the Air Force Academy and served her country. Why are you not showcasing her during a time when our country needs heros and a way to show support for our troops. Seriously, She's your powerhouse for marketing and for letting our troops know people respect serving our country and the sacrifices they are making. She is something positive from this show.

Anonymous said...
Feb 6, 2008, 1:26:00 AM  

It's not the way that Helga looks that is manish. Have you heard her talk??? I mean damn!! Her voice is deeper than then men on the show.......including Hulks!!!!

Anonymous said...
Jun 17, 2008, 4:47:00 PM  

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