Yes, you can trust me, Kobe.

I hope so. That would really suck if I have to buy Vanessa another diamond ring. OK, here's my hotel key. Meet me in an hour.

So, we all agree, we all hate Tyler Hansbrough.

People may think we're spoiled basketball players, but here at the Olypmics, we're just doing it for our country.

I don't care what you say, I still think shaving our heads and hanging out by the pool is the best chance we have of scoring chicks here in China.

And now we see why they need so many condoms at the Olympics...

Attractive females + NBA players...what could possibly go wrong??

Yeah, I am a huge fan of the Road Warriors, so I brought them along for bodyguard protection, I'm pretty important.

What, those two guys aren't the Road Warriors?

I'm from Colorado. Ever been?

Nah, bitch. I ain't fallin' for this one again.

As promised, Team USA recieved its conjugal visit while in Bejing. Unfortunately, this too looked as if it would have to be a team effort.

So, Kobe, wanna tell me how my ass taste?

Kobe: Are you kidding? I totally agree! Of COURSE I'd bang Phelps!

Listen Chris, here's one from page 6 of my manual, works every time. (To chick) Yo baby, you better come back to King James' castle or I'll have your head cut off.

Bald Gentlemen in front: If we stay here long enough, maybe we can get the ones they don't want.

Short one swim cap, the US Swim Team begins negotiations to borrow Carmelo Anthony's do-rag.

KOBE: Are you sure you're not from Colorado? As long as you don't have yellow panties, I'm down.

SWIMMER: Well, you know this is a team thing, so my friend can come too?

KOBE: Why not, Magic used to do it, why can't I? As long as this joint don't end up on youtube, I'll meet you at the Olympic Village.

Photoshoot for RNC ad against Obama in the upcoming election.

Reknowned Human Rights Activists LeBron James and Kobe Bryant, as they promised prior to the Olympics, clearly dazzling fellow athletes with their well-informed, rational, and passionate thoughts on China's involvement in the Darfur genocide.

Kobe to swimmer: "...and that's why LeBron's never going to win an NBA title."

While across the row...

LeBron to swimmer: "...and that's why Kobe's never going to win an NBA title without Shaq."

OMG. I iz in btwn CP3 LBJ n KB txtin u. C me on ur NBCs? I gonna make deez ballerz luvs me. Say hi to mai momz. ROFLMAO!

Hey, now y'all know that black people aren't known to be good at swimming, right"

That's right . . . I want you to dunk in my trunk.

So, tell me about the breast stroke.

Standing 500 feet away thanks to court documents, Jason Kidd.

The best thing about these chicks is that they are already wet.

Kobe: Haha, I would, really, but me and all of us on the team are marr-wait a minute, where the hell's Jason Kidd?

2 girls, 1 Kobe

"In a related story, the US Redeem Team failed to bring their A game once again."

May 2009: America celebrates the birth of several uniquely talented athletes, poised to dominate the Swimsketball events of the 2028 Olympic Games.

Guy in white shirt on the right: Dude, I told you there was no way we'd be able to keep Kobe, Lebron, and Melo away from the white bitches for two whole weeks.

"See, Chris? That's my 'Olympiacos' contract. It's the same thing as our 'Olympics' contract, but that extra 'o' means I'm ballin' for $50 large."

USOC Director: "Mr. Bryant leave the white women alone."

White women and Kobe Bryant. What could possibly go wrong?

what phelps is hot are you kidding me? let me see him dunk over shaq

Kobe: "Yeah, it doesn't count if we're not in the same hemisphere."

Jay Glazer gets the scoop on Kobe's sexual prowess.

(licks lips....licks lips...) "I'm innocent."

Lebron: of course carmelo and kobe got all the chicks what else is new

Carmelo anthony: hey look over there kidd is trying to get with the whole volleyball team. hes spreading himself too thin

Kobe: "So ... how long can you hold your breath?"

Kobe: "Yes, on your face."

LeBron: "I'm telling you, he's going to put it on her face."

Kobe: "This one time, in Colorado..."

Melo: "Damn, Phelps gets a DUI, and wins Gold Medals, I get a DUI...and I have to play for the Nuggets--this shit ain't fair!"

"If I cross my legs any more tightly, I'm risking a hamstring injury."

Take off your rape-me-nots, I'll be over later.