TO: Hey kids, I have $25 million reasons to live. What about You?

"Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked."

Kids: So TO, what is Jessica Simpson like?

TO: She's fine.

Kids: Do you like her boobs, because we do.

"Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"

Boys, let me I tell ya, I have so much in common with you rich white kids.

TO: So how many franchises do you want to implode when you grow up?

TO: We lost so many good men out there.
Kid: Playing with the Cowboys?
TO: Yes, with the Cowboys, you lose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry. No comment.

TO: Which one of you is the quarterback?

Kid in front: Me

TO (to the other 2): If you ever get in trouble, blame him.

Kid in the middle: "TO, my mommy says she'd like to play with your Alabama Black Snake, but she doesn't want to deal with all your shit afterwards. What's she talking about?"

Kids, the key to a solid fitness routine is doing sit ups and curls shirtless in your driveway in front of the media. It gives you motivation.

Not pictured: Drew Rosenhaus behind T.O. repeatedly telling the kids "next question".

Kid: I mean, I just feel like, you know, I'm not being involved in the offense enough...I mean, these guys just don't understand man...Gotta get me involved man...

Kid #1: "When I grow up, I wanna be just like you."
T.O.: "You callin' me a slow possession receiver?"

I like you kid. If you were my quarterback in 2004 instead of McNabb, I would have won the Super Bowl.

Kid: "What's this scribble you just put on our books Mr. Owens?"

TO: "You can talk about my handwriting, but if you do that, it's really not fair, it's unfair. That's my autograph man. That's my signature. And if you guys do that, that's unfair."

You like you some you? Well that's a pretty stupid saying.

Why aren't I at practice today? Well, you see, they don't get me the ball enough so we stink and now I'm just waiting until next year. See kids, just remember, you can NEVER get enough!

"I did as you asked, Mr. Owens. I went up to Jeff Garcia and quacked. Now, why is that funny?"

Let me give you kids a piece of advice: Don't be like Jeff Garcia.

little kid: "So with my allowance I now have three reasons a week to not kill myself."

Not Picture: T.O.'s other book: "How to make friend: Sobbing and fake crying your way into your QB's heart"

Punt, pass and kick champion huh? 7-8 age group? ... sure, I think you could backup Romo.

Election day is right around the corner, be sure you go out and vote.

TO: First, I walked through the seven layers of crazy forest, passed the the sea of twirly swirly self-loathing, and then I walked through DFW and met the limo driver Mr. Jones sent for me!

Kids: Oooowwww!

Hey TO, does this book include your steady diet of bulshit to the media?

TO, will this book keep me in check with my mental health like when you took all those pills at your home then played the next week?

Jacob: You addressed it to Terrell.
T.O.: Your name is not Terrell, too? Sorry. I love me some me too much.
Dad: Let's go get our popcorn ready, son.

Remember Kids Show up to practice every day... unless you're renegotiating

Kid - "Dad said you'd have popcorn ready....where is it you crying wuss."

Look man, You can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him.

kid: my daddy says that you are overrated and a clubhouse cancer

T.O.: Well what now?

Dad: uhhh son lets go get some ice cream

Preparing for his postfootball career, Terrel Owens shots the pilot for his show, Dr. T.O.

Kid 1: well i just feel that the Q.B. doesnt get me the ball enough


T.O.: well just call him out in the media, it works for me all the time

Kid 2: HEY! man thats my quarterback, My quarterback, thats just not fair man, Thats My quarterback

Your a quarterback? then I'll play with you.

Kid: Some Jamaican guy just walked by and said something about you not being able to hold his jock...what does that mean?

TO: (Sniff) That's really unfair.

Terrell Owens listens intently as Pee Wee players explain how an NFL player should act on and off the field.

Terrell Owens (responding to the kid's question): "No, I don't think I should help you 'make it rain' in a strip club with Pac Man Jones."

Terrell Owens plays "Are You More Mature Than A 5th Grader?" and loses.

Yeah, kid, I know the rest of the team is practicing, but I've got to be here. You just gave me 20 more reasons to live. Next!

Kid: This is my first time in a museum.

T.O. No kidding, mine too.

Hey TO, can I borrow 1000 reasons to live?

"Now listen here, kids: You see that picture on the cover of my book? The cops ask you to stand like that when you break the law like most professional athletes. Don't be like most professional athletes."

Kid: "Surely you can't be serious."

T.O.: "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley."

Dammit, Owens, you are killing me in my fantasy league.

It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Cinco.

Mr. Owens, how many of these Sharpies can you stuff in your socks?

I hope you kids enjoy reading this because, hey, I can't!

T.O.: "You know kid, I can't even see that blonde girl over your dads shoulder's face, but damn she's sexy.

Kid in front: " OH MY GOSH:

Dad (while reaching in for the book): Time to go kids.

"T.O.'s Finding Fitness?" I thought you were signing copies of "The Idiot's Guide to Being a Self-Aggrandizing, Franchise-Killing, Locker Room Cancer"!

Kid in the middle: "Wait a minute. I know you. You're Terrell Owens. You play football for the Dallas Cowboys! I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't get enough separation from the cornerbacks. And he says lots of times, you don't even run out the routes."

T.O.: "The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at San Fran. I'm out there busting my buns every Sunday. Tell your old man to lock up and try to beat Shawn Springs for 60 minutes."

Just keeping the "Airplane" gag going...

Joey, have you ever seen a gladiator movie...?

Just adding to the Airplane! quotes...

"Any of you kids ever work as a publicist? What I'm really looking for is a girl from [ TENNESSEE ]
FEMALE. She is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that's not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she's crazy? A slutty girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame."

Mister TO, the cover of your book makes us all feel funny... downstairs.

TO: So, who should I make it out to?
Kid: Well the Cowboys are my favorite team and you're my favorite player of all time.
TO: Ah I know exactly what to write. "To my biggest fan, Little Joey Douchebag. Never stop chasing that dark blue bandwagon. TO."

And continuing with the Airplane! quotation extravaganza...

First kid: "Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up chocolate milk drinking."

Second kid: "Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up sugary snack eating."

Third kid: "Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up cheating on my homework."

T. O.: "Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up smoking, drinking, pill popping and sniffing glue."

Sure I'll play on your team, kids. Just make sure every play call is a pass to me.