I can't believe I'm missing the season finale of "America's Next Top Model" for this shit...

*thinks* Hmmm. I hear the Lemon Herb Chicken was excellent here. I wonder if that's on the menu today. God I hope it is. I just got so worked up thinking about that Lemon Herb Chicken. It makes me all hot and bothered. I just want to grab that chicken by the drummies and stick it down my...

Producer: "Bud... we're ready for you over here..."

Selig: *clears throat* "Hmm... what's that?!?! Yes. Okay!"

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

"George - what are you doing over there with that computer equipment - it's like you're attempting to control...oh my dear Lord..."

"I'm sure if I just stand over here by myself and clinch tightly enough...I'm downwind...c'mon Buddy play it cool...just blame 'ol mustache over there if anyone gives me a weird look...and remember...no sharting."

Reporter: Is that true?
Steinbrenner: Yes, it's true. This man (indicates Selig) has no penis.

Bud Selig: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Hank Steinbrenner: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.

Bud Selig: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

Hmmm, I wonder if I can talk Hal into taking my job instead.

Where the hell is Ashton Kutcher? This better not be that stupid-ass show of his.

Hmmm...how can I involve Donavan McNabb in next year's All-Star Game?

Bud: "Can you believe Donovan McNabb didn't know an NFL game could end in a tie?? What an idiot. Good thing that can't happen in baseball."

Desperately wanting a copy of NCAA Basketball '09, Bud Selig wonders what cheesy 80's movie line he can regurgitate for today's Create the Caption contest.

"I hope someone sees this picture of me looking annoyed and attaches a slightly appropriate quote from a television show or film that is popular enough for a select, elite few people to recognize it, but not so popular that it implies that the author of such caption is some American-Idol-watching Philistine. Maybe something like 'Damn if feels good to be a gangsta.' Office Space? Anybody?"

What's that? This isn't Benihana's? Oh, then I'm in the wrong place

"check the pocket...nope. Still no balls."

Let's see - did I get all my buzzwords in? Parity - check. Competitive balance - check. Record attendance - check. TV partners - check. Toughest drug testing program in American sports - check. Tradition - check. Hank Aaron - check. Diversity - check. Labor peace - check. Golden era of baseball - check.

How about subtext? Threaten to move teams unless they get a free stadium - check. Distance myself from collusion - check. Make it seem like there is a chance in hell Cuban will get the Cubs - check. Avoid directly thanking Hal and the Yankees for economically supporting every shittily run team - check.

"Where is my secretary?? I came here to see that blowhard Hank Steinbrenner, and instead I have to deal with Bill Simmons."

Bud thinking... "Lord love a duck, not AGAIN!"

Bud:Dude, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.

--No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?

Bud: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.

--I don't know what that means.

Bud: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.

Hal smells just like his Dad, of sour milk and adult diapers. GOd I hate this fucking job...is that a bowl of Chex mix over there? Man, I like that stuff, it's pretty good, but then they come out with this Chex Mix with chocolate pretzels in it, I don't like that stuff that much, at all. Maybe I'll go over and get some of that, maybe it's that spicy pub mix with the little breasticks, mmm, I love that stuff too.

What the hell AA, my version of the AI rant was better and you know it. I will give Mike credit that he had it posted before me, but to my credit I didn't know that he had used the same "practice" speech as his entry. That being said, mine was better and you shouldn't let my past activity on this site cloud your judgment. I'll be expecting my game in the mail.

SELIG: "Newman!"

Suddenly, Bud realized his perfect plans had gone all wrong: he had accidently left a strand of hair back at the crime scene. He had 20 minutes before they found the dead hooker and now he had to plan his escape...

Just before this picture was taken...
Hal: La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...
Bud: Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.
Hal: That was from Star Wars.
Bud: I know.

So I jump ship on Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over there in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one--big hitter, the Lama--long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish eighteen and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

"I've never been a part of a win or loss in an All-Star Game. I never even knew that was in the rule book. It's part of the rules, and we have to go with it. I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game. But unfortunately, with the rules, we settled with a tie."

"Did I leave the iron on? Oh, crap. I think I left the iron on."

Damn it, that's what I get for trying to go back in time and stepping on a mosquito.

COSTANZA!!

Bud: Holy crap its Bill Simmons. Act natural, buddy boy, let him come to you.

Aide: Sir, thats Hal Steinbrenner.

I voted for Hank. He makes me laugh.

Bud caught up in a vicious game of pocket pool missed the hilarity that ensued after a young reporter from Boston started making fart noises to distract Hal, who was commenting on how the Yankees are going to improve over the off season.

Yeah, Hal's a jerk. But at least he doesn't make air quotes with his fingers when he calls me "the Commissioner" like his old man.

Why is Karl Ravech's kid here interviewing Steinbrenner?

I've got something in my front pocket for you.
Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is?
Then grab onto it, it's just for you.
Give a little squeeze and say: "How do you do?"
There's something in my front pocket...
There's something in my front pocket...
There's something in my front pocket!

I'm Bud Selig. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and I am what some people call mentally retarded.

Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.

Selig: "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so....scared."

Hal - I am dead set against free agency. It can ruin baseball.

Bud - Looks away in disbelief

Bud Selig channeling Private S. Baldrick: "I have....a cunning plan."

Bud: Man, I wish Cuban could join us instead of this youngin.

Bud Selig, while disappointed in the ascent of another Steinbrenner, secretly gloats over having possession of evidence of a link between Hal and Kirk Radomski.

Hal- Bud go and get me a calzone

HAL: "I know it is an odd answer, but if I had to replace Brian Cashman, Axl Rose would be my choice. His ability to overspend and take his time on such an average product is truly a gift."

Why is the temp from "The Office" interviewing Steinbrenner?

I'm So Ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry

And so I'm ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me

There's nobody
I can rerate to
Feel rike a bird in a cage
It's kinda sihry
But not rearry
Because it's fihring my body with rage

I'm the smartest most crever most physicarry fit
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world maybe they'll notice me
But until then I'rr just be ronery
Rittle ronery, poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

Crap, stock market down again!

Why can't the Dow Jones just end in a tie?

Since I don't have the time right now to think of a random movie from the past 20 years and look up the quotes on IMDB.com, it looks like I have no chance of winning this contest.

Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know where I'm going. We just extended the world series. We're still giving out post season awards. The all star game is a mess. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road. I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBANKMENT.

I know if I feel around long enough I just might find my balls. Oh wait, thats what I was going to ask Hal. I was going to ask him if I could get them back from his dad. Damn. I forget everything. Is the world series still going on??

Bud: "You know who I hate? Obscenely tiny people who hold microphones. They are the absolute worst. I mean, have you ever seen a micro-reporter do anything of val..what? Uh oh, there's one standing right behind me, isn't there... play it cool, Bud, play..it..cool.

I must have had too much to eat at the new Holliday Inn breakfast bar Wow..it must be the new hot bar, because either I'm drunk on bacon or Marge Schott's alive and looking HOT!

"I keep getting older, but they stay the same age"

Hmmmm... Shall I have the cheesesteak or cheeseburger. Fuck it, I will have both.

Mustachioed man: My God! That plane just blew up!

Selig:...Boom, baby.

I think it's a bit ridiculous that the unoriginal quotes are winning these captions.

HAL: I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Bud. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Clemens, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.
Dave Bowman: Yes, I'd like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.
HAL: It's called "Mindy."

Everyone is making a stink over Donovan McNabb not knowing about ties...too bad he doesnt have my power to declare ties or "rain delays"

Reporter: Mr. Steinbrenner, What if the league decides it would be better off with out you?

Dr. Phil: Next Question

Why did you form a full apology if you didn't do anything wrong?

Dr. Phil: Next Question

Are you saying that ESPN is behind all of this?

Dr. Phil: Next Question

While Hal is doing his thing, how about you and I discuss that mint green Plymouth out there. I can get you a great deal on that baby! No, not interested? Well then let me ask you, have you considered your long term future. I believe that we can offer you a comprehensive life insur...hey wait...where are you going?

Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone come see how good I look. Unique New York. Unique New York. AUDREY! Get in here, I look like hell! I've got bags under my eyes! What's that? Well, if you were a man, I'd punch you. I'd punch you right in the mouth. This is bush. Bush league! Thirty seconds? We're on in 30 seconds? We're live now? I don't believe you. Hal wouldn't let me stand over here by myself. He would? Well agree to disagree. Wait they're interviewing him now? And I'm over here? Does he want a problem? Because if he wants to throw down fisticuffs, fine, I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for him right here!

Bud: I think AA is making a mistake having EA Sports sponsor this post all week. He should contact the folks over there at IMDB.com since everybody is copying and pasting movie quotes for these captions. If he hires me, I will make sure they are on board with this deal. After all, I did impliment the wildcard, inter-league play, and homefield advantage for the All-Star Game. Hell, if I was running college football, they would of have a play off system in play years ago.

Wade Robertson is the winner. frankly, I can't top his quote.

In this photo there are two people of importance: a douche bag who is ruining baseball from within and the reporter.

Bud Selig's inner thoughts: "Man I can't believe the Gordon Gecko monologue won the last caption contest. It was such an obvious reference! Awful Announcing? More like Awful caption contest judging! Ha good one Bud, I should write that down. I can't wait to get home and forcefully remove all MLB videos from that rapscallions blog. Though I wonder if he has any new stories on Erin Andrews?"

Shane McMahon speaks confidently of the now unstoppable ascendancy of The Corporation. Meanwhile, on the other side of the arena, Stone Cold Billy Martin makes a dramatic return DRIVING the hearse. The referee looks on dispassionately.

hate to whine in this thread, but speaking as someone who didn't submit any quotes this week, the judging was extremely subpar.

Bud: Hey Donovan listen to this crap "Billy Hoyle" is spewing. He says he learned it from his girlfriend

Hal: Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.


Yeah I know it probably worked better yesterday but fuck it Bud Knows Ties.

"Thank God that young man brought me the lunch menu, I'm starving. When did I eat last? Let's see, I came straight here from pilates class, which felt so good, I really needed it after the four hour crying spell I had after hearing Mike Mussina was retiring. Oh no, be strong Budders, be strong, don't start crying in front of Hal... there, I think it's gone... nope, it still hurts, dammit Budders, you're better than this, come on... big girls don't cry... ok, ok, I'm good. All right, where was I? Oh right, Mussina... oh no, dammit Budders, you're The Commish! You're better than this! Get it together, remember what you said when you became Commish, "I, Bud 'Budders' Selig, do solemnly swear to pledge my soul to the dark lord Satan, whom I shall refer to as Mr. Steinbrenner, whether he reveal himself as George, Hank, or Hal... Play ball."

Bud: Now I know how David Stern feels about Cuban.

Say, is that a nude of Joe Pepitone up on the wall over there?

"Dear, God, I hate baseball."

"What's the big deal with Steinbrenner? I'll call a tie at the next All Star game... that'll show 'em."

speaking of ties

I can't believe this! Don't they know who I am? I'm BUD FREAKIN' SELIG! THE commissioner of baseball! Look at everything I've done for this sport. The wild card? That was me. Interleague play? That was me too. The World Baseball Classic? ALL ME! If it wasn't for me steroids would STILL be rampant.

But NOOOOOOO! They go and talk to that blowhard instead. Well the next time they want to ask me a question I'll remember this.

HAL: And, I hope to follow my father's legacy of excellence...

BUD: I know I smell it...it's in the building....the calzones are here....COSTANZA!!!!

Bud Selig can't bear to watch as he watches his sport's biggest cash cow crumble before his very eyes.

Selig: "Somebody get me through this nightmare, I can't control myself."

Reporter: What do you think of the job that Selig has done as Commissioner of baseball?

Steinbrenner: I think that douchebag has done an awful job. He has made it more and more harder for the Greatest Team Ever to win the World Series. Interleague play? We don't have time to be bothered with The League No One Cares About. The Wildcard? That has no purpose other than to let some lucky, undeserving team with momentum to upset our Greatness. It's totally unfair and unethical. We're better than them. The World Baseball Classic? Because it's always a good idea to have star players play in games and get tired out before the season even begins. Words can't describe how much that self-absorbed, egomaniacal bastard has forever hurt The Greatness That Is The New York Yankees. We are the only team that people care about and we should be treated as such!

NEWMAN!

Selig: George Steinbrenner? Bud Selig here. I want to talk about Hal Steinbrenner. I understand he's been dividing his time between The MLB and The Yankees. I cannot have that.

George Steinbrenner: Well I don't know who he is but if you want him that bad I'm not giving him up that easily.

Selig: Oh is that so. Playing a little hardball huh Jonnyboy?

George Steinbrenner: How about this. You give me Hal, I convert your concessions to all chicken no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists. Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken.

Selig: How do you make that alcoholic chicken?

George steinbrenner: Let if ferment, just like everything else.

Selig: That stuff sounds great. All right. I'll have Costanza on the next bus.

Selig (thinking): "I've dealt with a lot of bullshit, but nothing was worse than fighting The Giant Chicken. It was supposed to be dead now--
Ho. Ly. SHIT!"
(window breaks)

"must......avoid.....eye contact.......with........Suzyn."

You see what I did there? That was underwear. I'll show you the bathing suit one next. You see the difference?

"The dingleberry never falls far from the ass." Oh--but a revenue sharing ass it is!

Richard-Myrtle Beach, SC

Selig wonders if making the losing team give him a foot massage would further spice up the All-Star game.

So you say that guy over there is our commissioner? Damn, I don't think he's qualified to be the commissioner of the More Taste League.

Come on Donovan McNabb, shut up already! Ties are fantastic!

I'm getting sick of this. I'd like to get a job working with people that are more honest, less self-serving and agenda-driven, and know when to shut their mouths - you know, a job like selling cars or something.

"I can't believe I skipped my lunch with Canseco for this s$%*!"

Bud thinking: "I thought I was done with this f*!#$ing family!"

Bud's brain: "Ties... I like pants...Can I still spell Milwaukee?.. Ties... Lord, that Fran Drescher's a hot number... Tied... Rain... Where am I?"

Hal: "... and boom goes the dynamite."

Bud: "Hmm.....I really should build the MLB Network around Pam Ward. She is always prepared to the max, knows her balls and strikes inside and out and sets up her analyst partners beautifully."

Guy in the blue shirt and tie: "Hal, you're beautiful!"

Hal: "Madonna gets her own private box at New Yankee Stadium and three parking passes. She's also promised to leave A-Rod and any other Major League executives front row tickets to any of her shows worldwide."
Selig (thinking): "There better be a Milwaukee show coming up. She's my favorite.
'Like a virgin. (Oooh!) Touched for the very first time. Like a virgin...'"

Dealing with another Steinbrenner...It hurts...Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

MMM.What is that?Taste like croutons.Lemme put my tongue up there and scrape it out so i can re-eat it.

The NFL has ties? At least that never happens in baseball!

ichiro told me to eat the head while I had dinner with B.J. Upton...

o hes the new owner of the yankees, whoopie doop, i created a whole new round in the play-offs!

NEWMAN!

"There were some inconsistencies on his resume, like the period of employment at a Vandalay Industries, and a personal reference from a former traveling secretary named Costanza, but otherwise I think Hal will run the Yankees just fine. Now, let's get back to me and how else I can continue to ruin the game of baseball..."