Careful baby, don't drop the nuclear warhead. I can't believe they fell for the old, "Oh it's just a baby" routine... Muhahaha

If that kid sucks any harder, she's gonna be a skeleton.

I may or may not have bet our baby on Texas. On a completely unrelated note, we're going to Mexico for the next few weeks for a vacation that has nothing to do with dodging mobsters.

VOICE FROM CROWD: "My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah."

MATT: "We're out"

wife: Honey, I'm really tired. Do we really have to go to this party at the moontower?

MM: Hey, hey, hey, watch the leather man!

After Colt McCoy's "Failure To Launch", McConaughey was contemplating "A Time To Kill".

"Man, it's the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain't that piece of paper, there's some other choice they're gonna try and make for you. You gotta do what Daniel Colt McCoy wants to do man. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N."

Must keep my head straight...OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE YOU BABY YOU ARE A BABYDOLL...jeezis, my freakin wife...FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS LOOK AT THOSE SUCCULENT COED TITTIES...i love my wife, I do...I WANT TO BRUMSKI THAT BLONDE HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THOSE CANS...it's your kid dude, she's got your kid, she's kinda cute still, Indian...BUT LOOK AT THOSE FREAKIN TITTIES...she knows you know she knows you could have every single hot coed here...and I could...if she weren't here...DAMN YOU LIFE TO HELL!!! Must keep eyes straight...coeds, two or three at a time, are bad...keep telling yourself that family life is a good thing bro.

Too bad Hamels won a Camaro, not a corvette.

Matthew McConaughey would like to thank ABC for allowing him to borrow a jacket from the "Life On Mars" wardrobe department.

That's the thing about sorority girls; I get older, they stay the same age!

Sorry crowd, I'm off to hunt for Stewie Griffin.

WE ARE....MARSHALL!!!!

I wonder if they're buying the wife and kid thing as well as in Rock Hudson's day. I agree with Chase Daniels...that Colt McCoy's got a great ass.

Matt packs up his earthly possessions in this fugly bag, and makes his wife carry it all. Careful, honey, don't drop my "Foscar" award, which is actually my five-year old T-Ball league trophy with the little baseball guy sawed off, and a plastic Oscar glued to the top... good times, good times.

Let me tell you what Melba Toast is working with...

Matt: "I'd rather be with Lance right now."

Wife: "Matt, who's kid is this."

Sometimes you don’t know that you’re looking for something until it’s right in front of you.

Take this coat.

Its DNA reads “sorority girl hunting,” but my girlfriend Camila likes how it goes with my Levi jeans and matching snake belt.

“Andiamo,” I said to my sharp-nosed beagle, Luigi.

Camila and I follow Luigi out of the stadium until he starts sniffing around an old oak tree that was probably there when Lee Corso was born. He starts digging, his tail wagging wildly in the air.

After a few minutes, Camila reaches down and comes up with a walnut-sized orb. “I told you we’d find what we were looking for, Honey.”

Yes. Yes, we did.

Alba Travel Coat (No. 4019). The big, expanding waist pockets have a narrow throat inside, originally to keep baby bottles (or pacifiers) from falling out. I find they’re also excellent for carrying other feminine hygiene products, guidebooks, airline tickets, a passport or two, and handfuls of dollar bills.

You also get two outside chest pockets plus two inside pockets, including an extra-deep one for your secret stuff.

Three-season cotton canvas, lined in slick acetate. Notched collar. Norfolk belt in back. Working button cuffs, which I like to wear rolled up.

Men’s even sizes: 38 through 48.

Color: Desert Brown.

Price: $169.

McConnaughey thinking....chaps...damn the cheerleaders really had on..no...damn yes it was chaps.

"Baby, I know this isn't a good time to tell you this, but I had the baby's name changed to Stoner Bongo Naked McConaughey".

Despite having a gun aimed at her back, the victim desperately tries to hand over a 'HELP' message while being led away to watch Fool's Gold for the hundredth time.

http://toobroketolaugh.com

It sure is great striding through this stadium with the comforting knowledge that thousands of adoring fans lit by the light banks have noticed that I'm not quite bald...yet.

Keep Crabtree the hell away from my woman.

What we need to do is keep walking around the endzone to the otherside of the field. Go ahead and pull out the black and red blanket and I'll change shirts.

...no what really makes me mad about all of this is that I can't even bring myself to play the bongos any more.

MM: Say, man, you got a joint?
McCoy: No, not on me, man.
MM: It'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Even when this guy wears a shirt, it freakin flesh colored

Beef: it's what's for dinner (especially in Lubbock).

"You take drugs, Danny?"
"Every day, sir."
"Good boy, Danny."

Hey Colt, Aerosmith tickets, 2 weeks, don't forget

Man I used to sleep off my 4 day benders on Salma Hayek's tig ole bitties. Now I knocked up Parminder Nagra and the Horns got hooked by Texas Tech? Man I really need to do another movie with Kate Hudson to get my swagger back.

Matthew suddenly realized his peyote had worn off and only then did he notice his wife had used his dinosaur footie pajamas as a papoose for their shirtless baby.

Walking in before the game Mathew is thinking - Ha ha ha when we win I am breaking out this drum under my arm and the clothes are coming off, his baby's mama is thinking - OH CRAP he brought the drum.

That's what I like about those Texas Tech college girls. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

Hey sweet lips, you think this would be a good time for me to take my shirt off? It would be a nice contrast to Colt McCoy's translucent boy chest. I mean seriously, the Texas Institute of Technology? How long have they had a football team? 4 days?